I just spent a few wonderful days back home with the family. I had a cousin getting married down south and was unable to afford to attend so my father offered to fly me out to keep him and his parents company. Unfortunately, the grandparents were unable to attend due to insurance difficulties, so we all celebrated simultaneously with the southern bunch! Congratulations A & C!!!
Home has left me feeling soulfully elated. It was so weird for me to keep hearing how great of a thing I'm doing. I never know what to say when something like that is said to me. I mean, for example, my dad was speechless. Anyone who knows my father will know that that is a huge thing. He is always of an opinion. He couldn't form words to tell me what he wanted to say. He also said he was on the phone with his sister and she was the same way.
Honestly, this is not about saving a child. I'm doing this for purely selfish reasons. I'm doing this because I want to be a mum and I don't want to go through IVF. To me, this is my only option. It's all about the feeling I get thinking about holding her and playing with her. Totally selfish!
I'm also beginning to get more frightened by the fact that I feel like she is ours already. I hope that I don't jinx myself. I want her so bad! I'm making plans, I'm writing thank you cards from her, I'm visiting people. That scares me so much because she isn't yet even mine! I guess this scariness has been counteracted with the good feelings from the folks and the grandfolks because right now I just feel good.
I found the orphanage on Google Earth. I will post satellite pictures but I must do a few adjustments to keep the anonymity since it doesn't really have an address. It is hidden amidst some apartments and not visible from the street.
We also have our last training session tomorrow night!
Showing posts with label reactions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reactions. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Day 5 Moscow
The clinic visits were successful... phew! The hospital felt like a fancy bank as it was all marble and crown molding, really swanky and non-sterile feeling. Our translator was great and very assuring for both of us. We saw 7 different specialists, one doctor counted for two signatures, and got our chests x-rayed. It took about 4 hours.
After, we celebrated. We walked the Arbat pedestrian street, which is a touristy area close to our apartment, and just checked it all out. We ate at the Moscow Hard Rock Cafe and relaxed. After dinner we went to one of the pubs across from our apartment and stayed on the patio into the night. It felt good to sit and talk about so much that was non adoption related.
People keep asking me how I can seemingly hold it together. I did cry once we were all done yesterday, but I can say it is because she isn't mine yet. I have to be guarded. Even if I am 99% in love with her I have to have that 1% that I could cling to if it all fell apart. If I didn't have that small portion of doubt inside me, I would be completely crushed if something went wrong. Even though it feels wrong to stay guarded, (trust me, I don't feel it when we are with her) I have to be so in order to keep going. When she is in my arms in the rocking chair in her room, I will let everything wash over me 100%. so, this is why I am seemingly composed. Survival.
Gods I miss her already. I hope she misses us too.
After, we celebrated. We walked the Arbat pedestrian street, which is a touristy area close to our apartment, and just checked it all out. We ate at the Moscow Hard Rock Cafe and relaxed. After dinner we went to one of the pubs across from our apartment and stayed on the patio into the night. It felt good to sit and talk about so much that was non adoption related.
People keep asking me how I can seemingly hold it together. I did cry once we were all done yesterday, but I can say it is because she isn't mine yet. I have to be guarded. Even if I am 99% in love with her I have to have that 1% that I could cling to if it all fell apart. If I didn't have that small portion of doubt inside me, I would be completely crushed if something went wrong. Even though it feels wrong to stay guarded, (trust me, I don't feel it when we are with her) I have to be so in order to keep going. When she is in my arms in the rocking chair in her room, I will let everything wash over me 100%. so, this is why I am seemingly composed. Survival.
Gods I miss her already. I hope she misses us too.
Friday, May 10, 2013
1 More Sleep
Oh.My.Gods.
BARF! (not!) I awoke, today, with a sense of calm. I've had a few people ask me how I think I will be when we first meet her. My answer to them has been surprisingly composed. For some reason, in the face of grand moments, I can rein in my usual tearful reactions and focus. For example, I cry at every engagement announcement of friends and bawl like a baby at weddings. My own? Stone cold composed (enough of a difference that my dad even commented on it before walking me down the aisle)... until after it was all done. I believe that is how I will be for this as well.
My to-do list today?
-get Howie ready for pick up in an hour.
-ask a neighbour if she will pick up our mail
-charge the kobo
-watch last night's Grey's and Glee
-try to eat what's left in the fridge, or give it away
That's it. I've done everything else.
A good friend is taking us out tonight for a celebration dinner. We wanted to patio it up, but it's raining (of course) so we will find another plan. It will be nice and I appreciate how excited she is for us. She is also a teacher and has been sharing in the adoption story of one of her students who was fostered and then just adopted by those parents at the beginning of this year. I will always smile when I remember her telling me that at parent-teacher interviews she shared my story with the mom-to-be and all they did was talk about adoption! She gets me more than most people and knows that I love hearing stories about that student.
She also shared this with me today, coincidence that it was written just a few days ago???
Source: http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/
by author Kathy Lynn Harris
First, a quick note: I wrote this piece after reading an essay written by Lea Grover in the Huffiington Post, titled “Dear Less-Than-Perfect Mom.”
The post by Lea was wonderful, and it made me think about us moms who
found our sweet babies through adoption, and how we face unique
challenges. I hope you enjoy it, whether you are the parent of an
adopted child or not. Happy early Mother’s Day, everyone.
——————————————————————————————————————
Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
BARF! (not!) I awoke, today, with a sense of calm. I've had a few people ask me how I think I will be when we first meet her. My answer to them has been surprisingly composed. For some reason, in the face of grand moments, I can rein in my usual tearful reactions and focus. For example, I cry at every engagement announcement of friends and bawl like a baby at weddings. My own? Stone cold composed (enough of a difference that my dad even commented on it before walking me down the aisle)... until after it was all done. I believe that is how I will be for this as well.
My to-do list today?
-get Howie ready for pick up in an hour.
-ask a neighbour if she will pick up our mail
-charge the kobo
-watch last night's Grey's and Glee
-try to eat what's left in the fridge, or give it away
That's it. I've done everything else.
A good friend is taking us out tonight for a celebration dinner. We wanted to patio it up, but it's raining (of course) so we will find another plan. It will be nice and I appreciate how excited she is for us. She is also a teacher and has been sharing in the adoption story of one of her students who was fostered and then just adopted by those parents at the beginning of this year. I will always smile when I remember her telling me that at parent-teacher interviews she shared my story with the mom-to-be and all they did was talk about adoption! She gets me more than most people and knows that I love hearing stories about that student.
She also shared this with me today, coincidence that it was written just a few days ago???
Source: http://www.kathylynnharris.com/dear-moms-of-adopted-children/
by author Kathy Lynn Harris
Dear Moms of Adopted Children
——————————————————————————————————————
Dear Mom of an Adopted Child,
I met you in adoption education class. I met you at the agency. I met you at my son’s school. I met you online. I met you on purpose. I met you by accident.
It doesn’t matter. The thing is, I knew you right away. I recognize the fierce determination. The grit. The fight. Because everything about what you have was a decision, and nothing about what you have was easy. You are the kind of woman who Makes.Things.Happen. After all, you made this happen, this family you have.
Maybe you prayed for it. Maybe you had to convince a partner it was the right thing. Maybe you did it alone. Maybe people told you to just be happy with what you had before. Maybe someone told you it simply wasn’t in God’s plans for you to have a child, this child whose hair you now brush lightly from his face. Maybe someone warned you about what happened to their cousin’s neighbor’s friend. Maybe you ignored them.
Maybe you planned for it for years. Maybe an opportunity dropped into your lap. Maybe you depleted your life-savings for it. Maybe it was not your first choice. But maybe it was.
Regardless, I know you. And I see how you hold on so tight. Sometimes too tight. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it?
I know about all those books you read back then. The ones everyone reads about sleep patterns and cloth versus disposable, yes, but the extra ones, too. About dealing with attachment disorders, breast milk banks, babies born addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth. About cognitive delays, language deficiencies. About counseling support services, tax and insurance issues, open adoption pros and cons, legal rights.
I know about the fingerprinting, the background checks, the credit reports, the interviews, the references. I know about the classes, so many classes. I know the frustration of the never-ending paperwork. The hours of going over finances, of having garage sales and bake sales and whatever-it-takes sales to raise money to afford it all.
I know how you never lost sight of what you wanted.
I know about the match call, the soaring of everything inside you to cloud-height, even higher. And then the tucking of that away because, well, these things fall through, you know.
Maybe you told your mother, a few close friends. Maybe you shouted it to the world. Maybe you allowed yourself to decorate a baby’s room, buy a car seat. Maybe you bought a soft blanket, just that one blanket, and held it to your cheek every night.
I know about your home visits. I know about your knuckles, cracked and bleeding, from cleaning every square inch of your home the night before. I know about you burning the coffee cake and trying to fix your mascara before the social worker rang the doorbell.
And I know about the followup visits, when you hadn’t slept in three weeks because the baby had colic. I know how you wanted so badly to show that you had it all together, even though you were back to working more-than-full-time, maybe without maternity leave, without the family and casseroles and welcome-home balloons and plants.
And I’ve seen you in foreign countries, strange lands, staying in dirty hotels, taking weeks away from work, struggling to understand what’s being promised and what’s not. Struggling to offer your love to a little one who is unsettled and afraid. Waiting, wishing, greeting, loving, flying, nesting, coming home.
I’ve seen you down the street at the hospital when a baby was born, trying to figure out where you belong in the scene that’s emerging. I’ve seen your face as you hear a nurse whisper to the birthmother that she doesn’t have to go through with this. I’ve seen you trying so hard to give this birthmother all of your respect and patience and compassion in those moments—while you bite your lip and close your eyes, not knowing if she will change her mind, if this has all been a dream coming to an abrupt end in a sterile environment. Not knowing if this is your time. Not knowing so much.
I’ve seen you look down into a newborn infant’s eyes, wondering if he’s really yours, wondering if you can quiet your mind and good sense long enough to give yourself over completely.
And then, to have the child in your arms, at home, that first night. His little fingers curled around yours. His warm heart beating against yours.
I know that bliss. The perfect, guarded, hopeful bliss.
I also know about you on adoption day. The nerves that morning, the judge, the formality, the relief, the joy. The letting out of a breath maybe you didn’t even know you were holding for months. Months.
I’ve seen you meet your child’s birthparents and grandparents weeks or years down the road. I’ve seen you share your child with strangers who have his nose, his smile … people who love him because he’s one of them. I’ve seen you hold him in the evenings after those visits, when he’s shaken and confused and really just wants a stuffed animal and to rest his head on your shoulder.
I’ve seen you worry when your child brings home a family tree project from school. Or a request to bring in photos of him and his dad, so that the class can compare traits that are passed down, like blue eyes or square chins. I know you worry, because you can protect your child from a lot of things — but you can’t protect him from being different in a world so intent on celebrating sameness.
I’ve seen you at the doctor’s office, filling out medical histories, leaving blanks, question marks, hoping the little blanks don’t turn into big problems later on.
I’ve seen you answer all of the tough questions, the questions that have to do with why, and love, and how much, and where, and who, and how come, mama? How come?
I’ve seen you wonder how you’ll react the first time you hear the dreaded, “You’re not my real mom.” And I’ve seen you smile softly in the face of that question, remaining calm and loving, until you lock yourself in the bathroom and muffle your soft cries with the sound of the shower.
I’ve seen you cringe just a little when someone says your child is lucky to have you. Because you know with all your being it is the other way around.
But most of all, I want you to know that I’ve seen you look into your child’s eyes. And while you will never see a reflection of your own eyes there, you see something that’s just as powerful: A reflection of your complete and unstoppable love for this person who grew in the midst of your tears and laughter, and who, if torn from you, would be like losing yourself.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Day 2 of Round 2
This time feels different. Maybe it's because we already have done this once. Maybe it's because we want it that much more. Maybe it's because it's spring(ish) so we are a little lighter at heart anyway. Maybe it's because the first time obviously wasn't right.
I don't know why but she feels different. I swear to gods that when I first received Mak's pic I immediately looked for signs of FAS. I was happy and surprised and all of the good feelings, but I even mentioned that it took a few days for him to feel like ours. It took three days before I could picture him living with us. If I'm completely honest, I was upset about how long it took to sink in. I'd been expecting it so why wasn't it nothing but joy? Maybe because life is never ONLY joy... Unlike receiving Mak's photo and proposal, when she told me girl my heart clicked (probably because we went into this whole parenting gig wanting a girl - it really doesn't matter but we had both been more familiar with baby girls). I was then told about the cleft pallet and the near-sightedness. As soon as that photo came through on my email my 'world' clicked. I didn't even look for the hint of the cleft pallet or for signs of FAS; I looked at those eyes and cheeks and cried.
I don't want to sound like I'm setting myself up for a bigger hurt since I want this more. I'm just being honest here. Maybe it's because she's looking into the camera and 'at me.' Maybe it's because I REALLY wanted to add fairies and mermaids to the nursery and to buy ruby slippers for fancy occasions. Maybe it's because this time really DOES feel different. I mean, of course it's going to feel different, but it's not producing the hesitation and fear I expected. I am the worrier and always have been. But this feels different.
I have even worried less about the Russian part. I don't care what the doctors say about me when I'm there. I'm not concerned about where we stay. The first time I felt like I wasn't getting enough support from CHOC but this time I'm thinking that I'm going to make my itinerary and then TELL CHOC when we need rides and from where. We will make the appointments and stay with the proper host family, but I'm not going to ask as many questions as opposed to stating what we need.
I also want to add a few coincidences. I found the fun coincidences with Mak too, but people who believe in fate will always look for those 'meant-to-be' circumstances.
My "niece," S, drew me a photo two Christmases ago. The caption that explained what the drawing was said: This is a picture of your little girl. She is happy. Thank you for my pickle. This is officially the first prediction! LOL!
My friend H, she was in the play with me and saw me when I brought the news of Mak, said to me that night that she "didn't know" about him; that she saw us with a girl. She has been right about all the pregnancies she's predicted to me...
The only other circumstance I can explain is that we had a girl name picked out. One that took A LOT of debating. We had chosen Clara in honour of Canadian olympian Clara Hughes and of the lead role in the Nutcracker (Russian Ballet shout out!). Last month, my 'brother' here had the chance to see Clara speak. I flipped when I saw this! I started banging the table and yelling in my protest and jealousy. Then he had the nerve to say, "who is that?" (When I relayed this comment to my sister she subsequently responded with 'kick him out of Canada'). I broke our vow of silence about the names. To me and Mike, it's a jinx to say what we want to name Kid until Kid is actually ours. I told P that Clara Hughes is SUCH a big deal that we were naming a possible daughter after her! Well, as soon as I said it I felt like the name was now used. Although, the dream of the girl who liked math and video games was named Clara. Anywho, one of the other names we had discussed was Daenerys. She is a character from Game of Thrones and I adore her! We loved the thought of the nicknames Dany, or even Khaleesi. Well... Dania... ya...
Ok. The other big difference I have to state is my lack of hesitation to share. We knew about Mak for a few days before we made it public. I (even before I told Mike since he was MIA for 4 hours!) waited about 30 minutes before telling people and calling long distance! I had such great support when the first one fell through that I wanted to share it ALL this time.
I also want to give a great shout out to cousin C who had NO idea what was going on since her iPhone doesn't accept the photos I messaged her! That was one of the best reactions!
Thanks to all who have phoned or messaged their well-wishes. This time is different. This time the good thoughts are fueling it from the very beginning. This time, if it falls through, we will all keep up the hope and remember that '3rd time's the charm!'
xoxo
ps. Visa applications are short of 4 Mike signatures before they are ready to go!
pps. here is our other photo of her!
I don't know why but she feels different. I swear to gods that when I first received Mak's pic I immediately looked for signs of FAS. I was happy and surprised and all of the good feelings, but I even mentioned that it took a few days for him to feel like ours. It took three days before I could picture him living with us. If I'm completely honest, I was upset about how long it took to sink in. I'd been expecting it so why wasn't it nothing but joy? Maybe because life is never ONLY joy... Unlike receiving Mak's photo and proposal, when she told me girl my heart clicked (probably because we went into this whole parenting gig wanting a girl - it really doesn't matter but we had both been more familiar with baby girls). I was then told about the cleft pallet and the near-sightedness. As soon as that photo came through on my email my 'world' clicked. I didn't even look for the hint of the cleft pallet or for signs of FAS; I looked at those eyes and cheeks and cried.
I don't want to sound like I'm setting myself up for a bigger hurt since I want this more. I'm just being honest here. Maybe it's because she's looking into the camera and 'at me.' Maybe it's because I REALLY wanted to add fairies and mermaids to the nursery and to buy ruby slippers for fancy occasions. Maybe it's because this time really DOES feel different. I mean, of course it's going to feel different, but it's not producing the hesitation and fear I expected. I am the worrier and always have been. But this feels different.
I have even worried less about the Russian part. I don't care what the doctors say about me when I'm there. I'm not concerned about where we stay. The first time I felt like I wasn't getting enough support from CHOC but this time I'm thinking that I'm going to make my itinerary and then TELL CHOC when we need rides and from where. We will make the appointments and stay with the proper host family, but I'm not going to ask as many questions as opposed to stating what we need.
I also want to add a few coincidences. I found the fun coincidences with Mak too, but people who believe in fate will always look for those 'meant-to-be' circumstances.
My "niece," S, drew me a photo two Christmases ago. The caption that explained what the drawing was said: This is a picture of your little girl. She is happy. Thank you for my pickle. This is officially the first prediction! LOL!
My friend H, she was in the play with me and saw me when I brought the news of Mak, said to me that night that she "didn't know" about him; that she saw us with a girl. She has been right about all the pregnancies she's predicted to me...
The only other circumstance I can explain is that we had a girl name picked out. One that took A LOT of debating. We had chosen Clara in honour of Canadian olympian Clara Hughes and of the lead role in the Nutcracker (Russian Ballet shout out!). Last month, my 'brother' here had the chance to see Clara speak. I flipped when I saw this! I started banging the table and yelling in my protest and jealousy. Then he had the nerve to say, "who is that?" (When I relayed this comment to my sister she subsequently responded with 'kick him out of Canada'). I broke our vow of silence about the names. To me and Mike, it's a jinx to say what we want to name Kid until Kid is actually ours. I told P that Clara Hughes is SUCH a big deal that we were naming a possible daughter after her! Well, as soon as I said it I felt like the name was now used. Although, the dream of the girl who liked math and video games was named Clara. Anywho, one of the other names we had discussed was Daenerys. She is a character from Game of Thrones and I adore her! We loved the thought of the nicknames Dany, or even Khaleesi. Well... Dania... ya...
Ok. The other big difference I have to state is my lack of hesitation to share. We knew about Mak for a few days before we made it public. I (even before I told Mike since he was MIA for 4 hours!) waited about 30 minutes before telling people and calling long distance! I had such great support when the first one fell through that I wanted to share it ALL this time.
I also want to give a great shout out to cousin C who had NO idea what was going on since her iPhone doesn't accept the photos I messaged her! That was one of the best reactions!
Thanks to all who have phoned or messaged their well-wishes. This time is different. This time the good thoughts are fueling it from the very beginning. This time, if it falls through, we will all keep up the hope and remember that '3rd time's the charm!'
xoxo
ps. Visa applications are short of 4 Mike signatures before they are ready to go!pps. here is our other photo of her!
Monday, January 7, 2013
Here's My Beef:
I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it. I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!
There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried. There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt. There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store. You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.
I do have to apologize to my cousin R. I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected. I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood! For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:
It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years. There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance). Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life). The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought. At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open. It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach. I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?" She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up. I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked. R, I am very sorry. J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys! I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew. I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood. I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!
Home was supposed to be a healing trip. I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need. I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing. I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer. I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).
It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel. I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).
I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too. We almost made it without crying with each other. It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that. Honestly? I don't know. I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph. She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos. I never thought of it that way. I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage. I still don't know what I think of my answer to that. It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.
I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma! I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!
There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried. There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt. There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store. You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.
I do have to apologize to my cousin R. I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected. I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood! For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:
It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years. There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance). Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life). The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought. At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open. It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach. I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?" She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up. I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked. R, I am very sorry. J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys! I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew. I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood. I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!
Home was supposed to be a healing trip. I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need. I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing. I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer. I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).
It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel. I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).
I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too. We almost made it without crying with each other. It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that. Honestly? I don't know. I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph. She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos. I never thought of it that way. I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage. I still don't know what I think of my answer to that. It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.
I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma! I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Heartbreak
I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it. It is such a different kind of loss. We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting. It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around. We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers. Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.
My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer. Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.
Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through. I cried a lot - all over Mike. I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me. I know he is hurting too. He has lost the same.
I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in. I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home. When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful. They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice. They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night. They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves. As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.
I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too. I feel like I have disappointed everyone. I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that. Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything. The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again. I love you all and feel for you too. I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time.
My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer. Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.
Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through. I cried a lot - all over Mike. I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me. I know he is hurting too. He has lost the same.
I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in. I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home. When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful. They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice. They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night. They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves. As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.
I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too. I feel like I have disappointed everyone. I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that. Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything. The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again. I love you all and feel for you too. I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Locked In
Flights and hotels booked! We had our itinerary approved and the hotel had a good address so we just booked it all! I seriously feel like I could throw up! It's like a kid before Christmas times a gajillion and nerves because we switch planes so many times that I worry about delays or lost luggage (which would mean lost clothing donations).
I am seriously shaking right now.
I will copy all of our confirmations tomorrow, deposit the purolator'd cheque for the Moscow CHOC representative, figure out how much we will need to have on hand to pay all of our drivers, interpreters, and hosts while we are there. I am also making a photo album for Mak.
The album is so we can leave 'us' there with him. It will also have pictures of Leia and Howie (who, by the way, will be living the high life with K&T while we are away - thanks!) and his room so that we can hope he recognizes it when he finally gets here.
We will also be compiling an album, for his future reference, about the orphanage, city, and our journey there. We want to show him that we recognize that he has history before us - we may not know a lot about it but we are not ashamed or in denial over it either. I have also decided that every year, for Christmas, Mak will give his grandparents the gift of a donation to the orphanage. While visiting I will ask about our ability to send packages, either through CHOC or regular mail, each year to help give back to what gave him to our family. I have also saved all the emails from everyone who has shown excitement over his possibility and I am writing a journal to him about my feelings from the moment he was offered to us. He may want to read them all one day, he may not. The option will be there, bursting with love, if he ever chooses to explore it.
Wow. It is happening very fast but it is HAPPENING!
I am seriously shaking right now.
I will copy all of our confirmations tomorrow, deposit the purolator'd cheque for the Moscow CHOC representative, figure out how much we will need to have on hand to pay all of our drivers, interpreters, and hosts while we are there. I am also making a photo album for Mak.
The album is so we can leave 'us' there with him. It will also have pictures of Leia and Howie (who, by the way, will be living the high life with K&T while we are away - thanks!) and his room so that we can hope he recognizes it when he finally gets here.
We will also be compiling an album, for his future reference, about the orphanage, city, and our journey there. We want to show him that we recognize that he has history before us - we may not know a lot about it but we are not ashamed or in denial over it either. I have also decided that every year, for Christmas, Mak will give his grandparents the gift of a donation to the orphanage. While visiting I will ask about our ability to send packages, either through CHOC or regular mail, each year to help give back to what gave him to our family. I have also saved all the emails from everyone who has shown excitement over his possibility and I am writing a journal to him about my feelings from the moment he was offered to us. He may want to read them all one day, he may not. The option will be there, bursting with love, if he ever chooses to explore it.
Wow. It is happening very fast but it is HAPPENING!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Mayhem and Madness Ensue
But it's all for Mak!!1
I just joked to a friend that Mike and I might kill each other before we get to Russia! Planning this trip on this short notice is quite stressful. At the end of the day, though, we look at Mak's picture and know that it is worth it.
It has been difficult trying to figure out our timeline. The reps from CHOC speak Russian as a first language so sometimes their emails can be confusing to understand. We have to make sure to keep asking the same questions to ensure the same answers and I have also started to sum up the 'what I understands' and having her correct them as necessary.
After four business days of, what feels like, millions of emails a day I have succeeded in figuring out the following (it has her answers tacked onto the ends of the statements):
15. On the 29th, have a driver take us to
the airport and fly to Canada ? Yes
Wowza!
It took awhile but I nailed it down last night and got these confirmations. Now we can look more seriously at booking flights and hotels because we have dates.
We have also spent time getting the last half of the Russian fees in order and mailed off. Mike, thankfully, tackled the opening of a USD bank account, getting and mailing the appropriate cheques and drafts. CHOC then mails us back an amount that is to be signed over to their Rep in Ufa. This is where some hostility erupted... I'm over it now but it was just one of those details that was obvious to me but not to him. This, I told him, is why I get nervous relinquishing control of aspects to him. He has also helped us secure dog care while we are gone (thanks to I&D or J!) and having someone clear our massive amounts of sidewalks if it snows while we are gone (thanks so much K!)
We will do our best to show all of our appreciation for everything! I already felt so much joy telling all of our references the good news that they helped produce! I also went shopping today to pick up gifts for our host family, translator, driver while in Russia. Just cute items that transcend language barriers!
I also picked up birthday cards for those who celebrate while we are gone; Christmas gifts for the kids which need to be mailed before we leave; Covering my shifts at work, since I was supposed to work Christmas; and getting a doc appointment to renew my prescriptions that run out while we are away and ensuring that Mak has a place in his clientele when we return.
That is all as of now... (I feel like that last sentiment is a HUGE downplay on what the ALL is).
And while this is all going on, the play opens tomorrow night and I have five shows a week until four days before I stop work LOL!
Man, I love his chestnut eyes and sweet little mouth! He WILL know how much excitement is drummed up around him! Those efforts are another post for another day!
I just joked to a friend that Mike and I might kill each other before we get to Russia! Planning this trip on this short notice is quite stressful. At the end of the day, though, we look at Mak's picture and know that it is worth it.
It has been difficult trying to figure out our timeline. The reps from CHOC speak Russian as a first language so sometimes their emails can be confusing to understand. We have to make sure to keep asking the same questions to ensure the same answers and I have also started to sum up the 'what I understands' and having her correct them as necessary.
After four business days of, what feels like, millions of emails a day I have succeeded in figuring out the following (it has her answers tacked onto the ends of the statements):
1. Leave
Canada on the 21st to allow for
weather related delays.
OK
2. Land in
Moscow and stay in hotel until morning of
24th. Are we able to have a rep meet us and take us to our hotel? OK, I just got the updated price list for
the services of our reps in Moscow ,
I attached it hereby.
3. Morning of the 24th fly to
UFA . Again, are we
able to have someone take us from the hotel to the airport? Yes
4. Be picked up at airport by a driver and
taken to meeting at MoE at 1pm. In Ufa
our reps will meet you and take to MOE
5. After meeting have driver take us to
orphanage. Our reps
will go with you.
6. Stay the night of 24th with host
family. Yes. From 24th
till early morning of 27th
7. On the 25th, spend day at orphanage.
Is this when we have the DMP check out the child? You will have DMP on 24th or on
25th . Our reps will inform you once they meet you in
Ufa .
8. Stay the night of the 25th with host
family. Yes
9. Spend the 26th at the orphanage and
stay the night with host family again. Yes
10. On the 27th, have a driver take us to
Ufa and fly to Moscow
early in the morning. Yes
11. Have a rep meet us at the airport and
take us to the clinic for specialist appointments. Yes
12. Stay the night in a hotel in Moscow. Hotel has to be in downtown Moscoe. Please
check with us the location before booking it
13. On the 28th, do we go to the clinic
again? Yes
14. Stay the night in a hotel in Moscow.Yes
Wowza!
It took awhile but I nailed it down last night and got these confirmations. Now we can look more seriously at booking flights and hotels because we have dates.
We have also spent time getting the last half of the Russian fees in order and mailed off. Mike, thankfully, tackled the opening of a USD bank account, getting and mailing the appropriate cheques and drafts. CHOC then mails us back an amount that is to be signed over to their Rep in Ufa. This is where some hostility erupted... I'm over it now but it was just one of those details that was obvious to me but not to him. This, I told him, is why I get nervous relinquishing control of aspects to him. He has also helped us secure dog care while we are gone (thanks to I&D or J!) and having someone clear our massive amounts of sidewalks if it snows while we are gone (thanks so much K!)
We will do our best to show all of our appreciation for everything! I already felt so much joy telling all of our references the good news that they helped produce! I also went shopping today to pick up gifts for our host family, translator, driver while in Russia. Just cute items that transcend language barriers!
I also picked up birthday cards for those who celebrate while we are gone; Christmas gifts for the kids which need to be mailed before we leave; Covering my shifts at work, since I was supposed to work Christmas; and getting a doc appointment to renew my prescriptions that run out while we are away and ensuring that Mak has a place in his clientele when we return.
That is all as of now... (I feel like that last sentiment is a HUGE downplay on what the ALL is).
And while this is all going on, the play opens tomorrow night and I have five shows a week until four days before I stop work LOL!
Man, I love his chestnut eyes and sweet little mouth! He WILL know how much excitement is drummed up around him! Those efforts are another post for another day!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Now that Most People Know...
Monday we were sent an email from CHOC that asked us to see how fast we could process travel visas because there was a feeling that there would be an offer soon, possibly for December 24th. I was at work and I was completely floored! NEVER did we expect to even 'possibly' hear this soon. It has been five weeks since our papers were sent over to Russia!
I immediately jumped on to the visa applications and it turns out it takes 12 days to process. I told CHOC and said I would await their call. This is when CHOC tells me they won't be calling. They have to offer a possible child to our provincial government first and then NS offers us the child. Wheels started turning. I asked if CHOC was able to tell me when they have forwarded an offer or even any of the details regarding the child. CHOC tells me they are not able to tell me ANYTHING. OK! I start to buzz because how else would CHOC have a possible date and be encouraging us to fill out visas if there hasn't been an offer? I now knew I wouldn't sleep...
Wednesday morning I'm at work on the phone with a food representative and my cell phone rings. I see it is an unknown caller and know that Family Services always appears as unknown. I immediately hung up on the rep and answered the cell. It was the head of Family Services!!!
Lo and Behold! We are being offered a boy! He just turned two at the end of October. The description we received is as follows:
I immediately jumped on to the visa applications and it turns out it takes 12 days to process. I told CHOC and said I would await their call. This is when CHOC tells me they won't be calling. They have to offer a possible child to our provincial government first and then NS offers us the child. Wheels started turning. I asked if CHOC was able to tell me when they have forwarded an offer or even any of the details regarding the child. CHOC tells me they are not able to tell me ANYTHING. OK! I start to buzz because how else would CHOC have a possible date and be encouraging us to fill out visas if there hasn't been an offer? I now knew I wouldn't sleep...
Wednesday morning I'm at work on the phone with a food representative and my cell phone rings. I see it is an unknown caller and know that Family Services always appears as unknown. I immediately hung up on the rep and answered the cell. It was the head of Family Services!!!
Lo and Behold! We are being offered a boy! He just turned two at the end of October. The description we received is as follows:
The boy is active, emotional,
sociable, he speaks by simple words, understands orders, can walk.
And the photo melted me.
He has a name but if everything goes according to plan we will be Canadianizing it slightly when custody is official. His name is Makerov Maxim. Instantly I was enamoured with Makerov (I've always liked names with v's) and had shortened it to Mak. I find out a few hours later that Russians often go by their middle names. Too late. He isn't a Max to us, he's a Mak. We won't say the first name until we know we have custody but for now, Mak Miklos? sounds awesome!
We have told people but still request no public postings until we have the date - which I now know will come on MONDAY!
This is so amazing and so wonderful. It is hard to describe the emotions that I went through but I will give it a go -
I didn't react to the call the way I expected. There was a not a blubbery mess of tears. I was definitely and obviously happy and excited but I am pretty sure I was in a state of shock for 36-ish hours. I immediately called Mike and told him and then ran around the store telling everyone. I even saw the teller from the bank who sold me the last bank draft for the Russian Consulate and I showed him the photo and hugged him (only to later think that might have been uncomfortable for him)! I was told several times that I was visibly shaking and stayed that way all night and next day. Mike and I were both pretty speechless sitting together that night. We just kept asking 'are you alright' and then smiling. Our minds were made up even though we had a doctor looking over the file we were pretty sure nothing was going to stop us from pursuing this boy.
Thursday started the same way Wednesday night ended - I was buzzing. I started to tell friends and family (beyond the parents whom already knew now) and it wasn't until reading one response that the immense awesomeness of this situation hit me like a tonne of bricks! There are two ways that I can best describe the feeling. One is that it felt like I literally shed a second skin and that it was so heavy that the sudden lightness made me fall to the floor. I had dropped to my knees and just started bawling and laughing. The second way is that suddenly Mak became three dimensional. Up to this moment he had been the picture and nothing more. I had even stood in his room the previous night but couldn't see him there. Now I could picture holding his hand, him coming down the stairs with me standing at the bottom, eating breakfast with him, him rocking in the chair with me... it was an endless flood of three-dimensional opportunity!
WOW!
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!
More to come when I know more too. Monday, as soon as I have the date, my status will be updated for the world to see my joy!
Monday, January 16, 2012
S.A.F.E
The first questionnaire is all about security and family/relationship interactions. It is 12 pages long with many, many options from which I can choose my descriptors. The questions start with describing my childhood and who raised me and how they raised me. It goes on to ask what my individual values are now, what my spouse's are and how we interact with eachother. I really wish I could have checked off that when we have a disagreement we resolve it by trying to 'outwit' each other!
I was discussing with a friend how I dislike surveys because you can easily tell which are the 'good' answers and the 'bad' ones. For example, a bad answer to the above disagreement situation would be 'throwing things, pushing, or hitting.' My friend talked about how surrveys like this often will relate to one another and they are really looking to see if there are inconsistancies over the different surveys within similar situations. I guess that would show if I was actually reading the questions or just checking off the positive descriptors. That would be a red flag for sure.
It would also be a red flag if Mike and I had very different answers... but any smart couple would discuss things and would want to establish common understanding of ambiguous phrases. I made sure Mike and I sat down and read through them together before filling them out. I hate when ambiguous questions could count against you if we each had answered according to a different understanding. Another example: the question 'how frequently do you have arguments with our spouse' really needs to have 'argument' clarified. Do they mean every time I get exasperated by having to repeat myself and then Mike getting defensive is an argument? Because that happens every time we cook together hahaha! He will ask how to cook something and I will say, "the same way I told you to do it last week," and that will cause a defensive reaction. I could just give up and tell him everytime how to do it but if he can remember where every hidden gem or clue is in a video game he can remember how to cook the beans when I say "pan fried beans." That whole situation could be considered an argument but it usually lasts less than 30 seconds and neither of us cares by the time it's over. Or is an argument bigger than that? When does it become a fight? Bah! Either way, we agreed on a definition and will hope for the best.
In the end, I know there is nothing that can count against either of us that would stop the province from approving us as adoptive parents. I just wish we could do all of the surveys at once and hurry it up!
I also drew up our fire escape plan (see Tori, we were in the norm for having done these with our family as kids!) and our letter of guardianship for Kid if anything should happen to us. The latter was a reality check. Poor Kid will have to move again if something happened and we couldn't give the proper care! It was good knowing that we have wonderful options and are pleased knowing our choice is similar to Mike and me and would be great at keeping Kid in touch with both sets of grandfolk.
Speaking of grandparents (wait for it, the transition will make sense, I promise)... there have been some fantastic kid reactions to our situation. Some are inquisitive to the point of catching their parents in some of those 'white lies' that can be told - "I don't understand how there can be kids whose parents don't want them, I thought you said only if a Mum and Dad love each other a lot then a baby be made." There have been questions as to why Mike and I in particular are in this situation - "why do you have to go to Russia, why can't you buy a kid here?" and - "how come you can't have a baby? Maybe if you were more girly..." I have adored all of the kid questions and stories from my friends about their kids' reactions. It's a different situation and their questions or suggestions can help me think about how I will help Kid know where he came from and how he ended up with me and Mike! They have all been wonderful but my favourite has come from back home and was just told to me two days ago. My cousin Chaundra has been wonderfully helpful from the start of our troubles and she has twin girls whom we both get a huge kick out of. It was just recently that Chaundra and my sister were discussing this adoption and the girls approached them with some questions. In summary: "Jessa and Mike will be a mum and dad, right? So, that means Mary will be a grandma? And Jim will be a grandpa? Well, Mary doesn't look like a grandma but Jim looks like a grandpa!" I LOVE this!!! I miss you girls! I cannot wait to have fun anecdotes from my own Kid!
I was discussing with a friend how I dislike surveys because you can easily tell which are the 'good' answers and the 'bad' ones. For example, a bad answer to the above disagreement situation would be 'throwing things, pushing, or hitting.' My friend talked about how surrveys like this often will relate to one another and they are really looking to see if there are inconsistancies over the different surveys within similar situations. I guess that would show if I was actually reading the questions or just checking off the positive descriptors. That would be a red flag for sure.
It would also be a red flag if Mike and I had very different answers... but any smart couple would discuss things and would want to establish common understanding of ambiguous phrases. I made sure Mike and I sat down and read through them together before filling them out. I hate when ambiguous questions could count against you if we each had answered according to a different understanding. Another example: the question 'how frequently do you have arguments with our spouse' really needs to have 'argument' clarified. Do they mean every time I get exasperated by having to repeat myself and then Mike getting defensive is an argument? Because that happens every time we cook together hahaha! He will ask how to cook something and I will say, "the same way I told you to do it last week," and that will cause a defensive reaction. I could just give up and tell him everytime how to do it but if he can remember where every hidden gem or clue is in a video game he can remember how to cook the beans when I say "pan fried beans." That whole situation could be considered an argument but it usually lasts less than 30 seconds and neither of us cares by the time it's over. Or is an argument bigger than that? When does it become a fight? Bah! Either way, we agreed on a definition and will hope for the best.
In the end, I know there is nothing that can count against either of us that would stop the province from approving us as adoptive parents. I just wish we could do all of the surveys at once and hurry it up!
I also drew up our fire escape plan (see Tori, we were in the norm for having done these with our family as kids!) and our letter of guardianship for Kid if anything should happen to us. The latter was a reality check. Poor Kid will have to move again if something happened and we couldn't give the proper care! It was good knowing that we have wonderful options and are pleased knowing our choice is similar to Mike and me and would be great at keeping Kid in touch with both sets of grandfolk.
Speaking of grandparents (wait for it, the transition will make sense, I promise)... there have been some fantastic kid reactions to our situation. Some are inquisitive to the point of catching their parents in some of those 'white lies' that can be told - "I don't understand how there can be kids whose parents don't want them, I thought you said only if a Mum and Dad love each other a lot then a baby be made." There have been questions as to why Mike and I in particular are in this situation - "why do you have to go to Russia, why can't you buy a kid here?" and - "how come you can't have a baby? Maybe if you were more girly..." I have adored all of the kid questions and stories from my friends about their kids' reactions. It's a different situation and their questions or suggestions can help me think about how I will help Kid know where he came from and how he ended up with me and Mike! They have all been wonderful but my favourite has come from back home and was just told to me two days ago. My cousin Chaundra has been wonderfully helpful from the start of our troubles and she has twin girls whom we both get a huge kick out of. It was just recently that Chaundra and my sister were discussing this adoption and the girls approached them with some questions. In summary: "Jessa and Mike will be a mum and dad, right? So, that means Mary will be a grandma? And Jim will be a grandpa? Well, Mary doesn't look like a grandma but Jim looks like a grandpa!" I LOVE this!!! I miss you girls! I cannot wait to have fun anecdotes from my own Kid!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Reactions
When this process started I was warned by two people to be
wary of judgement and negative reactions from those who don’t agree with my
choice to adopt internationally. It
never crossed my mind that people would be anything but ecstatic but I guess
that is a valid concern considering the family dynamic is a touchy subject with
so many. I am lucky that no one has
expressed any prejudices about cultural differences or pressing me to do
everything medically possible to keep trying the “normal” way. I am also pleased that I have had four family
members offer to maim or harm anyone who is opposed to our process! And each offered to carry this out in a
different manner… I have creative and loving guardian angels for Kid already! Although, there have been a few guarded
reactions. I don’t see my announcement
any different from if I was announcing I was actually pregnant. I wonder if those guarded reactions would
have been so if that really was the case.
See? Family dynamic is a touchy
thing.
I feel that if you are happy for someone it doesn’t
matter. I have spent the last few years
celebrating all the majority of friends and family members announcing
pregnancies and bringing life into this world and the whole time I knew it
would be difficult for me to conceive. I
hope like hell none of you were guarded with your own excitement when telling
me! It doesn’t matter my situation
because it was yours in the spotlight. I
can honestly say I never once felt sorry for myself after your announcements. I feel sorry for myself when I see idiots out
in public manhandling their kids or clearly neglecting their kids’ well-being
because those idiots do not deserve kids and I do! I was recently told by an expecting friend
that there was nervousness when telling me but my reaction took it all away
because I was clearly happy for him!
Bring on the stories and photos because I love knowing my friends are
happy!
So, I wonder if those who felt the need to stifle their
celebration with me for the sake of others can put themselves in my shoes and
understand that, after years of trying and all the comments and questions about 'when are we having kids?' and constant negative results from
doctors but watching what felt like everyone around me have joy, that I have
earned this feeling of elation and I am not hiding it from anyone. I don’t bring it up constantly or only talk
about this subject but I already know that having this light at the end of the
tunnel to look towards has put a spring in my step and an enthusiastic twist on
everything I do; the same as I would be affected knowing I was pregnant. My family dynamic does not see it as
different; Mike and I are still going to be parents! Just like the song most of us learned as a
kid: if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands! And I’m clapping damn hard!
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