Another Anniversary!

One year ago today, Mike and I were granted custody of Dania and we were taking this photograph as our first official family photo:

Now, one year later:

she still has about the same amount of hair.

Wow.   I often get asked if I can remember life before her... yes, I can.  It was just so much quieter and different and not as much love and worry busting out of me 24/7.   I can remember life without her... just don't necessarily want to go back to that life!  I also get asked a lot if we are going for number 2 now... well, I always  said that if we adopted again I would want Dania to be old enough to weigh in on the matter.  She might be more bothered over the fact that she was adopted than we could realize (this doesn't mean she doesn't see us as her parents, it just means she has internalized that she began by not being wanted by someone) and if going through the process would bother her then I don't think I could do it.  If by some miracle I got pregnant, then that's another story.  But in all honesty?  I am so happy with just one to love and cherish with every morsel of my soul.   I do hope that "Russia" will open it's mind and allow adoption to Canada again for the sake of all those little ones out there.  I still think of Mak in the baby home and I have so many other faces that I saw everyday while there too!  My beautiful girl is here though.  Her citizenship is almost ready to be sent (by the end of next week is my goal).  

We did the photo shoot with Blue Vine photography and wonderful Jenine in order to celebrate this remarkable milestone.  I thought it was more for me to send to my family back home but when I saw the last photograph she took of me and Dania I started to cry.  And I cried every time I thought about it for the next few days.  A loving confidant asked me why I cried... I had to think about it and I realized it was because I still fear that she can be taken from me for political reasons.  We struggled to get her and there was so much angst over the court day and so much precaution over dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's that I think I still felt like it wasn't permanent.  This is a different feeling from the irrational fear that she will stop breathing at night since she sleeps with a blanket over her face (she's kind of like the bird in a cage that way, just have to move her and put the blanket back and she will settle) or that she will run into the street when I'm not looking for a second... it's so much scarier than that.  It's so hard to put into proper words for me to convey to everyone else.  It's just that I didn't realize it was there before, this deep-seated fear that since she is still not a Canadian citizen (hence my meltdown when I couldn't find her PR card!) that she is susceptible somehow - and I didn't really realize it until I saw that picture.  Then it hit me when Jenine showed me (crying again right now) that this photo completely represented my reality.  It was her and me and no one else around to intrude.  We were in the middle of a field wearing coronas of sunlight and that is it.  We are not inhibited by being out in the open and we are enjoying each other.  That's it.  Simplicity at its best.  And it's my simplicity now.  

For as long as I live, I may not have a photo that means as much to me as this one.  Mama loves you Dania!

Busy, Busy, Busy

Yes, I would have liked to type sooner but life (OLYMPICS!!!) got in the way!  I also type for my job so, sometimes I just want to hide the keyboard!

First and foremost, Dania is completely healed.  She came through that like a complete trooper.  The followup with the surgeon was great and he was very happy with how the closure looked.  She definitely doesn't have as much food out the nose while eating, that's the biggest change, but she also has been trying to talk a whole lot more.  She isn't necessarily making the different sounds that she couldn't before but she is watching my mouth again (I hadn't really realized that had stopped) and she is repeating syllables.  She really, really wants to talk.  She will need to do a lot of work still.  Really, with English, she is only 9 months old.

She also turned 2 last month!!!  What an exciting day!  I made two cakes, one for her first birthday and one for her second, and we had a little shindig.  I know she was overwhelmed with the amount of people.  She hung around my legs and wanted to be held a lot while people were arriving and then she stayed quiet and kind of just bounced from person to person.  I had asked that if people wanted to bring gifts that they bring books because she loves them so much.  I had asked people to think of their fav kids' books or ones their kids enjoyed and to pass on the fun.  She has spent so many hours going through all of them over and over again ever since the party!

What I am working on with her is trying to get her to finish the sentences in the books I am reading to her.  Kids' books are so repetitive and she definitely knows what is coming next but she doesn't quite grasp this concept.  She will follow along with me and then if I leave a blank she stares at me and taps her collar bone because my first strategy was pointing at her hahaha!  She will repeat it after me but just isn't quite there yet.  The speech pathologist said to make sure we follow her lead in the books and not to force the story to progress how it always goes... which is what we've been doing with the Grover book.  She knows what page she wants and what words she wants to hear!

She has developed her temper and her demands of us are growing in volume too.  She is thankfully not pulling her hair out anymore when she gets angry... she just slams the floor or tries to hit us.  She finally had a tantrum in front of friends so that people can believe me when I say she is feisty and can be very difficult!  She is always so complacent in front of people and she did give me a black eye in one of her fits, but having eye-witnesses felt good! hahaha!  We try very hard to curb her hitting and we give her options but if she is not happy with those options we do not bend over backwards to change anything.

She is also sleeping in a big bed now - I say as she is currently walking around in her room instead of sleeping - and she usually goes to bed much quicker now.  She does not always have a nap, but we give her quiet time and she just plays in her room.  I have also developed a theory that she goes crazy around full moon time...she must have Russian werewolf inside her.

I just checked and the full moon is tomorrow hahaha! 

On the administrative side of things, I got her a SIN card so we can set up an RESP for her and so that I had another piece of government issued identification for her citizenship application.  I have it filled out, just needed the extra ID and a new picture to send with it.

She continues to amaze me, make me giggle, and frustrate the hell out of me on a daily basis and it is the best.

Recovery

The first few days home have made a huge difference, as expected.  The first night was a little rough.  We could tell she was still sore and she kept wiggling out of the sleeves of her pajamas, and therefore the arm braces.  She let out this high pitched scream at one point and I know she must have hit the roof of her mouth with her fingers!  I ran in and picked her up and started looking for the braces.  I was moving the crib, all of her toys, everything it seemed, and could not find one of them.  I started singing for "Daaaaddy, pleeeeease come he-elp!" and other similar phrases, but was not getting any back up.  She is whimpering and I'm trying not to yell so I don't upset her more.  I knew she needed pain medication and she needed the braces and some cuddling - can't do all three myself at the same time.  I start singing louder and then just plain yelling and still no help.  I finally walk to the side of our bed and just yell, "MIKE!"  Well, that scared the crap out of him!  He jumped up and I told him to run and get all the pain medications hahaha.  It's good to know one of us was getting the sleep we both needed.  After we dosed her up with all her medications, I snuggled with her in the spare room until she fell asleep.  She slept for four hours after that.  She needed it!

The following morning she played as usual, but just quieter.  She isn't doing her squeals and yells like she did before.  She gets tired quickly and wants to be picked up a lot, but as long as she isn't laying down she doesn't need the arm braces.  It is only when she is sleeping that she wants her hands in her mouth.  She is drinking and eating and has even overcome the constipation from all the anesthesia and morphine.  This kid is kicking her surgery's ass!  When she gets sleepy or if she gets worked up because she hurts her mouth when eating, we give her the computer to watch so she calms down fast and gets distracted from the pain.  She has gone down for her naps like normal and has even started her usual night time routine of chattering away to herself for hours! 

Last night, her arm braces stayed on - we put them on under the onesie - and she only woke up twice but was able to go back down in her crib after being settled.  One time was because she had pooped and not even because of mouth pain.  She ate so well this morning and Skyped with her gramma and was her flirty self, just a bit quieter.  She even started doing her Grover impressions again but they just sound more muted haha!  Let's hope the next few nights go this well too.  If she continues to heal this well, we might not need the braces on her arms as long as they say!  Yeah!

I also want to say, 'thank you,' again to all of the well-wishes and good thoughts from everyone following our journey.  More and more come out of the woodwork each day and I love knowing my girl has so much support! xoxo

Ontario Trip

We were a little apprehensive about the plane ride since the last one was such a trial... but she was perfect!  What a peach that charmed everyone and now waves 'hi' and 'bye' almost all of the time (we practiced with people coming on and off the plane.  When we landed in Ontario she was clingy towards me... she had never been like that.  I think she was nervous about the change in environment and wanted to make sure I was not going anywhere - melt my heart!  She is completely attached to us and that is the evidence right there.  By the next morning, though, I think she had remembered Aunt Kitty and Uncle Fil (they were the most recent visitors), it took her a bit longer with gramma and grampa.  Just like we did when she first came here, we took it easy with introduction and tried not to do more than one face a day.  There were two parties though, and at those she was a complete charmer again. 

The first party was my cousin J's wedding.  She was quiet at first and then discovered the wall of mirrors!  She walked around with my cousin C's kids and they watched over her and Dania was great.  She didn't get a full length nap that afternoon so she was a little cranky at the restaurant after the ceremony but, all in all, the day was a success!  And she looked darn cute too!

We went to the aquarium in Toronto too.  AMAZING!  It opened the day we arrived in Ontario so it was still VERY new and just a stellar place to visit!  She loved it too.  She likes water so we had a feeling she would the view.  She liked when the sharks swam over top of her.  She was a little hesitant about the glass floors, clearly they were confusing her because they were see through but she wasn't falling in... It was enjoyable for us to watch her mind work.

On this trip she developed so many new habits.  She now goes crazy before bed every night.  It was a once in a while event before, but now she loooves to make herself dizzy and run around from person to person.  She also is more melodic with her talking.  She still isn't saying words but she sounds more like she is having a conversation for sure!  She also is a lot more approachable to people.  She always was easy going with new faces, thanks to the orphanage, but she is a lot more immediately interactive.  She still initial breaks the ice by pointing out her eye, but a visit with O and M had her nodding and waiting for them to mimic her.  She nods, shrugs, tilts her head in a creepy-twins-from-The-Shining manner, head rolls, and will all out laugh now!  She has somersaulted on her own, likes to be startled, and play peek-a-boo!

Dania met and had dinner with her 4 great-grandparents that live in Brantford.  Papa Jim was waiting when the elevator doors opened and yelled down the hall to Nana, "told you I was going to meet her first!"  It was wonderful.  He also declared he was going to hold her first and kind of sent Nana to get her something so he could sit in the chair with Dania!  At her other great-grandparents' it was cute to see Dania sit in the same little rocking chair that I remember sitting in when I was little, as did my mum and gramma!  Perfect! 

To end the whole visit with a bang we had a meet and greet planned and the entire world came to visit!  She looked amazing again... in a unicorn dress, no less!  I loved unicorns as a kid so I HAD to buy this dress when I saw it!

  

Even with 55 people in the room, Dania was not shy!  She actually reached from person to person and went looking for the food she liked best (pretzels) and would let herself be picked up to converse with all of the strangers.  I keep saying it, but it means the world to me how many friends and family came to see Dania and the generosity from everyone!  It was an amazing evening and hear and see Dania giggle and laugh so much now made all the pre-trip apprehensions worth it!  

 

We are back to reality now and will be starting with the doctors again on Monday!  Phew!  What an adventure.  And the plane ride back?  It was great.  She was the best behaved kid on the plane, so much so that she actually started mimicking one other girl who was crying - it sounded like she was making fun of her!  Eeesh.  Had to try and stop that!  She didn't get to nap and was cranky and out of sorts when she went down to bed but she was just fine after a good sleep-in!

I have also just noticed that a lot of her 3-6  month clothes don't fit now!  Yeah!!!!  She's growing!  I love this kid!  She makes me laugh soooo much!

 

Thank You, En Masse!

Ummm, seriously might have cried myself to sleep last night over the immense display of interest and love from long time friends and family!  Wow!

More details will be added in later, upon return home, but while it is all fresh in my mind...

-Thank you great grandparents x 4 for letting us come visit you so you didn't need endure the wondrous cacophony that was last night!
 -Thank you Heather, Amy, Olive, Steph, Jack, Lucy for allowing us to visit you a few days prior.
- thank you Mum and Katie, for being astounding hosts and organizers
- and in order of appearance( give or take)...Dad  -aunt Carly  -Larbi  - Dean, Cherie, Laura  -Kelly, Chris, Grady  -Robyn  -Natasha, Ryan, Christina,  -Chaundra, Abby, Sidney  -Bob, Jeannie,  -Fil (& your folks via you!)  -Tall Maureen (and Beau and Ben via your sentiments!)  -Heather, Matt, Cameron, Heather, Kenner  -Maureen (& John), Laura, Patrick, Danielle,  -Courtney, Scott, Brayden,  -Lacey, Cam, Cadence, Kendall,  -Tom, Brenda, C.J.  -Clayton, Sam, Nathan(and your sick Grandma who is my mum's best friend and therefore on you side!)  -Julie, Stephane (I know I spelled your last name wrong on your wedding photo file, I'm soooo sorry!)  -Jenn Feijo Action News at 7,  -Ashley, Dave, Alex, Josh,  -Ashley (you're always Stinx to me), Jay, Kate (who had the line of the night with "they are all horrible people" in regards to those who were giving my dad green ju-jubes!)!
-Then, the visits that came outside of 'visiting hours:'  Kees (& Amy, Keegan, your mum and Will via you!)  -Kim (a complete pleasure to finally get to know you!),  -Oliver and Megan (the first people she didn't hesitate the slightest with when asking you to knock on her skull)  -Cindy, Sadie, Reid (who drove the furthest for the shortest and sweetest visit!  Y'all have pen pals for life!)

Seriously, I'm wanting to cry writing this list... heck, I AM crying!  It has been two months since she has 'landed' and y'all were lining up to meet her.  I am so thankful for your kindness, generosity, PATIENCE, and, above all else, love!  I am sorry if I fail to send a thank you card between now and Christmas cards... but forgive me please!!!!  I did take time to open and appreciate all kind words and thoughts and I am saving every single slip of paper that relates to Dania so that she will KNOW just how excited everyone was to meet her! 

This kid has changed my future but all of you (ALL those who have hoped, prayed, encouraged, loved, and gave previous to this too!) have built my past and it is a story I hope to share with anyone who will listen!  Seriously... It has been an incredible reception leading up to last week and to now be able to add this away-from-home reception too... counting my innumerable stars!

"Wow" is the only adjective that I can use to accurately describe the present...