Expired.

Our visas expired today.  Unfortunately, they were unused, a waste of money, and didn't result in any family-building progress.  Let's just pretend we bought 93 packages of 2-day sale diapers from work and call it even.

We've got some Small Shoes to Fill.

It's been 21 weeks since we sent our folder over.  I originally thought at least 30 so we are still in the normal range of waiting.  We were told 6-12 months.  It is just a bit more maddening since we already had one offer.

I hope.  I still hope. 

Sadly, I will be missing my friends wedding, in Cuba, next month.  I will miss my cousin's wedding, in North Carolina, in June.  I will be missing my friend D's and Mike's friend J's weddings - both this summer outside of province.  I feel so sad that we have this state of limbo that is resulting in us missing so many wonderful weddings.  I just hope these people understand how sad this makes us and if it was anything but waiting for this we would be there - with dancing shoes on!  This is another form of loss I had never thought about before embarking on this journey.

We actually had to talk about when to stop waiting.  That was hard but I feel it was necessary.  I don't want to wake up one day a decade from now and feel like we missed all of these wonderful things for naught.  The same way I decided it wasn't happening naturally, we settled on a "it's not going to happen this way either" date.

That's a long ways away though.

Because I hope.

Getting My Groove Back

I have forced myself to sing and dance around the kitchen everyday.  It feels good.  I can't believe how I had stopped singing!  I had even stopped in the backroom at work... it is so obvious now that I am forcing it.  It will become natural soon enough though. 

I still get angry at least once a day.  It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened.  I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago.  I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now.  If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state.  I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones.  Why?  No one can tell me.  Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something!  And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt.  I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still.  I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are.  I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests.  It is the same place inside of me.  I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts.  I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones.  Again, why do I have to live with it now?  What is wrong with my insides?

Ok, I could really go on and on.  Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too.  Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return. 

Counciling Homework

I was told to find a project.  My first instinct was to find something that had to do with Kid - so I felt progress towards the adoption.  I had been shown the adoption maternity photos and enlisted the help of Paul Clarke Photography and created some beautiful images.

Thank you so much Paul.
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.

They have given me something to look at and to focus.  I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through.  I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy.  Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on.  I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.

My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me.  I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work.  I will see how I feel.  I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!

I had excitement from a project for the home.  I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
 It is now done and I feel I did it too fast.  sigh.

I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.

The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things.  She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough.  Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page.  She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing.  I agree.  Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about.  I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me.  I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak!  I wrote about the stupid customers at work.  I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently.  I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do.  Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders.  It felt good.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.

The councilor also asked me to start singing again.  She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped.  I don't sing in the shower.  I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities.  I don't sing along with the radio.  She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced.  She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.

Well, that's it now.  Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do.  Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense.  It will.  That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week.  It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.

In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing.  LOL!

Good Grief...

Seriously - good grief.

I went to a grief councilor today.  It was recommended to me.  I never thought that all the anger I have is grief but, HELLO!, one of the classic five stages of grief!  It was the first of a few, and a major 'get to know you,' sessions.  I did get a lot out of it and I look forward to the next one.  I feel bad always talking to Mike about things because he doesn't see things the same way or always knows what to say.

I told her about how work is such a trigger for my anger and that I'm not used to it.  She said that it's ok and good that I'm letting myself feel that anger by leaving the work floor and either crying or breathing it out by myself for a few minutes.  She also said it's good that I have cried.

She said I needed to do more for myself.  She said that if I hadn't wanted to "do" Christmas that that was ok and I could have stood my ground because it was what I needed (and now I have residual anger over that whole holiday too!).  She told me that I also needed to find something for me because I went from having hope,things to do to feel productive about the adoption, AND my play to having nothing to do -all in one shot.  She also told me to continue writing.  As previously stated, I was writing in a journal to Kid once he had a name... I stopped after saying that I lost him.  She suggested turning it into a journal for me or starting a new one for this in between stage plus the new proposal.

She said I needed a project for Kid too.  I spent all this time prepping for Kid and now I have nothing left to do so, make something useful to do!  I'm going to go to the fabric store tomorrow and look over patterns and see what's out there.  She told me where to look for community art/active classes.  I just missed the sign up for the winter session but at least I know where to look later on.  She said I also needed to take an hour to myself, at least 3 times a week, in order to FEEL and accept the grief.  I can feel angry or cry, or whatever, but I need to do that and then leave it there...

I DO feel a bit better all around though.  We did something positive for ourselves in order to re-establish our hope (or maybe, mainly, just mine).  I think it worked.  I saw the fruits of our results today and I am quite satisfied.  I will share it all on here eventually... a bit more time..

In the next week I plan to take those hours, go to the fabric store to explore a new project, and continue to write for me.  I was going to by a new journal as my original intent was to leave my writings for Mak if this fell through (I had thought if it fell through it'd be because of my medication and not because his Mom came back)but he won't be coming to Canada and learning English and I'm not paying a translator to make my writings Russian.  Ergo, I thought I should continue to write in that beautiful journal (which I had been saving for a special writing occasion) and poor into it all of my ugly thoughts.   Then, for future reference and hopefully, all my the ugliness will be sandwiched between the beauty and hope of my want and being a mum.

Good grief!

Makes me Want to Vomit

Well, I've been trying to understand the whole Russian ban on US adoptions.  When Russia first declared the ban I had read, in US newspapers online, that it was all in retaliation to a human rights law that says Russians adopted into the US who violate this law are essentially excommunicated even though they are raised, and currently, American.  That is what I gathered was the ULTIMATE problem.  It may be unrelated.  Either way, history has had a few really bad outcomes with US people adopting Russians, and Russia has always been pissed off.  Now, USA passes the Magnitsky act that bans particular Russian 'bad guys' (extortionists, spies, etc) from the country.  USA passes this law and then Russia announces the adoption ban.  These two may be completely separate from each other but they also might be directly related.  Again, this is only as I understand it.  I heard of the ban on December 28th and I directly went online to look into this matter. 

Now Canada is considering passing this Magnitsky act too.  What the hell does this mean for us?

I want to vomit thinking that Russia will ban adoptions from Canada too.  I also look at the bigger picture and see that we don't have the same human rights laws that essentially say you are only really American if you are born in America...

I am so sick to my stomach.  I asked CHOC and they told me that they have no information but hope that this won't affect Canadian adoptions.

I feel utterly defeated.  I feel like I will never become a mum.  The closest will be me having a photograph in a drawer and me being a babysitter.

Mike is remarkably less shaken.  He just says we pick a new country.  I can't keep facing rejection over and over.  I can't keep spending thousands of dollars getting to this point and having to start over.  I don't want to bankrupt us to become a parent - how the heck will I support a child in that instance?

I feel nauseous daily and now I don't expect it to lessen up at all. 

Les Miserables cryfest

First of all, I have to say that I feel for the 46 couples in the states that have just had the same heart break as me.  I know what it feels to be offered the chance at being a mum and then losing it due to something way beyond your control.  I would like you all to know that if this situation results in a repairing with me and Mike the child will be sooooo loved.  I know that's not what you want to hear but I have had to tell myself something very similar in order to come to terms with my loss.

I saw Les Miserable on the weekend.  I knew I would cry because music always makes me cry and there are a lot of needy kids.  There was one part where I thought my heart was going to leak out of my chest due to pain.
They wrote a new song for the movie and holy heck did it shake me to my soul.  Valjean is singing to a sleeping Cosette after he first adopts her:

“Suddenly I see

Suddenly it starts

When two anxious hearts

Beat as one.

Yesterday I was alone

Today you walk beside me

Something still unclear

Something not yet here

Has begun.

Suddenly the world

Seems a different place

Somehow full of grace

And delight.

How was I to know

That so much love

Was held inside me?

Something fresh and young

Something still unsung

Fills the night.

How was I to know at last

That happiness can come so fast?

Trusting me the way you do

I’m so afraid of failing you

Just a child who cannot know

That danger follows where I go

There are shadows everywhere

And memories I cannot share

Nevermore alone

Nevermore apart

You have warmed my heart

Like the sun.

You have brought the gift of life

And love so long denied me.

Suddenly I see

What I could not see

Something suddenly

Has begun.”

DAMN YOU HUGH JACKMAN!

I found the lyrics from this blog:
http://julianstark-moviesandotherthings.blogspot.ca/2012/10/les-miserables-first-look-at.html

Here's My Beef:

I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it.  I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!

There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried.  There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt.  There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store.  You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.

I do have to apologize to my cousin R.  I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected.  I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood!  For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:

It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years.  There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance).  Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life).  The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought.  At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like.  I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open.  It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach.  I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?"  She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up.  I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked.  R, I am very sorry.  J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys!  I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew.  I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood.  I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!

Home was supposed to be a healing trip.  I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need.  I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing.  I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer.  I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).

It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel.  I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).

I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too.  We almost made it without crying with each other.  It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that.  Honestly?  I don't know.  I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph.  She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos.  I never thought of it that way.  I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage.  I still don't know what I think of my answer to that.  It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.

I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma!  I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!

well, it's Christmas...

I'm not feeling it this year.  Whatever, I can Grinch it up for once.

Dear Mak, today was to be our first full day together.  Karma kicked it differently though... I hope you are warm and happy.  I know you don't celebrate today but I am supposed to.  I will be thinking of you and drinking wine and reading about yoga.  I have vowed to get more spiritual.  I need some help.  I never even met you but I miss you.  A heck of a lot.
XOXO, Mum that never was.

Thank you to my family.  You get me and have been great.  I can't wait to hug you tomorrow and see with my own eyes that you are ok.  Now I'm crying again... And at work.  Bah hum bug.



Sent from my HTC

Seriously Grey's?!?!?!

Why does she pursue an international adoption at the same time.  Why does she lose the kid and then get it back?  Why does she get pregnant after?  I am SO hooked on this show and, yes, it makes me cry like a baby each week.
This week she is showing my fear for the next offer.  She has miscarried and now is pregnant but not acknowledging it.  She doesn't look at the screen of the ultrasound or tell anyone.  I feel like that is already the way I am thinking for the next offer.  There is always a chance and CHOC was telling me it was a rare possibility but it happened... it could happen again... When do I tell?
GAH!
I am just so concerned with how disappointed people were.  My sister shows up with wonderful and amazingly thoughtful gifts and I had to tell her her prospective nephew was a no-go.  I made her cry when I told her (sorry katie, but i have to say it because you are one person who I never want to make feel bad...at least, anymore).  Again, I KNOW it's not ME... but if I want to appear as the happy messenger I would literally have to wait to say ANYTHING until the 30 days after the court hearing when the papers are finally in our hands.  How do I hide two or three trips to Russia and all of the excitement pouring out of my heart!?
Holy moly! WAY too much to think about.  I need to tell... I need to share... I need people to know why I am suddenly sad when something like what JUST happened happens...

One Week Later...

Yesterday was the first time I felt hopeful again.  I was walking Leia and had a thought that it would be sooner than we expect (but not AS soon as this time).  It was a great feeling and made me stop on the path... stop and smile.

Then last night I dreamed about this situation.  I had received a package from the president of Russia (remember, dream) and he was completely aware of our situation.  He apologized for the rarity of our circumstance and said he could propose a child to us right now but we only had an 8% chance of being able to take him home in June when he was done being fostered.  He said he had blonde hair and looked more like us.

WTF, mate!?

I woke up thinking it was extremely weird - and nothing like my prophetic 2 year old brunette vision (which I still hold to be true).  BUT! at least my subconsciousness is thinking of the future.

I then received a Christmas card wishing me excitement and love this holiday - especially with our wonderful new addition.  I had the initial heart-hurt but then I thought about how embarrassed he was going to feel when he finds out.  I thought he knew.  Crap.

It hasn't even been a week yet (one week ago tonight I was sitting at my dining table with my mum and sister and eating celery, whipped peanut butter, cheese, and sour cream and onion Special K crackers.  We were talking about the play, the trip, Christmas, the future...

No matter what happens, the future is always there, and I'm at least looking forward with a smile again. 

Heartbreak

I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it.  It is such a different kind of loss.  We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting.  It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around.  We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers.  Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.

My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer.  Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.

Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through.  I cried a lot - all over Mike.  I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me.  I know he is hurting too.  He has lost the same.

I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in.  I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home.  When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful.  They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice.  They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night.  They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves.  As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.

I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone.  I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that.  Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything.  The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again.  I love you all and feel for you too.  I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time. 

A Step Back

Well, here is our new hiccup.  Mak's mom has applied for him back.  It is sad, yes, but hopefully she can prove she is capable so that he doesn't wait out this process to just go back on the list.

I just received the email and it was very upsetting (want to throw up in a different way now) but I was thankful my mum and sis were here.  I am also thankful this didn't happen after we met him.  We were told things like this can happen but CHOC was still upset and concerned for us.

The ministry of education didn't have any appropriate other candidates at this time so we wouldn't have to cancel our plans.  We have to wait again now.

I hope the new year means more candidates will have spent the appropriate amount of time on the national lists and can now go international.  I feel awful saying that I feel better not feeling so rushed but obviously this has happened for a reason.  Maybe some little guy is there who doesn't have a mom that was able to fix herself up and care for a child so fate needs us to see to him and not Mak... I still say two year old boy... it's what I saw.

It's just very upsetting I won't have a chance to make those sad, brown eyes smile.  He is still so much in my heart that I am worried this hiccup for him won't work out.  He always will be in my heart.  This was Mike's and my first glimpse at being parents and it was so special.  We may have lost him but he is hopefully getting his real mom back because of our loss.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and wishes and keep sending out the good vibes.  It all started faster than expected so maybe my original inclination that June was the time will still be correct...

Sigh.

We love you Mak!

Jessa 3.0

30th birthday today.

It's just a number... but I find myself sad.  I think it's because I truly expected to be a mother by this age.  Especially because I met Mike at 23 and KNEW with all my heart that this was a man I wanted to marry and have kids with him. It didn't turn out that way... it's ok, I'm just bummed.

We are also looking at a later timeline for our name getting to Russia.  Mike had his appointment with the base doctors and they ticked off 'yes' under mental disease on our additional forms.  The form I previously mentioned that if a 'yes' appears it won't even be a considered application... shit.  I got quite upset that day.  Mike is supposed to be the easy one for that form!  He is, of course, appealing to the doctors and telling them why we need it to say 'no.'  His appointment is at the end of August - the time when I wanted our whole dossier being sent to Russia.  Sigh.  At least CHOC is doing their job by ensuring we aren't going to pay to apply just to be denied.  God, I hope this works out.

I had some follow up appointments with some specialists in regards to trying to find out why I can't conceive.  Still no answers but I officially had the funniest/strangest comment said to my by a doctor.  The doc who did my cervical biopsy last year had me in to double check there were no changes.  It was quick and easy but as she was leaving, with one breath, she says, "well, you have a great cervix and a great purse.  Bye!"

Who says that in the same sentence?!?!

So, I can at least take heart knowing that if Russia doesn't like my head problems I have a great cervix and purse.

Likeness

I got a little sad today when I realized  I won't have that seeing-the- "likeness" between Kid and our baby pictures.  That is one thing that I love seeing in kids and their parents... the genetic resemblences.  I love how quickly it changes - like when Sophie was born and how she looked so much like the women from Tori's side of the family, but now she looks so much like Eric.  It's amazing what genes can do.  I loved genetics best in biology class and learning about dominant traits and how they can be passed with recessive too.  I know that because Mike was blonde as a kid and I am blonde now any genetic kid would have had blonde hair (can only be present when two recessive genes are present, therefore we can only each pass on a recessive gene creating the recessive gene in kid), and the same goes for blue eyes.  (Yes, I probably really dumbed that down and someone like Tori, who is a genius when it comes to this stuff, could point out flaws.  Just go with it, k?)  I got sad, almost like a nostalgic sad, when I thought of how I wouldn't be able to say, "that's Mike's impish grin," or, "the shape and colour of his eyes are the same as mine."  This is part of the loss with which I have to deal.  I figure Kid will eventually look like us anway because he'll adopt our mannerisms and people can say, "look at how he stands.  That's so Jessa."  Just as long as he doesn't hand talk as much as Mike!  I just wanted to share because I said I would share as much as I can about this whole process and well, I've got nothing but time to think now.

Our Homestudy was hand delivered to the Provincial Goverment today.  Now awaiting the stamp of approval.

School: Part 1

I say part one because it will probably take me weeks to write about all my feelings and thoughts from our International Adoption Training.  I wasn't quite sure what we would do at this international training but it was wonderful to be part of so much discussion and hear about what to expect and, above all, to feel validated in our choice to do this! Intention was discussed on the first day and there are many reasons that adoption can be chosen but not everyone has thought about the fact that an adoptee is automatically a child with special needs.   Mike and I adopt Kid and Kid adapts to us.  That's not easy and it all stems from loss.

Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete.  Kid loses his parents.  Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home.  The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this.  It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings.  Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving.  It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision.  We have lost the idea of a biological child.  I have dealt with and accepted this.  Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid.  It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on."  Well, that did it for me.  I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child.  It was his hesitance that scared me.  He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him.  Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said.  This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving!  I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.

That was revelation number one.

Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption.  Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage.  Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays.  I had honestly not thought of this.  There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting.  And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside.  It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents.  We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution.  They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.

I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding.  Both are necessary for a deep relationship.  Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us.  It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely.  It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment.  It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them. 

This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid.  Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid.  It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us,  don't have people visiting the house right away.  This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important.  We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that.  Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while.  Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey!  It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid.  We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it.  And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.

That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training.  I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored.  It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.