I cannot even imagine doing all I am doing and still having to do all that shopping... thanks again!
We keep receiving wonderfully kind words and help and we are so lucky!
To just give a quick low-down on the new stress we were slapped with, the embassy diplomats went on strike in a lot of the major cities, including Moscow. I had an email from the lady at CHOC who I keep dealing with (and it was a tad rude, but we won't get into that now since it is being dealt with) that basically said we have to check to see if we are going to experience delays because of this. Eff that! Isn't that part of what we are paying her for? Contact with the reps over in Moscow who would have a better ability to find out this info?!?! Either way, S has the email of the contact in Moscow from their previous adoption so he emailed her. It shouldn't be a problem, still 4 business days for the visa, because of the situation. Thank goodness for his contact with O in Moscow!
Also, the apartment rental people are beginning to get on our nerves too (when I say our, I mean all 4 of us) with a few little things. As S said, "there's always a little excitement, isn't there?"
I have ordered the money, washed all of her and our clothes, started the pile of what we need to take, scanned our travel documents again for registration, put new items 'away' so that we can get rid of all the garbage and packaging before she is in the house, rescheduled all appointments, gave my friends a tour of Halifax, and continually email S in Richmond Hill about everything, and dealt with the stupid responses from the two parties I mentioned earlier.
My list is about half done, which is good because it's halfway through the time we had! 4 more sleeps!!!
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
GAH!
The visa centre guarenteed that we will NOT receive our visas in time for our appointment on the 24th. I am so upset. GAH! Russia and Canada need to fast track their communications for situations like this - no espionage anywhere near us!!!
Mike spent some time on the phone with the visa centre so we are 100% sure we cannot do anything to rush receiving them before the 24th. TWO DAYS!
It's ok. Breathe. Think of the Counting Crows song that you were crying to in the car on the way home from work today, "Round here she's always on my mind. Round here, hey man, I got lots of time."
CHOC has emailed their reps that this appointment must be changed and the visa situation is completely out of our hands. Of course, I freak out and think this will count against us somehow. I had to email CHOC back and make sure Dania wouldn't be re-proposed to a couple that could make it there sooner. Mike spoke with our rep at CHOC and said she was very empathetic to the situation and new we must be upset that this couldn't work our right now. I was too upset to call and talk!
Better now. Breathing now. Stomach not in knots waiting to see if our visas will make it.
I am pissed because I was going to make up our budget of US cash and Roubles needs tomorrow but now I fully can't because I don't know how many days we will be needing to pay translators, housing, drivers, etc. GAH!
Our hope is that we can keep our medical appointment on the 29th and make that the beginning of the trip. That is a HUGE hope though since Russia goes on vacation May 1 - 6 and the 9th. We would need a whole stable of horses' horseshoes up our asses!
What progress has been made? Well, Mike and I both got our HIV tests for the visas. We also got a few other tests so we can hopefully save a bit of money at the medicals in Moscow. Mike was able to get a chest x-ray too so that should help too; maybe with the extra weeks I will be able to get one too.
I will keep schooling and keep crocheting and hope that the next appointment is not too late in May - I just want to meet you Dani!
GAH! More waiting!
ps. The meow mix song does nothing. This glass of wine does though...
Mike spent some time on the phone with the visa centre so we are 100% sure we cannot do anything to rush receiving them before the 24th. TWO DAYS!
It's ok. Breathe. Think of the Counting Crows song that you were crying to in the car on the way home from work today, "Round here she's always on my mind. Round here, hey man, I got lots of time."
CHOC has emailed their reps that this appointment must be changed and the visa situation is completely out of our hands. Of course, I freak out and think this will count against us somehow. I had to email CHOC back and make sure Dania wouldn't be re-proposed to a couple that could make it there sooner. Mike spoke with our rep at CHOC and said she was very empathetic to the situation and new we must be upset that this couldn't work our right now. I was too upset to call and talk!
Better now. Breathing now. Stomach not in knots waiting to see if our visas will make it.
I am pissed because I was going to make up our budget of US cash and Roubles needs tomorrow but now I fully can't because I don't know how many days we will be needing to pay translators, housing, drivers, etc. GAH!
Our hope is that we can keep our medical appointment on the 29th and make that the beginning of the trip. That is a HUGE hope though since Russia goes on vacation May 1 - 6 and the 9th. We would need a whole stable of horses' horseshoes up our asses!
What progress has been made? Well, Mike and I both got our HIV tests for the visas. We also got a few other tests so we can hopefully save a bit of money at the medicals in Moscow. Mike was able to get a chest x-ray too so that should help too; maybe with the extra weeks I will be able to get one too.
I will keep schooling and keep crocheting and hope that the next appointment is not too late in May - I just want to meet you Dani!
GAH! More waiting!
ps. The meow mix song does nothing. This glass of wine does though...
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Getting My Groove Back
I have forced myself to sing and dance around the kitchen everyday. It feels good. I can't believe how I had stopped singing! I had even stopped in the backroom at work... it is so obvious now that I am forcing it. It will become natural soon enough though.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Counciling Homework
I was told to find a project. My first instinct was to find something that had to do with Kid - so I felt progress towards the adoption. I had been shown the adoption maternity photos and enlisted the help of Paul Clarke Photography and created some beautiful images.
Thank you so much Paul.
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.
They have given me something to look at and to focus. I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through. I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy. Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on. I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.
My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me. I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work. I will see how I feel. I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!
I had excitement from a project for the home. I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
It is now done and I feel I did it too fast. sigh.
I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.
The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things. She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough. Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page. She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing. I agree. Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about. I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me. I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak! I wrote about the stupid customers at work. I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently. I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do. Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders. It felt good. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
The councilor also asked me to start singing again. She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped. I don't sing in the shower. I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities. I don't sing along with the radio. She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced. She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.
Well, that's it now. Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do. Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense. It will. That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week. It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.
In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing. LOL!
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.
They have given me something to look at and to focus. I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through. I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy. Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on. I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.
My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me. I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work. I will see how I feel. I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!
I had excitement from a project for the home. I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
It is now done and I feel I did it too fast. sigh.I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.
The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things. She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough. Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page. She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing. I agree. Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about. I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me. I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak! I wrote about the stupid customers at work. I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently. I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do. Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders. It felt good. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
The councilor also asked me to start singing again. She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped. I don't sing in the shower. I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities. I don't sing along with the radio. She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced. She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.
Well, that's it now. Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do. Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense. It will. That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week. It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.
In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing. LOL!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Good Grief...
Seriously - good grief.
I went to a grief councilor today. It was recommended to me. I never thought that all the anger I have is grief but, HELLO!, one of the classic five stages of grief! It was the first of a few, and a major 'get to know you,' sessions. I did get a lot out of it and I look forward to the next one. I feel bad always talking to Mike about things because he doesn't see things the same way or always knows what to say.
I told her about how work is such a trigger for my anger and that I'm not used to it. She said that it's ok and good that I'm letting myself feel that anger by leaving the work floor and either crying or breathing it out by myself for a few minutes. She also said it's good that I have cried.
She said I needed to do more for myself. She said that if I hadn't wanted to "do" Christmas that that was ok and I could have stood my ground because it was what I needed (and now I have residual anger over that whole holiday too!). She told me that I also needed to find something for me because I went from having hope,things to do to feel productive about the adoption, AND my play to having nothing to do -all in one shot. She also told me to continue writing. As previously stated, I was writing in a journal to Kid once he had a name... I stopped after saying that I lost him. She suggested turning it into a journal for me or starting a new one for this in between stage plus the new proposal.
She said I needed a project for Kid too. I spent all this time prepping for Kid and now I have nothing left to do so, make something useful to do! I'm going to go to the fabric store tomorrow and look over patterns and see what's out there. She told me where to look for community art/active classes. I just missed the sign up for the winter session but at least I know where to look later on. She said I also needed to take an hour to myself, at least 3 times a week, in order to FEEL and accept the grief. I can feel angry or cry, or whatever, but I need to do that and then leave it there...
I DO feel a bit better all around though. We did something positive for ourselves in order to re-establish our hope (or maybe, mainly, just mine). I think it worked. I saw the fruits of our results today and I am quite satisfied. I will share it all on here eventually... a bit more time..
In the next week I plan to take those hours, go to the fabric store to explore a new project, and continue to write for me. I was going to by a new journal as my original intent was to leave my writings for Mak if this fell through (I had thought if it fell through it'd be because of my medication and not because his Mom came back)but he won't be coming to Canada and learning English and I'm not paying a translator to make my writings Russian. Ergo, I thought I should continue to write in that beautiful journal (which I had been saving for a special writing occasion) and poor into it all of my ugly thoughts. Then, for future reference and hopefully, all my the ugliness will be sandwiched between the beauty and hope of my want and being a mum.
Good grief!
I went to a grief councilor today. It was recommended to me. I never thought that all the anger I have is grief but, HELLO!, one of the classic five stages of grief! It was the first of a few, and a major 'get to know you,' sessions. I did get a lot out of it and I look forward to the next one. I feel bad always talking to Mike about things because he doesn't see things the same way or always knows what to say.
I told her about how work is such a trigger for my anger and that I'm not used to it. She said that it's ok and good that I'm letting myself feel that anger by leaving the work floor and either crying or breathing it out by myself for a few minutes. She also said it's good that I have cried.
She said I needed to do more for myself. She said that if I hadn't wanted to "do" Christmas that that was ok and I could have stood my ground because it was what I needed (and now I have residual anger over that whole holiday too!). She told me that I also needed to find something for me because I went from having hope,things to do to feel productive about the adoption, AND my play to having nothing to do -all in one shot. She also told me to continue writing. As previously stated, I was writing in a journal to Kid once he had a name... I stopped after saying that I lost him. She suggested turning it into a journal for me or starting a new one for this in between stage plus the new proposal.
She said I needed a project for Kid too. I spent all this time prepping for Kid and now I have nothing left to do so, make something useful to do! I'm going to go to the fabric store tomorrow and look over patterns and see what's out there. She told me where to look for community art/active classes. I just missed the sign up for the winter session but at least I know where to look later on. She said I also needed to take an hour to myself, at least 3 times a week, in order to FEEL and accept the grief. I can feel angry or cry, or whatever, but I need to do that and then leave it there...
I DO feel a bit better all around though. We did something positive for ourselves in order to re-establish our hope (or maybe, mainly, just mine). I think it worked. I saw the fruits of our results today and I am quite satisfied. I will share it all on here eventually... a bit more time..
In the next week I plan to take those hours, go to the fabric store to explore a new project, and continue to write for me. I was going to by a new journal as my original intent was to leave my writings for Mak if this fell through (I had thought if it fell through it'd be because of my medication and not because his Mom came back)but he won't be coming to Canada and learning English and I'm not paying a translator to make my writings Russian. Ergo, I thought I should continue to write in that beautiful journal (which I had been saving for a special writing occasion) and poor into it all of my ugly thoughts. Then, for future reference and hopefully, all my the ugliness will be sandwiched between the beauty and hope of my want and being a mum.
Good grief!
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Deep Breath
Three months ago was when we sent off our dossier to Russia. This was when we first expected to possibly hear something. What a past few months!
Today was the first day I started to feel like "before this bad business." Funnily enough, it was listening to my boss and my British coworker exchange meanings of culturally derived slang. They both were saying the same word but didn't realize it and I had the pleasure of hearing the whole thing. It was just the pronounciation of the a (as in apple vs. all) that was different but my boss thought there was a silent t and she couldn't understand him at all! I was almost doubled over laughing at them trying to say it in the opposing person's familiar manner. All over ONE syllable!
It has also helped talking things out more to Mike and letting him know how ANGRY I have been. This really is the first time in this whole process that I have felt really bitter over some people that have kids when I can't. Angry to the point where I'm biting back comments and shaking at the restraint to not lash out at the person screaming at her kid or putting cola in his bottle.
I also went to see my psychiatrist. I was so afraid to because than the visit is on my medical record and Russia already sees me as 'tainted' somehow because I have depression and mood problems that have been under control for the past 7 years... Trust me, if I was an out of control depressive than I would have lost it by now. She refereed me to some counseling options through Mike's work that I wasn't aware existed. I just need grief counseling essentially. It seems as if the one stage I can't get past is, you guessed it, anger! LOL!
Soon.
I've started a new positive project for this journey and look forward to seeing the results in a few weeks. I will, of course, share them as soon as I have them.
Thanks for listening.
Today was the first day I started to feel like "before this bad business." Funnily enough, it was listening to my boss and my British coworker exchange meanings of culturally derived slang. They both were saying the same word but didn't realize it and I had the pleasure of hearing the whole thing. It was just the pronounciation of the a (as in apple vs. all) that was different but my boss thought there was a silent t and she couldn't understand him at all! I was almost doubled over laughing at them trying to say it in the opposing person's familiar manner. All over ONE syllable!
It has also helped talking things out more to Mike and letting him know how ANGRY I have been. This really is the first time in this whole process that I have felt really bitter over some people that have kids when I can't. Angry to the point where I'm biting back comments and shaking at the restraint to not lash out at the person screaming at her kid or putting cola in his bottle.
I also went to see my psychiatrist. I was so afraid to because than the visit is on my medical record and Russia already sees me as 'tainted' somehow because I have depression and mood problems that have been under control for the past 7 years... Trust me, if I was an out of control depressive than I would have lost it by now. She refereed me to some counseling options through Mike's work that I wasn't aware existed. I just need grief counseling essentially. It seems as if the one stage I can't get past is, you guessed it, anger! LOL!
Soon.
I've started a new positive project for this journey and look forward to seeing the results in a few weeks. I will, of course, share them as soon as I have them.
Thanks for listening.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Makes me Want to Vomit
Well, I've been trying to understand the whole Russian ban on US adoptions. When Russia first declared the ban I had read, in US newspapers online, that it was all in retaliation to a human rights law that says Russians adopted into the US who violate this law are essentially excommunicated even though they are raised, and currently, American. That is what I gathered was the ULTIMATE problem. It may be unrelated. Either way, history has had a few really bad outcomes with US people adopting Russians, and Russia has always been pissed off. Now, USA passes the Magnitsky act that bans particular Russian 'bad guys' (extortionists, spies, etc) from the country. USA passes this law and then Russia announces the adoption ban. These two may be completely separate from each other but they also might be directly related. Again, this is only as I understand it. I heard of the ban on December 28th and I directly went online to look into this matter.
Now Canada is considering passing this Magnitsky act too. What the hell does this mean for us?
I want to vomit thinking that Russia will ban adoptions from Canada too. I also look at the bigger picture and see that we don't have the same human rights laws that essentially say you are only really American if you are born in America...
I am so sick to my stomach. I asked CHOC and they told me that they have no information but hope that this won't affect Canadian adoptions.
I feel utterly defeated. I feel like I will never become a mum. The closest will be me having a photograph in a drawer and me being a babysitter.
Mike is remarkably less shaken. He just says we pick a new country. I can't keep facing rejection over and over. I can't keep spending thousands of dollars getting to this point and having to start over. I don't want to bankrupt us to become a parent - how the heck will I support a child in that instance?
I feel nauseous daily and now I don't expect it to lessen up at all.
Now Canada is considering passing this Magnitsky act too. What the hell does this mean for us?
I want to vomit thinking that Russia will ban adoptions from Canada too. I also look at the bigger picture and see that we don't have the same human rights laws that essentially say you are only really American if you are born in America...
I am so sick to my stomach. I asked CHOC and they told me that they have no information but hope that this won't affect Canadian adoptions.
I feel utterly defeated. I feel like I will never become a mum. The closest will be me having a photograph in a drawer and me being a babysitter.
Mike is remarkably less shaken. He just says we pick a new country. I can't keep facing rejection over and over. I can't keep spending thousands of dollars getting to this point and having to start over. I don't want to bankrupt us to become a parent - how the heck will I support a child in that instance?
I feel nauseous daily and now I don't expect it to lessen up at all.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Here's My Beef:
I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it. I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!
There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried. There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt. There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store. You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.
I do have to apologize to my cousin R. I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected. I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood! For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:
It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years. There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance). Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life). The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought. At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open. It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach. I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?" She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up. I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked. R, I am very sorry. J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys! I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew. I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood. I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!
Home was supposed to be a healing trip. I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need. I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing. I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer. I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).
It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel. I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).
I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too. We almost made it without crying with each other. It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that. Honestly? I don't know. I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph. She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos. I never thought of it that way. I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage. I still don't know what I think of my answer to that. It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.
I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma! I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!
There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried. There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt. There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store. You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.
I do have to apologize to my cousin R. I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected. I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood! For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:
It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years. There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance). Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life). The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought. At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open. It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach. I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?" She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up. I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked. R, I am very sorry. J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys! I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew. I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood. I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!
Home was supposed to be a healing trip. I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need. I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing. I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer. I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).
It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel. I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).
I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too. We almost made it without crying with each other. It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that. Honestly? I don't know. I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph. She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos. I never thought of it that way. I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage. I still don't know what I think of my answer to that. It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.
I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma! I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!
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