Ontario

Holy moly, it's been a while since I posted but we've been super busy.   Mike is in and out to sea and it makes life that bit more difficult.   Dania and I did just go to Ontario and had a wonderful time.  We had a hell of a ride there though.  Delayed 5 hours so that we landed after 10 pm when we were supposed to land at 5.  I had planned it so she would hopefully nap on the plane and then be in a good mood when we got to Gramma's house.  Nope!  She didn't get to bed (without nap) until what would have been 1:30 am AST.  We both crashed hard that first night.

She played in the snow with Aunt Kitty, went to the butterfly conservatory, let me catch up with great friends and played with their kids, saw all of her great-grandparents on my side of the family, jumped a lot on a trampoline, and had a 3rd birthday party!  I'm so glad I did do it there because Mike now won't be here on a weekend when I would have a party at home and therefore, I don't want to!   Too much work for just me!  She had a rocking good time at the early birthday party though!  She had tonnes of cousins to run around with, pizza, a Frozen DQ cake, and lots of people fawning all over her.  I loved it too because I got to see so many people and have a huge catch-up/show off period.  Dania sang Happy Birthday to herself with everyone, blew out the candle (twas not possible last year!), and entertained people by singing Let it Go.

She's not going to remember the birthday anyway... but we have lots of people who will!   It was also a party that was a breeding ground for germs.  A whole bunch of us got sick, starting with 1 person vomiting at the end of the night (you know it's a good party when...) and the result has been sick days from work, rescheduled appointments, and me and Dania sitting around like lumps on a log not wanting to move much.  We just eat a lot of oatmeal.   She seems to be getting a bit of her energy back today though.  I am still fatigued and it's in my throat and chest now but it keeps moving around so I'm hoping it will move on soon!  I just realized that this is my first big sickness since she's been with us.  I am now synonymous with the Nyquil/Dayquil commercial parents...  guh.

Good thing she's been singing along to songs a lot more and singing them on her own so that she keeps me entertained!

Emotional One.

I wanted this one to be separate from the previous post because it means a lot to me.

First, and mostly because it won't make me cry as much (...as much!), I have a friend who is moving away; and I mean moving away... like, to another country away, and this is her first time moving out.  That coupled with this time of year - Back to School - always makes me remember when I moved out.  I was insecure, depressed even though I didn't know it then, and very guarded.  I had to tell S that I am looking at her moving from my remembered perspective and from a mum perspective.  Seemingly everything now has me flashing forward to when it could happen to Dania instead of when it happened to me.  I had to tell S that if Dania is similar in the self-assuredness, strength, and character S has (and I don't mean as a knight!), then I honestly don't think I would worry so much about her moving out.  I remember that I found 'me' in university and I was quite self-conscious at the end of high school.  It was with a lot of friends and familial support in second and third year that I figured stuff out.  (This is also not inspired in anyway by the recent news of Robin Williams, either... ya, right).  I worry that Dania will have trouble finding 'her' when she doesn't necessarily have the knowledge of her past that she might want.  Oh, goodness, the worry spiral... I thought it was bad before... now, I'm a Mom.  This is the type of content that was touched on in adoption training but can never be properly addressed because it is so individually tailored.  It was great that they gave the info about finding international adoption-specific psychiatrists.  I feel like that wasn't something that was given out in the past because being adopted and different wasn't addressed as readily as it is now - seriously, who isn't different?  Anyway, I have a few people that I look to and hope that Dania can one day embody some of their greatness.  I look at my cousin and my good friend who each raised 2 girls who are about to hit the decade mark and are wonderful to be around and hope Dania is as well adjusted as these girls.  I hope Dania finds role models in her personal life like I have!  And to my friend about to embark on a new adventure, bravo!  I don't feel a shred of friend worry for you... it's only mom worry hahaha.

The moment in Ontario that took me by complete surprise was with my own mum.  Now, I have mentioned many times and to many people that Dania can throw fits.  I have had one group of friends see an 'almost-there' level of fit (even Mike hasn't seen the worst!) but I had one overheard in Ontario.  I don't know what the trigger was for this and she literally screamed-inhaled-screamed-inhaled on repeat for I don't know how long.  She was exhausted, she was given food, she had bed and stories and Elmo... who knows?  When she finally stopped and fell asleep (a loooooooong time later), I was reading and Mum came in and asked if that was what I meant by a tantrum.  You bet.  She then asked if I was ok.  That was not what I expected.  I don't know why exactly, maybe because no one has really witnessed one of her huge fits and maybe because I feel inadequate, but I felt like I was bound to be told what to do instead of what I had done as opposed to questioned that I was okay.  Ten days later... I'm hugging Mum goodbye and about to get into the car to go to the airport when she tells me I'm a good mum and she doesn't know where I got my patience from.  Woah.  That struck me hard being told by my own mum, who I respect hugely for a gajillion reasons, that I'm a good mum when I don't feel that way in situations like that.  It's true, I don't have a lot of patience usually; I'm quick to jump to worse case scenario and conclude the 'only' way a situation can turn out but when it comes to Dania?  Anything goes.  I don't know what's going on in that head of hers, so I have to just go with my gut and do what I do.  Thanks Mum.  Thanks for the upraising and the complement.

Home, Sweet Home

I only just realized that our recent trip to Ontario had us flying back to Halifax on the exact day, but one year later, that we landed in Halifax with Dania.  I remember bringing her home that night and giving her a bath and putting her to bed and checking on her a few times (before crashing so hard that I didn't hear her cry in the night!).  This time it was Dania who had the wonderful feeling of coming home because she understands what a home is now.  It provides comfort for her!  She even says now, "me, home!" and nods her head enthusiastically.  If I hadn't been so tired at the airport, I probably would have been a bit more nostalgic and emotional!  Ha!

The travelling was fine other than having too much stuff and not enough arms since Dania's aren't going to carry anything!  She was not shy around Aunty Kitty and Grandpa when she saw them right away and even performed all her wacky dance moves for their entertainment.  She went down to sleep okay (I do not think she ever slept really deep because she was always very tuckered out from all the excitement and has been sleeping 12+ hours a night here AND 2+ hour naps in the afternoons).   In the morning, she wasn't shy around Gramma either and made herself right at home.  She even surprised me by walking around the next day asking, "where Meeko?"  She had already adjusted to a different dog and learned to say his name!  We went to the beach with Grampa and visited her Great Grandparents and then headed North to my favourite place - the cottage.

Uncle Fil was an excellent driver and I will never be able to thank him, Kitty, and Mum enough for the constant availability of a car for us (and for the delicious lunches and dinners!  I dreamed about those burritos and will totally make her next grilled cheese like the lumberjack).  We hit the rock in the early evening and she grasped the fact that she needed to wear a life jacket in order to be by the water in a timely manner.  She LOVED the boat ride over to the cottage and throwing rocks into the lake!

But she did not love the water!  I thought for sure she would be fine but I think it was the fact that she couldn't touch or see the bottom that frightened her because she didn't even like it when Katie or I jumped in.  She actually refused to say 'go' for us to run and jump.  She completely tensed up if we put her in unexpectedly and just cried when she was expecting it.  I did make her go in everyday though.  Floated around with her to different things and tried to make it happy but didn't push it for more than 10 minutes each day.  She was quite content to sit in the boat and watch us.  She also gets cold so flipping fast!  I mean, c'mon, her limbs are as thick as bananas!

We did discover the game 'where's Elmo?' at the cottage and we would hide him all over the place and she learned to look up and down and in all kinds of different spots... also to follow some verbal clues if she was struggling.  It was hilarious to watch her and she played it for hours each day and got progressively MORE excited each time she found him.   She slept pretty good up North.  Everyone does though.  It's the air - it makes you sleepy.

After the cottage trip, we just stayed at my childhood home and visited people and places within the city.  I would have loved to venture further to visit more people but I knew that with her it would be harder.  I also didn't want to over 'schedule' us and wear myself out too.  I will never have enough time with 2 weeks to see all the awesome people back home!  We did travel to Mississauga and have a lovely dinner on a yacht - I felt fancy there!  It was pretty and sounded so nice when you were in the downstairs of the yacht (yes, downstairs; there were 3 floors) and the water lapped at the sides making nice ambient noise.  Dania liked this boat too.  I'm pretty sure she wanted to jump off (even though you couldn't see the bottom... I don't think she registered that and just saw the water!).  It was something different and enjoyable and I can't wait to brag to Mike!

We went swimming at the Gretzky Centre with GG Miklos, went to friends' homes and met two gorgeous new little boys and played with their older siblings, impressed people with her gymnastic skills, ate a lot of chicken wings, started saying all kinds of new words (she said 'Howie' after seeing a grey striped cat!  I was so touched that she clearly missed her kitty!), went to the zoo and kissed a lot of animals and reptiles!

Seriously, the woman from Ray's Reptiles wanted to keep Dania as part of the show!

We got lost in Brantford because so many intersections have changed, hesitated to hug people goodbye but never to kiss people goodbye, ate blizzards on Children's Wish day, and discovered the greatest place on Earth:  A splash pad.

Water shooting in my face from a million different angles?  Yes, please!

My favourite part of this trip home was seeing how much she remembered from the last one - which was baffling to me.  She went there 2 months after landing in Canada and wasn't understanding English fully yet, hadn't really laughed until that trip (C and K were the laugh-riot trigger!) but still remembered where the 1 toy at my Nana and Papa's place was or the mini-trampoline and how she used it before she could even jump!

Other fun developments that have happened since this trip include her playing the crowd now (she changes the tone of her voice and everything), SINGING!, and starting to recognize emotions.  Man, she really is adorable...especially when singing... I just have to say...

Now that we are home (which included a crash lawn mow, unpack, laundry, weeding, and grocery shop) she is starting to get into her clingy mode because Daddy isn't here... He called the other night, completely unexpected, and she was so confused because she is so used to Skype that she kept looking for him but couldn't see him and only sat there and said "Ga-Ga" (her Da-Da since she started that before the cleft repair).   It was funny.   He actually called twice and I have to say that I probably sounded like that drunk girl at a party because I was so rapid-fire full of stories of all she has done and interspersed with sappy "I love you's" that I'm sure I could have been an SNL character.

Now that we are back though, I have checked the status of her citizenship package and am happy to say that it is being processed (now, that could mean processed and then sent back because of an error or processed because it is good) so, it is at least there in the correct facility.   I have also called the ophthalmologist since it has been over 3 months since we were referred to the Kids' Hospital eye doctors... the receptionist told me that her file shows the referral and that this clinic has a habit of only contacting you a month before your appointment.  I figured something had been misplaced because I'm used to having a call with the appointment date being eons away.   So, those are my serious sides of Dania tasks and they have been done.  Now?  Back to chalk drawings of Elmo, great books, and somersaults on the lawn!

Zombie Hands and Mindless Chatter

It was a loooong, long month.

THE FUN:
We met another family in Halifax who adopted from Russia.  Absolutely wonderful to hear their story, see the similarities and differences.  Their little girl, I,  was brought home a month before Dania.  I really liked hearing the difference between staying in small-town Russia (as we did) and a bigger city, like where we drove for court.  So many differences and yet, sooo much the same.  It was too bad Dania cowered in my shoulder in shyness.  Big phase right now!  Although, she did exclaim the next youngest's name over and over because it was the same as her BFF: E's.  That was funny to me, but she would bury her face in me as soon as she said it and pointed.  Neighbours are laughing because last year she would dash across the lawn to be lifted up by them and now she won't pass their driveway if they are standing in it!  It makes me feel good that I know she feels safe with me and knows who our close friends are.  Although, I have this underlying feeling nagging at me that she will be a pushover and not assertive in social situations.  Hell, she's 2!  I know she will go through a gajillion phases!

Mum came to visit too.  What a cute visit for Dania with her Gramma.  She recognized her (slowly) thanks to Skype and was looking for her the morning after she left.  I loved watching mum warm Dania's hands and tell her that she used to warm mine the same way - I have also been warming Dania's the same way too.  *tear*  It was short and sweet but I love when anyone can see Dania as Dania and not a short excerpt.

Spring is here (I hope it stays) and we are outside more.  She is running around the big circuit in the neighbourhood (as long as no one is in their driveway) and completely halts to point at and follow every single car that passes us.  She has been enthralled with the kids on bikes and scooters and met a few other little kids that I didn't even know lived here!  Okay, so I met them and she hid behind my leg until she said she wanted to eat and walked away...

THE BAD:
Holy illness, Batman!  She had a diaper rash that we were treating with Penaten until it started to get pebbly and then I thought it was a yeast infection spreading.  It didn't get better when treated with antifungal or antibiotic cream.  She also had what I thought was a staph infection on her nose (I had one there in grade 3 and remember it vividly) and was treating it with antibiotic ointment.  BUT! when she woke up with sores around her mouth and on her hands I knew something was going on.  I was told by a friend that hand, foot, mouth was going around the city so, I read up on that and her symptoms matched... except the sore throat.  I didn't know if she wasn't eating because of feeling ill or sore throat.  Either way, I knew we had to hit up a doctor that morning.  We did and I said how I first thought it was staph on her nose and yeast on her diaper area and now I think it's something else... He took one look at her face and said staph infection for sure.  He wrote a prescription.  He asked to see her diaper area.  Now, as of that morning, it had totally migrated away from any area that lead me to think yeast or diaper rash... it was now all around the outside of the diaper and the onesie and diaper leg holes kept rubbing the sores.  He said it was definitely the same staph infection there because it wasn't on her privates but on the outer edges.  Sheesh.  I felt awful.  She wasn't sleeping and it had to be because she was uncomfortable every time she shifted.  Ugh.  I'm so sorry Dania!!!  So, 10 days of oral antibiotics and 15 days of topical antibiotics was what we went home with.
     The next morning she looked worse.  It was spreading on her face and her hands were covered in blisters.  I said they were zombie hands.  My sister said they looked like octopus tentacles - which I totally agree with- but we had already taught her to hold her arms out and walk like a zombie... Anyway, I called 811 to talk to the nurses and they said it would be 3 days before we saw any improvement in the actual sores.  Her face cleared up within 24 hours, her bum stopped spreading but scabbed up, her hands looked awful and she is SO a picker like me and keeps pulling the loose skin off and handing it to me... which makes her look more like a zombie.
So, Easter weekend hits and we are to host dinner.  On Good Friday, Mike wakes up feeling crappy.  He has spots on his hands.  Holy zombie jesus!  (please don't take offense, I'm just working the zombie/raised from the dead plus her zombie hands connection - no insult intended!)  I tell him to call 811 immediately and find out whether we need to get him to a doctor or if we can treat at home knowing what Dania has and if we should cancel dinner plans because of contagiousness.  Well, he is suspected of hand, foot, mouth according to the nurse.  He goes to a walk-in that thankfully said they could fit him in on the holiday (yeah! no ER!) and the doc confirms the hand, foot, mouth diagnosis and the only thing he can do is ride it out.  His mouth and throat became SO sore-filled and bad that he could hardly swallow.  We had to cancel all of our dinner plans... and I was already exposed so there was nothing I could do but I was probably okay if I hadn't been exhibiting symptoms.  I went to the movies everyday and spent a lot of time in the basement.  Man, oh, man!

All is good now.  Hahahaha.  Dania looks as if she has scar tissue where all of her sores and blisters had been but I know it won't in time because the ones on her face didn't scar and her diaper area is clearing nicely.  It is smooth skin on her diaper-leg line but pink like a peeled sunburn.  Her hands are still slightly zombie-like hahaha.  She still pulls skin off and the healing pink spots are there but she can bend at her knuckles without the fluid-filled blisters being on the joints to hurt her.

Man, I felt so bad.  I felt like I should have known sooner that it was something else.  I felt like I should have gone with my gut that it was staph and gone to see a doc before the weekend.  Sigh.

Oh, well.  She is that little bit tougher because of it.  She also chats up a storm now.  I laugh so hard at her talking because it just sounds like, 'ga la, na, la, ga, la, laaaaa.  Maa, NAAAA,' over and over again in her postsurgery adorably high-pitched voice.  I think she was actually talking to the dog ont he walk today and telling her to hurry up and run with her.  It is a hoot and she put on a show for Aunt Kitty yesterday so someone else has witnessed this hilarity too!

Ok, that is all now that the storm has passed...well, this storm.  We just found out Mike is being posted to a ship (by just, I mean, 2 weeks before he goes back to work and a year ahead of planned schedule since he was told last year he wasn't getting on a ship) and will be sailing for weeks at a time.  I fear for Dania because she doesn't get a big transition from both of us 24/7 to no Daddy at all... I fear for me because I seriously don't know how I can do this without him coming home in the evening so I can do my transcription and the cleaning.  I am having full-on panic attacks because I had become okay with staying home with her - but she was a year older and a year more adjusted and able to tell me what was wrong or what she wanted.  Now?  she throws herself on the floor and hits her head as hard as she can... eek.  I know I won't be able to keep my job at Shoppers Drug Mart while he is at sea and that makes me sad.  I didn't want to be in management there again, but I enjoyed what I did there now.  We are also on too-short of notice to find day care and also couldn't afford it...if we had known this was happening we would have saved for it.  Man, oh man.  So much in such a short (feels like a forever-lengthed) month.

On a completely different note, anyone who has read Divergent will enjoy that movie - I loved it - and Oculus was actually freaky.  I am a huge scary movie snob and this one still has me hesitating in mirrors (but I always found mirrors a source of scary! lol).  It didn't over-show the ghost/monster and had a story and suspense and the ending did not suck!  YEAH!  LOL

Until next time...

Ontario Trip

We were a little apprehensive about the plane ride since the last one was such a trial... but she was perfect!  What a peach that charmed everyone and now waves 'hi' and 'bye' almost all of the time (we practiced with people coming on and off the plane.  When we landed in Ontario she was clingy towards me... she had never been like that.  I think she was nervous about the change in environment and wanted to make sure I was not going anywhere - melt my heart!  She is completely attached to us and that is the evidence right there.  By the next morning, though, I think she had remembered Aunt Kitty and Uncle Fil (they were the most recent visitors), it took her a bit longer with gramma and grampa.  Just like we did when she first came here, we took it easy with introduction and tried not to do more than one face a day.  There were two parties though, and at those she was a complete charmer again. 

The first party was my cousin J's wedding.  She was quiet at first and then discovered the wall of mirrors!  She walked around with my cousin C's kids and they watched over her and Dania was great.  She didn't get a full length nap that afternoon so she was a little cranky at the restaurant after the ceremony but, all in all, the day was a success!  And she looked darn cute too!

We went to the aquarium in Toronto too.  AMAZING!  It opened the day we arrived in Ontario so it was still VERY new and just a stellar place to visit!  She loved it too.  She likes water so we had a feeling she would the view.  She liked when the sharks swam over top of her.  She was a little hesitant about the glass floors, clearly they were confusing her because they were see through but she wasn't falling in... It was enjoyable for us to watch her mind work.

On this trip she developed so many new habits.  She now goes crazy before bed every night.  It was a once in a while event before, but now she loooves to make herself dizzy and run around from person to person.  She also is more melodic with her talking.  She still isn't saying words but she sounds more like she is having a conversation for sure!  She also is a lot more approachable to people.  She always was easy going with new faces, thanks to the orphanage, but she is a lot more immediately interactive.  She still initial breaks the ice by pointing out her eye, but a visit with O and M had her nodding and waiting for them to mimic her.  She nods, shrugs, tilts her head in a creepy-twins-from-The-Shining manner, head rolls, and will all out laugh now!  She has somersaulted on her own, likes to be startled, and play peek-a-boo!

Dania met and had dinner with her 4 great-grandparents that live in Brantford.  Papa Jim was waiting when the elevator doors opened and yelled down the hall to Nana, "told you I was going to meet her first!"  It was wonderful.  He also declared he was going to hold her first and kind of sent Nana to get her something so he could sit in the chair with Dania!  At her other great-grandparents' it was cute to see Dania sit in the same little rocking chair that I remember sitting in when I was little, as did my mum and gramma!  Perfect! 

To end the whole visit with a bang we had a meet and greet planned and the entire world came to visit!  She looked amazing again... in a unicorn dress, no less!  I loved unicorns as a kid so I HAD to buy this dress when I saw it!

  

Even with 55 people in the room, Dania was not shy!  She actually reached from person to person and went looking for the food she liked best (pretzels) and would let herself be picked up to converse with all of the strangers.  I keep saying it, but it means the world to me how many friends and family came to see Dania and the generosity from everyone!  It was an amazing evening and hear and see Dania giggle and laugh so much now made all the pre-trip apprehensions worth it!  

 

We are back to reality now and will be starting with the doctors again on Monday!  Phew!  What an adventure.  And the plane ride back?  It was great.  She was the best behaved kid on the plane, so much so that she actually started mimicking one other girl who was crying - it sounded like she was making fun of her!  Eeesh.  Had to try and stop that!  She didn't get to nap and was cranky and out of sorts when she went down to bed but she was just fine after a good sleep-in!

I have also just noticed that a lot of her 3-6  month clothes don't fit now!  Yeah!!!!  She's growing!  I love this kid!  She makes me laugh soooo much!

 

Busy Week for Dania

This week started with a visit from the social worker.  She was a total doll for D!  She came in the morning and stayed for almost 2 hours.  She probably didn't need to stay that long but she was obviously happy for us and I was excited for D to meet Dania.  She actually said that she could sit there all morning and just watch me and Dania play because we there was such positive and happy energy from us all! 

She took notes and asked a lot of the standard questions about what the leave situation is like, how much is our monthly income, what's our schedule like.  Then she kept asking about Dania and, well, I just couldn't stop talking!  She asked about her likes and dislikes, habits, how she has changed, what medical plans we have, how she reacts to people and surroundings and the animals.  It felt great to keep relaying how awesome this kid is!  Really!  It may all hit the fan when she decides to rebel because "you're not my real mom" but for the time being, this kid is wonderful!

The next day we had an ophthalmologist appointment.  This older gentleman took one quick peak in her eyes with the lighted scope and said, "yes, she is near-sighted."  I asked how he could tell and he replied, "you see that plaque in the hall that says I've been doing this for 36 years?  That's how."  Oh my!  How we all laughed!  I liked him instantly.  He also kept proclaiming how cute Dania is.  He held a few items in his hand at different distances and then tried to get her to look at a lighted cartoon dog across the room and she definitely didn't focus on it.  He wants us to come back on Nov. 4th and do a more extensive test with the dilating drops just to make sure there isn't anything more going on.  I think she will be so adorable with glasses and was a little disappointed that we didn't get to try glasses on right away!

Thursday we had the pediatrician visit.  This lady said she used to see all of the international orphans at one time because GPs tend to be weary about drawing some conclusions for these children and would feel more comfortable with an expert.  She told us this after she asked us what concerns we had and I said I didn't have any!  She also said that she is the pediatrician at the IWK (children's hospital) in the Ear, Nose, Throat clinic and was shocked we had not been contacted by them for an appointment yet.  She said that a cleft like hers would normally be treated after two years old (one year if she was born here) because the tissue heals better when it is older.  She asked us to call her on Wednesday and she will check on Thursday about Dania's appointment.  Jackpot!  Dr. S said she was going to keep Dania's file open but that she did not have any concerns.  Dania was extremely well-behaved, even gave a fecal sample almost on cue.  She wanted us to come back at 2 years just so she can keep tracking her measurements.  Dania has gained a pound since the GP visit (18.5 by official scales) and she is proportionate.  There was one oddity, her head circumference went down from 1 year to now... Dr. S seems to think this is not accurate but we will double check progress at her 2 year appointment.  The female growth spectrum chart had Dania in the bottom for everything so she will probably always be petite, but, again, no concerns.  She even settled my concern that Dania wasn't drinking enough milk (she totally is) and Mike's concern that she doesn't eat enough (again, she totally is). 

Then she had Thanksgiving dinner with all of Mike's side of the family!  Uncle Jon is the favourite because he can lift her the highest!  She loves being able to touch the ceiling.  She also was given cheesecake again and went nuts.  She was spinning around and being a super zombie.  It was so funny!  She wore a cute dress and was pretty well behaved.  Starting getting a little cranky at the end of the night but that was expected.  If she has a frisbee that she can push around on the ground or bang on hard floors she is a happy camper.  She liked the turkey too - and cranberry sauch!

As for my personal observations from the week, she is starting to make different sounds, finally.  She actually was trying to mimic 'hello' while we were playing peed-a-boo.  She kind of sounded like a dove, it was so cute.  She is also indicating specific pictures in books or more specific items (and less of just the general direction of 'over-there') and making a sound after as if she is saying what it is.  She can indicate toes and knees, and tries shoulders but she cannot touch them without my help; she touches her armpits LOL.  She is trying hard to jump and has gotten off the ground a few times - this stems from her want to dance and not the fact that she knows what jumping is.  She sings aloud whenever I play Sarah Slean - it is instant.  Most other musicians she will start by swaying and then, maybe, make a little coo here or there.  She must love Sarah Slean as inherently as I do!  She also lights up as soon as she hears the Muppet Show theme song! 

We travel this week.  I'm a little nervous about the plane because it could bring back memories and feelings from the looooong flight from Moscow.  Although, if she is similar to how she was on the flight from Ufa to Moscow we will be fine!  I know my family has gotten everything she could possibly need for when we visit so that is a huge relief and I feel lucky, again, to have such great family!  I also went shopping with a friend, M, and he picked out the dress that Dania will wear for my cousin's wedding!  She will be adorable!

She is almost always adorable!

Here is my favourite pic of the week:

-Still waiting for the permanent resident card.
-Printed the photos for our post placement report that we have to mail tomorrow.  We also have to get the money order for that.  D will mail her report directly from her social work business.
-Booked an appointment with speech pathologist next month.
-Need to phone Dr. S. to investigate Dania's ENT appointment.

Here we come Ontario!
xoxo

Needles, and Grampa, and English, oh my!

What a week!  We had our first major flashback or horror (at least, I think it was!).  We went to the doctor on Monday to get our referrals for the pediatrician; ear, nose, and throat specialist; and ophthalmologist.  She also was given her 18-month needles.  She did not like that.  She was as could be expected in the office and then off for the rest of the day.  That night she would not sleep.  She woke up screaming and would not stop.  I picked her up and she couldn't even look at me and just kept screaming and thrashing her head and hands around.  I had to hold her close to me and I rocked in the chair and sang for a loooong time.  Nothing seemed to be working.  I really think the needles brought back memories from her medical exams in Russia.  It was so not her normal crying.  Eventually, I had to put her back in the crib because she was getting so hot and sweaty.  I rubbed her hair and kept singing and she kept screaming.  Then, she turned her head and looked at me, actually looked at me, and poked her fist up at me for a fist bump.  There was my girl!  She was still upset but calmed down after that!  Phew!

My dad came to visit on a whim too!  That was great for me to watch him watch her.  He looks at her like she is a scientist.  She is very inquisitive and observational and takes it all in and then does it!  I felt bad he had to see her out-of-sorts because of the needles, but she was her giggly self once her legs didn't hurt her anymore!  Dad now knows the train songs and her circuit of the main floor here.  He saw her in the tub, pretty much swimming, and we pushed her up and down the driveway in her car (a purple Flintstone-style car that her legs are too short to work).  Dad got to see her learning her new game.  3-2-1-Kaboom!  All I do is count down from 3, say kaboom and she squeels and falls on her butt.  Over and over again.  It made me realize she is recognizing my words better.

We started to teach her some body part words.  Hair, nose, eye, teeth, neck, ear.  She knows these ones.  She also "says" (more like hummmms) them with the same inflection that I do.  She is so freaking smart!  Everything we were told by our Russian training said she shouldn't have lost her Russian yet but she is already recognizing and trying to speak the English!  She listens (sometimes) when we say 'no,' like, when she unrolled the toilet paper; she hasn't tried again.

Speaking of being told by the Russians, guidelines and rules have changed yet again!  We now have to submit a 3 month post-placement report before the formerly initial 6 month one.  I shake my head but we will do it because we have to.  It just means paying for an extra set of document translation and certifications, postage, and the social worker visit.  If this money actually went to Russia I would say it was a cash-grab, but it does not.  

Lighter notes:  Other things I've noticed this week are, she still likes her moon.  She says 'ha-ka' for anything she wants.  She is faster coming down the stairs.  Her hair has gotten darker and curlier.  She is getting bolder with the dog and approaches both pets a lot more.  She enjoys laying in the tub water now; relaxing with her ears under the surface.  She is bigger but she looks a lot bigger because we were handed-down a bunch of clothes that don't fall off her shoulders or need to be pinned.  She is getting quicker at talking to new people.  She can work her talking Russian dog by herself - and has totally worn out the mechanism inside as it now plays 1 and a half phrases out of the 6 or 7 it initially spoke!  She can walk 3/4 of the way around the block.  She motions to be picked up in the kitchen so she can 'ha-ka' the arrowroots we keep on the counter... clever girl.

                                              Jeans that fit and a sticker from the doctor.

I will Keep Blogging...

...just not as frequently!  I promise though!  I like doing this for me too, it gives me a chance to regroup thoughts and vent any bureaucratic frustrations I may be having, although, hopefully, those should be few and far between now!

On Tuesday, I emailed CHOC digital copies of all of our documentation and that 'closed' our file - other than the post placement reports that will come over the next 3 years.  I also emailed them to our provincial government and the international adoption lady said she would love to speak with me and hear my story.  I also told her we would love to be part of any panels and be references for anyone that is working with Russia.

Speaking of reference, someone found the blog because of searching for the specific orphanage.  It fills me with joy to think I could help future people looking to travel to this region!  yeah!

We also took Dania to my family doctor this week.  She needed to be assessed and have the required testing done here in order to be referred to the oral surgeon, a pediatrician, and an ophthalmologist.  My GP was quite impressed with the medical history we were able to provide - all of her tests, vaccinations, dates of treatments, supplements or medications she has been given.  It took me several hours to translate that myself... I had written it all down but I thought it would look better if it was formatted to match the Russian document that was notarized.  He loved her and thought she was doing quite well!  We then went to get her chest x-ray and blood work and she was really good during all of that too!  She, or course, cried at the needle but she calmed down as soon as it was done and we started moving around.  I think she was more annoyed that she couldn't move her arms as opposed to in pain from the needle.  She likes to touch things!

She also had an out of sorts day on Tuesday, but I think that was because my mum had left the eve before so it was a change in her routine.  She was used to seeing Gramma when she ate and played and all of a sudden she was gone.  She was better the next day.  Let me tell you, this transition to Canada could not have been done without my mum!  Not only did she become a laundry machine, but Mike and I were both sick after we landed and all three of us were messed up with the time changes!  She was wonderful!  If I had given birth I would have wanted her here so I couldn't imagine having it any other way when I got to bring Dania home!

Things are becoming routine-ish for us.  I say ish because nothing is ever set in stone with kids.  Mike and I each have our own outside-of-the-house activity, dodgeball for Mike and the pantomime for me, and we are working really well together.  She is beginning to display frustration when we limit her actions or say 'no' to going somewhere or touching something she shouldn't.  Perfect!  We first had to teach her that she could try to do things on her own and go places on her own, so she has learned that, now she has to learn boundaries!  She IS a fast learner.  Clever girl...

singing 'la la la' in the mirror

the had I crocheted for her.

enjoying some 18 month birthday cake!

  I don't plan to celebrate all of her monthly birthdays, but we didn't get to do her first with her so forgive us for letting her eat the chocolate cake! hahaha!

7 Nights and 7 Days

Well, it has been a whole week since landing in Canada.  What a flipping great week!

After getting over the sickness, we have a rough routine that we follow.  I say rough because she still will need more sleep sometimes.  Her train is her favourite toy and she plays with that nonstop.  She likes to 'dance' to the music it plays.  She also has been meeting new people, experiences, food each day and taking it all in good stride.  She has only one 'big' new event each day, or every other day, and she has been enjoying it.  Sometimes, she takes it all quietly and just watches, but other times she will just walk right up to the person and babble. 

After visiting our neighbours' kiddy pool I realized she must miss little kids.  She crawled right over to J, our neighbours' little guy, and started interacting.  She also watched our other friends' little guy when he came over and rode her train all over the place.  The next day she started getting on it on her own and can almost maneuver it around - her legs are just a tiny bit too short.  She does seem to be overwhelmed a little when parting from the kids, but she is such a remarkable kid that she continues to impress me with her resilience and acceptance. 

She keeps trying new food and simply spits out what she doesn't like or what she cannot chew properly.  She likes steak, oatmeal, yogurt, and soups.  She does try to eat a lot with her hands now, which is so great, but she also needs to learn to put her cup down after she drinks instead of pitching it over the side! hahaha!

I crocheted her a little hat that is similar to the ones she wore in the baby home, and it's so cute.  That's my one self-promote thing this entry! 

I made her a photo-book about her journey to us. Only her part as opposed to the many years before her.  This will go in a box I am compiling of her experience.  A memory box to show we appreciate her beginnings to us.  I will also put copies of what is not 'confidential' documentation.  We had to copy all of the documents we brought home, the certificates, the court decree, the application for adoption...everything, and will send it to CHOC next week to close our file!!!  CLOSED!  Other than post-placement reports (at 6 months, 1 year, 2 and 3 years), we do not have to deal with the agency anymore.  That seems crazy!

We also applied for her provincial health care card.  We can do that because we have declared her a permanent resident as of right now.  She will receive her permanent resident card in a few weeks and we will be able to apply for the actual card as opposed to just the number and papers that we have now.  When we receive that card I will also start the next steps in the immigration process.  I am going to call them (now that I have a file number and can get through!) to clarify if I need to resend the forms we already filled out because we didn't have any specific information for her at that time and she was just Child Miklos Bathurst.  I hope not because it's just more chances for it to be mailed back for silly reasons like no signature from my 18-month-old. 

18 months old!  Tomorrow!  That's how old she is!  WOW!  She has probably had more firsts in the last week than she has had in her previous 17 months!  We love her.

She has had one freakout, but we bathed her early and got that calmed down.  Otherwise, a normal day has her waking up and breakfasting, then playing for about 3 hours before a nap.  She will then wake up and have lunch and play.  She might have an afternoon nap but she usually sups around 5:30 and then bathes around 6:30 and to bed around 7:30.  Oh, there was the one night when neither Mike or I heard her cries!  Mum stood in our bedroom door and asked us if we were going to get up or if we were just playing a game with each other to see who would get up first... we didn't hear her either.  We both felt bad when we learned about that!  Hasn't happened since, thank goodness!  That was also the only time she woke up for real during the night.  Thanks Mum!

Her baths are the best!  She throws herself backwards (the first two days had her hitting her head on the tub bottom but she didn't care!) and then rolls over and sits up with water dripping all over her face and she LOVES it!  She does this over and over and it is hilarious!  I will get it on video soon.  We also took her to the lake today and she liked that!  I could tell she was a bit colder but she definitely liked it!  She was squealing and she was trying to walk instead of throwing herself backwards.  I am so glad she liked it because I love swimming and we have that perfect lake right close by!

That smile, when I first walk in in the morning, sets my mood for the day and it is fantastic!

For Impatient Sisters...

I only have one!!!  She says I need to stop loafing around and blog already!

Laziness or jet lag... you tell HER after reading this.

I am still tired. guh.  But oh, so, happy.  I KNOW this was the right decision because to me it feels like she has been here always.  I emphasize the knowing because I started to question this decision after the court hearing.  Not because it was now final, but because the prosecutor asked if we would regret this decision because we were so young and could feel in five years that this high needs child would be a mistake.  I had no doubts going into it but you can bet your sweet bottoms that I started to at that point.

Then, at the airport in Toronto, Dad says to me that he could tell I was a great mom for her already.  Done with the questioning.  After day one and how well she has fit here, done with the worrying (well, the worries about this being the right decision...)!  It seriously feels to me that she has been here for her whole life so far.  Other than her not understanding us and us not knowing so many little things about her likes and dislikes, because they are already established, we have slipped back into Canada with no hiccups. 

We woke up around 5 am yesterday morning (Moscow time), traveled to the airport, went through passport control with no problems, and got on the plane.  I never again want to do that long plane ride with a child who is so unfamiliar with change.  She was so overstimulated and cranky and seriously did not sleep longer than 1 hour and 15 minutes, not in one stint, and I just felt so bad for how cranky and exhausted and upset she was getting on the plane.  Her cries were easy to muffle so I didn't give a care about the surrounding people, and she's not large enough to hit the seat in front so that wasn't an issue either.  We were all tired when we landed in Toronto.

I started crying as soon as the wheels hit the runway upon landing.  I didn't expect too... thought I was too tired.  But I looked at Dania and said 'you are home'.  I looked at Mike and we were both grinning.  Customs was a breeze, the immigration officer we had was so nice and excited for us, it was just a smooth procedure. 

I was then excited to see the family!  Yeah!  Mum was there first and then Dad, and then my sister and cousin.  It was great.  Dania was tired but she was so watchful.  As soon as we sat down she was all cute and flirty and kissing people and fist bumping and being her great self.

The same could have been said for Halifax if it hadn't been 7 hours later and she was Extremely exhausted.  She did give them a few fist bumps and smiles, but she hit the car seat and fell asleep within ten minutes.  She woke up and was excited to see the bathtub, and then was out like a light as soon as she was lowered into the crib.  She didn't even move and she is normally traveling all over the crib while she sleeps!  She slept 8 hours still and didn't have a massive freakout when she woke in a different place... it must feel right to her too.

She has spent the day puttering around here, meeting a few new faces, but mostly finding her places in the house and still being her cute self, of course.  She definitely knows Mike and me and smiles huge when she sees one of us.  I love that.  She also is really comfortable and relaxed being put into all these new rooms and fixtures around the house.  It will be fun to find out what food she likes (steak, we found out tonight) and to get her routine here now that she can have more room to run around and a yard to play in!  And friends that don't spend every minute of the day with you! LOL!

Other than the crying baby on the plane (mine, if there was any misunderstanding about how upset she was) the whole trip went smoother than any other.  In 6 - 8 weeks her permanent resident card will be here and we can start her official immigration process!

 

her one 45 minute long stretch of sleep on the plane

 her performing for everyone at the toronto airport

 

her asleep at the end of her 22 hour long day!

Paka Paka

That is goodbye in Russian.  We said that to a lot of people today.  The nice ladies who fed and sheltered us, the driver, the staff, and the city of Sterlitimak!  It was actually quite a quick process.  We showed up at 4, sat and waited a bit, then brought in her clothing to a small room and they brought her to us.  We changed her, said goodbye and left!  Wow!  No tears there.  She didn't even seem to mind the reverse goodbye!

She was good in the car form the most part.  First big poop we had to do an emergency roadside change! Lol!  Later on,in Moscow, Mike will change his first poopy diaper!!!  At the airport in Ufa, we fed her some porridge and gave her her first cookie, an arrowroot-ish kind, which she adored!  Eyes lit right up!  Then plane was OK too.  She was definitely getting super tired but overstimulated and couldn't sleep!  She was 3 hours past bedtime when we landed.  Four and a half hours by the time she went down.  Which she just did.  I just put my daughter to bed for the first time.  I loved it.  She is clearly not used to being held or rocked before bed.  I held her a bit and rubbed her back then put her in the crib in our apartment here.  One little whimper and she was down for the count.  I hope we all sleep tonight! Lol!

I will keep things updated for sure this week, will probably be pretty relaxed though.  Going to let her sleep and eat when she wants and not cut her off.  Will have to try to find an adapter for an three prong cord for my computer..duh...brought it for the sole purpose of doing schoolwork while she napped this week and probably won't be able to! Lol!

The apartment is nice. Fully functional and in a great location.  Close to where we were last time so we have an idea of how to get to what we need.  For now, what we need is to put our suitcases away, go to sleep, and do laundry in the morning!  How mundane and how delightful to be doing it as a three person family!!!

I Know THE Best People

I will never be able to express the relief and gratitude I felt when I came home and saw this:

and some friends hiding amidst the bounty of love from a whole lot of amazing people.

Now, I have to admit that we did know something was going on because in the Moscow airport we read a comment someone had made on a photo and then saw 5 other photos of cute t-shirts.  I realized that people were helping us out and I turned to Mike with tears in my eyes and then he started crying.  We had just had a horrible few hours struggling to get through to the travel agent and the apartment rental place.  I was feeling overwhelmed and a little defeated.  Seeing the picture of the I Love my Mommy shirt and other cute clothes made me calm down and feel better.

You all will never be able to understand how much this means to me.  I have 8 more days here and they are going to be a lot less stressful than I imagined.  I have gone through everything and it is all wonderful and perfect. 

The trip is now over and it won't be long until the third trip is upon me and then HOME!

First Family Photo

Our first official family photograph.

we look a little happy, eh?

July 24th will be family day for sure.  It technically isn't offical until the 6th of August, but this is the day we were congratulated by the judge!

She weighs 15-ish pounds.  Her dress said size 1... I don't know how their sizing compairs to ours though.  18-24 months would work.  She is tiny weight but she is tall.  Size 3 diaper still (again, size 3 here, 15 pounds).

It was wonderful hugging and kissing her this afternoon!  

Yeah yeah yeah!

Sweet! Day 5

We got her!

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!  I held true to my word that I wasn't very nervous (the prosecutor had a pair of big ol' sunglasses in her hair! LOL!) and the judge was Bashkir (which is the same ethnicity as Dania) and I wore my red shoes that I haven't worn since our wedding (and that day was awesome so it had to be lucky today too!)  I didn't cry until it was all over when the judge looked at me and said she was glad we were keeping her name because in Bashkir it means, "sweet."

She is sweet.
She is ours.
I'm a mom!

I'm crying hahahaha.

The courtroom itself was more of a conference room and it was just constant listening to the people talking and the translator beside me.  Up and down whenever we spoke or answered questions.  They seemed more concerned about her health than anything and just wanted to ensure that we would be there and able to provide what she needs to thrive and become independent.  The depression did come up, but I wasn't worried.  I kind of had the feeling this was good since we were told we could take her in ten days.  I figured the judge had already gone through our case enough with our lawyer and representative on the day they decided that and today was just a matter of the judicial motions.

YEAH!

We go to see our daughter(heehee) this afternoon and then once more tomorrow before we leave.  The flights will probably be booked in the next 24 hours.  The Ontario couple has a travel agent connection who is Russian so she has found us the best deal and we are now just hammering out the dates for certainty.  Most likely:  We will depart Canada on August 4th and arrive the night of the 5th.  The 6th is when all is official and we can pick up the documents.  Then they will apply for the passports and those will get picked up on the 8th.  On the 9th we go to Moscow.  We have the weekend to be a family in the hotel.  Monday the 12th we go to get her visa and register her as a Russian citizen living abroad.  We wait 4 days for the visa to be made.  Spend one more day in Moscow and leave on the 16th for HOME!

So, we have 9 days to do everything we need to do once home in Canada, and this includes a wedding, getting foreign money, getting her clothes and toiletry needs, and having good friends visit for the week to help me pass the time!  Holy smokes!

Thank you all sooooo much for the support and the following... this won't stop any time soon.  My journey to becoming a mom has hit the home stretch, but Dania's journey with us is just starting!!!
xoxo

Movement.

Holy Moly!  The first month after our visit flew by!  The last two weeks?  CRAWLED like a dehydrated snail!

I had emailed CHOC a few times and asked if there was a standard notice time, ie. if our appointment was July 20, would we hear 2 weeks before?  3 weeks? 

There is no standard.  Blah.

I had a little cry on a cousin's virtual shoulder yesterday.  I miss her more than I let on.  I'm sad because I'm forget the way she feels and sounds and smells.  I want to bink my nose on hers to make her giggle.  I want to be her mother, dangit!

That aside, today we received an email from CHOC saying that the embassy has received a letter confirming Dania is eligible for immigration!  Yeah!  This letter, unbeknownst to us, had to be processed in London, England and then sent back.  So, four different recipients along the way, in 4 different time zones, makes for a long transaction.  This letter states that there is nothing medically that should exclude Dania from immigrating.  With that, and the Letter of No Objection from Canada, we should be good to get our date soon!  I didn't even know we had to have this other document.  It makes sense (now) that they wouldn't schedule a custody hearing for a child if they are unaware if she is allowed to immigrate!  She is!  Yeah!  So, we signed the document and just posted it so CHOC will receive it on Tuesday and then they can send it off right away.

The downside to today's email... I have been SO organized and on top of the dates of our documents and what needs to be done and payments and everything!  I blew it!  HUGE!  $6000 huge!  To go into financial detail of this process (just for the fees, mind you) the agency fee is $6500.  That pays for the people at CHOC, their time, their building, their knowledge and their trust.  There were a few fees on top of that for individual documents, etc.  The Russian fee is $18,000 USD.  First, we sent the agency their fee when we started the process and sent them our full application.  Our second lump of $6000 was made when we sent our completed home study, and therefore our approval from Canada, to CHOC for them to translate and send to Russia (hence the Russian fees).  The next chunk of $6000 was upon acceptance of a proposal, so, this was done up in November with the first proposal, and then sat in the bank until we were ready to actually go over.  We handed that to the Rep in Ufa, for her to pay Russia.  Now, in my own pitiful defence, Mike was in the same frame of mind as me.  We've paid 18000... not remembering that the first lump was for just the agency... GAH!  I feel awful that I let that get overlooked.  Our guardian angel helped again, big time.  The cheque has been written, and by Tuesday the funds will be there.  I feel like the asking for the final chunk of fees means that Russian wheels are turning... this will be lawyer fees, court fees, translator fees, the social worker who observes us for a day, etc, etc, etc... always more etc...

Big breath.

It's in the mail, it's being handled, it's never going to feel like we can thank the people who have helped us out enough!  The extra support is unbelievable and so, so appreciated.  As I said in a previous post, I imagine sending thank you cards from her when this is all said and done... and that scares me to think that because she's still not ours until 30 days AFTER court. HOPEFULLY!

Day 2 of Round 2

This time feels different.  Maybe it's because we already have done this once.  Maybe it's because we want it that much more.  Maybe it's because it's spring(ish) so we are a little lighter at heart anyway.  Maybe it's because the first time obviously wasn't right.

I don't know why but she feels different.  I swear to gods that when I first received Mak's pic I immediately looked for signs of FAS. I was happy and surprised and all of the good feelings, but I even mentioned that it took a few days for him to feel like ours.  It took three days before I could picture him living with us.  If I'm completely honest, I was upset about how long it took to sink in.  I'd been expecting it so why wasn't it nothing but joy?  Maybe because life is never ONLY joy... Unlike receiving Mak's photo and proposal, when she told me girl my heart clicked (probably because we went into this whole parenting gig wanting a girl - it really doesn't matter but we had both been more familiar with baby girls).  I was then told about the cleft pallet and the near-sightedness.  As soon as that photo came through on my email my 'world' clicked.  I didn't even look for the hint of the cleft pallet or for signs of FAS; I looked at those eyes and cheeks and cried.

I don't want to sound like I'm setting myself up for a bigger hurt since I want this more.  I'm just being honest here.  Maybe it's because she's looking into the camera and 'at me.'  Maybe it's because I REALLY wanted to add fairies and mermaids to the nursery and to buy ruby slippers for fancy occasions.  Maybe it's because this time really DOES feel different.  I mean, of course it's going to feel different, but it's not producing the hesitation and fear I expected.  I am the worrier and always have been.  But this feels different.

I have even worried less about the Russian part.  I don't care what the doctors say about me when I'm there.  I'm not concerned about where we stay.  The first time I felt like I wasn't getting enough support from CHOC but this time I'm thinking that I'm going to make my itinerary and then TELL CHOC when we need rides and from where.  We will make the appointments and stay with the proper host family, but I'm not going to ask as many questions as opposed to stating what we need.

I also want to add a few coincidences.  I found the fun coincidences with Mak too, but people who believe in fate will always look for those 'meant-to-be' circumstances.

My "niece," S, drew me a photo two Christmases ago.  The caption that explained what the drawing was said: This is a picture of your little girl.  She is happy.  Thank you for my pickle.  This is officially the first prediction! LOL!
My friend H, she was in the play with me and saw me when I brought the news of Mak, said to me that night that she "didn't know" about him; that she saw us with a girl.  She has been right about all the pregnancies she's predicted to me...

The only other circumstance I can explain is that we had a girl name picked out.  One that took A LOT of debating.  We had chosen Clara in honour of Canadian olympian Clara Hughes and of the lead role in the Nutcracker (Russian Ballet shout out!).  Last month, my 'brother' here had the chance to see Clara speak.  I flipped when I saw this!  I started banging the table and yelling in my protest and jealousy.  Then he had the nerve to say, "who is that?"  (When I relayed this comment to my sister she subsequently responded with 'kick him out of Canada').  I broke our vow of silence about the names.  To me and Mike, it's a jinx to say what we want to name Kid until Kid is actually ours.  I told P that Clara Hughes is SUCH a big deal that we were naming a possible daughter after her!  Well, as soon as I said it I felt like the name was now used.  Although, the dream of the girl who liked math and video games was named Clara.  Anywho, one of the other names we had discussed was Daenerys.  She is a character from Game of Thrones and I adore her!  We loved the thought of the nicknames Dany, or even Khaleesi.  Well... Dania... ya...

Ok.  The other big difference I have to state is my lack of hesitation to share.  We knew about Mak for a few days before we made it public.  I (even before I told Mike since he was MIA for 4 hours!) waited about 30 minutes before telling people and calling long distance!  I had such great support when the first one fell through that I wanted to share it ALL this time.

I also want to give a great shout out to cousin C who had NO idea what was going on since her iPhone doesn't accept the photos I messaged her!  That was one of the best reactions!

Thanks to all who have phoned or messaged their well-wishes.  This time is different.  This time the good thoughts are fueling it from the very beginning.  This time, if it falls through, we will all keep up the hope and remember that '3rd time's the charm!'

xoxo

ps.  Visa applications are short of 4 Mike signatures before they are ready to go!

pps.  here is our other photo of her!

Expired.

Our visas expired today.  Unfortunately, they were unused, a waste of money, and didn't result in any family-building progress.  Let's just pretend we bought 93 packages of 2-day sale diapers from work and call it even.

We've got some Small Shoes to Fill.

It's been 21 weeks since we sent our folder over.  I originally thought at least 30 so we are still in the normal range of waiting.  We were told 6-12 months.  It is just a bit more maddening since we already had one offer.

I hope.  I still hope. 

Sadly, I will be missing my friends wedding, in Cuba, next month.  I will miss my cousin's wedding, in North Carolina, in June.  I will be missing my friend D's and Mike's friend J's weddings - both this summer outside of province.  I feel so sad that we have this state of limbo that is resulting in us missing so many wonderful weddings.  I just hope these people understand how sad this makes us and if it was anything but waiting for this we would be there - with dancing shoes on!  This is another form of loss I had never thought about before embarking on this journey.

We actually had to talk about when to stop waiting.  That was hard but I feel it was necessary.  I don't want to wake up one day a decade from now and feel like we missed all of these wonderful things for naught.  The same way I decided it wasn't happening naturally, we settled on a "it's not going to happen this way either" date.

That's a long ways away though.

Because I hope.

Unconditional Comfort

So, after having a 'down' day I call my mum.  I always want to talk to her when I have worries or sadness.  She makes it go away.

I want that kind of relationship with someone younger.  I want to be looked to for unconditional comfort.

Mum had a bad day too.  She told me I made her feel better.  That felt good to return the favour. 

Here's My Beef:

I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it.  I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!

There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried.  There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt.  There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store.  You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.

I do have to apologize to my cousin R.  I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected.  I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood!  For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:

It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years.  There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance).  Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life).  The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought.  At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like.  I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open.  It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach.  I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?"  She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up.  I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked.  R, I am very sorry.  J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys!  I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew.  I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood.  I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!

Home was supposed to be a healing trip.  I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need.  I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing.  I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer.  I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).

It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel.  I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).

I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too.  We almost made it without crying with each other.  It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that.  Honestly?  I don't know.  I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph.  She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos.  I never thought of it that way.  I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage.  I still don't know what I think of my answer to that.  It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.

I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma!  I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!

Heartbreak

I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it.  It is such a different kind of loss.  We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting.  It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around.  We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers.  Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.

My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer.  Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.

Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through.  I cried a lot - all over Mike.  I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me.  I know he is hurting too.  He has lost the same.

I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in.  I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home.  When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful.  They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice.  They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night.  They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves.  As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.

I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone.  I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that.  Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything.  The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again.  I love you all and feel for you too.  I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time.