I have forced myself to sing and dance around the kitchen everyday. It feels good. I can't believe how I had stopped singing! I had even stopped in the backroom at work... it is so obvious now that I am forcing it. It will become natural soon enough though.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Jessa 3.0
30th birthday today.
It's just a number... but I find myself sad. I think it's because I truly expected to be a mother by this age. Especially because I met Mike at 23 and KNEW with all my heart that this was a man I wanted to marry and have kids with him. It didn't turn out that way... it's ok, I'm just bummed.
We are also looking at a later timeline for our name getting to Russia. Mike had his appointment with the base doctors and they ticked off 'yes' under mental disease on our additional forms. The form I previously mentioned that if a 'yes' appears it won't even be a considered application... shit. I got quite upset that day. Mike is supposed to be the easy one for that form! He is, of course, appealing to the doctors and telling them why we need it to say 'no.' His appointment is at the end of August - the time when I wanted our whole dossier being sent to Russia. Sigh. At least CHOC is doing their job by ensuring we aren't going to pay to apply just to be denied. God, I hope this works out.
I had some follow up appointments with some specialists in regards to trying to find out why I can't conceive. Still no answers but I officially had the funniest/strangest comment said to my by a doctor. The doc who did my cervical biopsy last year had me in to double check there were no changes. It was quick and easy but as she was leaving, with one breath, she says, "well, you have a great cervix and a great purse. Bye!"
Who says that in the same sentence?!?!
So, I can at least take heart knowing that if Russia doesn't like my head problems I have a great cervix and purse.
It's just a number... but I find myself sad. I think it's because I truly expected to be a mother by this age. Especially because I met Mike at 23 and KNEW with all my heart that this was a man I wanted to marry and have kids with him. It didn't turn out that way... it's ok, I'm just bummed.
We are also looking at a later timeline for our name getting to Russia. Mike had his appointment with the base doctors and they ticked off 'yes' under mental disease on our additional forms. The form I previously mentioned that if a 'yes' appears it won't even be a considered application... shit. I got quite upset that day. Mike is supposed to be the easy one for that form! He is, of course, appealing to the doctors and telling them why we need it to say 'no.' His appointment is at the end of August - the time when I wanted our whole dossier being sent to Russia. Sigh. At least CHOC is doing their job by ensuring we aren't going to pay to apply just to be denied. God, I hope this works out.
I had some follow up appointments with some specialists in regards to trying to find out why I can't conceive. Still no answers but I officially had the funniest/strangest comment said to my by a doctor. The doc who did my cervical biopsy last year had me in to double check there were no changes. It was quick and easy but as she was leaving, with one breath, she says, "well, you have a great cervix and a great purse. Bye!"
Who says that in the same sentence?!?!
So, I can at least take heart knowing that if Russia doesn't like my head problems I have a great cervix and purse.
Monday, November 7, 2011
The New Beginning
I'm starting this blog on the request of my cousin. It had never crossed my mind but the jouney I'm about to embark on will prove to be interesting, difficult at times, and so rewarding in the end that others may benefit from knowing the process... so why not?
After trying to get pregnant for almost two years, and being deemed inexplainably infertile, we have decided to pursue adoption. We looked into IVF as that was the last option the doctors could offer me. I was the one who decided 'no.' I know my husband wanted to try but I also know my own sanity wouldn't survive the process. I have battled depression for years and failure is my biggest trigger. I know that after putting a fertilized embryo inside me (what we've been trying for for so long!) that if it didn't take I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a hard enough time being told I was infertile... I don't want to be that low ever again.
We began to pursue adoption through our provincial government for domestic and international adoption but the wait lists are huge and the wait times are even more huge. Plus! You can only apply to one country at a time and they can't give me any information as to the stats on certain countries or which have a faster adoption rate, etc. I was very upset by this hiccup and woke up one day last week deciding that I wouldn't accept more delays or excuses. If there was a way to get my kid I was going to do it!
We started by emailing a bunch of private adoption agencies in Ontario, as there are none in NS. I now want to know why there aren't any and how one would get started, but that's a side project to fill in my wait time! Two companies emailed back saying they would work with us from our location! Finally! A BIG FAT YES!
I feel like I'm announcing I'm pregnant! I will be adopting a child from Russia through Caring Homes for Orphan Children (CHOC). www.chocadoption.com Our government has worked with them before and says they have a good working relationship (another good turn!). I also have loved how quickly they have responded to any questions and how helpful they are. Yes this will be an expensive venture but it is very importnat to both of us to start our family. I have agreed to delay anymore schooling and use funds for this instead, and I have had a wonderful offer of help from a marvelous person. We will make this happen... well, it IS happening!
As soon as we got the yes from CHOC I filled out the registration form, contacted our Department of Community Services to let them know of our pending venture, phoned a private social worker to set up and begin our home study, photographed all the rooms in our house and compiled a smattering of photos of Mike and me for CHOC to send to Russia, gathered photocopies of important documents and we will be getting our criminal record checks tonight. All of this will be forwarded to CHOC and then we just keep preparing and complete the homestudy. I will have more information about this when I talk to the social worker some more.
There is a huge list of steps and documents needed and I will do my best to keep up with all of them so all of you can know what's happening. It seems like multiple steps are done in one short spurt of time and then we wait for some sort of approval from someone (it could be NS, CHOC, or Russia) and that's when we would start the next spurt of steps.
It is very exciting and I'm pleased to announce that we have requested a child aged 4 or younger with no preference of gender and we are not opposed to siblings. To put all this in a nutshell: I'm going to be a mum! It may take me as long as it takes an elephant (hence the background) but I know it will happen!
After trying to get pregnant for almost two years, and being deemed inexplainably infertile, we have decided to pursue adoption. We looked into IVF as that was the last option the doctors could offer me. I was the one who decided 'no.' I know my husband wanted to try but I also know my own sanity wouldn't survive the process. I have battled depression for years and failure is my biggest trigger. I know that after putting a fertilized embryo inside me (what we've been trying for for so long!) that if it didn't take I wouldn't be able to handle it. I had a hard enough time being told I was infertile... I don't want to be that low ever again.
We began to pursue adoption through our provincial government for domestic and international adoption but the wait lists are huge and the wait times are even more huge. Plus! You can only apply to one country at a time and they can't give me any information as to the stats on certain countries or which have a faster adoption rate, etc. I was very upset by this hiccup and woke up one day last week deciding that I wouldn't accept more delays or excuses. If there was a way to get my kid I was going to do it!
We started by emailing a bunch of private adoption agencies in Ontario, as there are none in NS. I now want to know why there aren't any and how one would get started, but that's a side project to fill in my wait time! Two companies emailed back saying they would work with us from our location! Finally! A BIG FAT YES!
I feel like I'm announcing I'm pregnant! I will be adopting a child from Russia through Caring Homes for Orphan Children (CHOC). www.chocadoption.com Our government has worked with them before and says they have a good working relationship (another good turn!). I also have loved how quickly they have responded to any questions and how helpful they are. Yes this will be an expensive venture but it is very importnat to both of us to start our family. I have agreed to delay anymore schooling and use funds for this instead, and I have had a wonderful offer of help from a marvelous person. We will make this happen... well, it IS happening!
As soon as we got the yes from CHOC I filled out the registration form, contacted our Department of Community Services to let them know of our pending venture, phoned a private social worker to set up and begin our home study, photographed all the rooms in our house and compiled a smattering of photos of Mike and me for CHOC to send to Russia, gathered photocopies of important documents and we will be getting our criminal record checks tonight. All of this will be forwarded to CHOC and then we just keep preparing and complete the homestudy. I will have more information about this when I talk to the social worker some more.
There is a huge list of steps and documents needed and I will do my best to keep up with all of them so all of you can know what's happening. It seems like multiple steps are done in one short spurt of time and then we wait for some sort of approval from someone (it could be NS, CHOC, or Russia) and that's when we would start the next spurt of steps.
It is very exciting and I'm pleased to announce that we have requested a child aged 4 or younger with no preference of gender and we are not opposed to siblings. To put all this in a nutshell: I'm going to be a mum! It may take me as long as it takes an elephant (hence the background) but I know it will happen!
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