Another Anniversary!

One year ago today, Mike and I were granted custody of Dania and we were taking this photograph as our first official family photo:

Now, one year later:

she still has about the same amount of hair.

Wow.   I often get asked if I can remember life before her... yes, I can.  It was just so much quieter and different and not as much love and worry busting out of me 24/7.   I can remember life without her... just don't necessarily want to go back to that life!  I also get asked a lot if we are going for number 2 now... well, I always  said that if we adopted again I would want Dania to be old enough to weigh in on the matter.  She might be more bothered over the fact that she was adopted than we could realize (this doesn't mean she doesn't see us as her parents, it just means she has internalized that she began by not being wanted by someone) and if going through the process would bother her then I don't think I could do it.  If by some miracle I got pregnant, then that's another story.  But in all honesty?  I am so happy with just one to love and cherish with every morsel of my soul.   I do hope that "Russia" will open it's mind and allow adoption to Canada again for the sake of all those little ones out there.  I still think of Mak in the baby home and I have so many other faces that I saw everyday while there too!  My beautiful girl is here though.  Her citizenship is almost ready to be sent (by the end of next week is my goal).  

We did the photo shoot with Blue Vine photography and wonderful Jenine in order to celebrate this remarkable milestone.  I thought it was more for me to send to my family back home but when I saw the last photograph she took of me and Dania I started to cry.  And I cried every time I thought about it for the next few days.  A loving confidant asked me why I cried... I had to think about it and I realized it was because I still fear that she can be taken from me for political reasons.  We struggled to get her and there was so much angst over the court day and so much precaution over dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's that I think I still felt like it wasn't permanent.  This is a different feeling from the irrational fear that she will stop breathing at night since she sleeps with a blanket over her face (she's kind of like the bird in a cage that way, just have to move her and put the blanket back and she will settle) or that she will run into the street when I'm not looking for a second... it's so much scarier than that.  It's so hard to put into proper words for me to convey to everyone else.  It's just that I didn't realize it was there before, this deep-seated fear that since she is still not a Canadian citizen (hence my meltdown when I couldn't find her PR card!) that she is susceptible somehow - and I didn't really realize it until I saw that picture.  Then it hit me when Jenine showed me (crying again right now) that this photo completely represented my reality.  It was her and me and no one else around to intrude.  We were in the middle of a field wearing coronas of sunlight and that is it.  We are not inhibited by being out in the open and we are enjoying each other.  That's it.  Simplicity at its best.  And it's my simplicity now.  

For as long as I live, I may not have a photo that means as much to me as this one.  Mama loves you Dania!

Zombie Hands and Mindless Chatter

It was a loooong, long month.

THE FUN:
We met another family in Halifax who adopted from Russia.  Absolutely wonderful to hear their story, see the similarities and differences.  Their little girl, I,  was brought home a month before Dania.  I really liked hearing the difference between staying in small-town Russia (as we did) and a bigger city, like where we drove for court.  So many differences and yet, sooo much the same.  It was too bad Dania cowered in my shoulder in shyness.  Big phase right now!  Although, she did exclaim the next youngest's name over and over because it was the same as her BFF: E's.  That was funny to me, but she would bury her face in me as soon as she said it and pointed.  Neighbours are laughing because last year she would dash across the lawn to be lifted up by them and now she won't pass their driveway if they are standing in it!  It makes me feel good that I know she feels safe with me and knows who our close friends are.  Although, I have this underlying feeling nagging at me that she will be a pushover and not assertive in social situations.  Hell, she's 2!  I know she will go through a gajillion phases!

Mum came to visit too.  What a cute visit for Dania with her Gramma.  She recognized her (slowly) thanks to Skype and was looking for her the morning after she left.  I loved watching mum warm Dania's hands and tell her that she used to warm mine the same way - I have also been warming Dania's the same way too.  *tear*  It was short and sweet but I love when anyone can see Dania as Dania and not a short excerpt.

Spring is here (I hope it stays) and we are outside more.  She is running around the big circuit in the neighbourhood (as long as no one is in their driveway) and completely halts to point at and follow every single car that passes us.  She has been enthralled with the kids on bikes and scooters and met a few other little kids that I didn't even know lived here!  Okay, so I met them and she hid behind my leg until she said she wanted to eat and walked away...

THE BAD:
Holy illness, Batman!  She had a diaper rash that we were treating with Penaten until it started to get pebbly and then I thought it was a yeast infection spreading.  It didn't get better when treated with antifungal or antibiotic cream.  She also had what I thought was a staph infection on her nose (I had one there in grade 3 and remember it vividly) and was treating it with antibiotic ointment.  BUT! when she woke up with sores around her mouth and on her hands I knew something was going on.  I was told by a friend that hand, foot, mouth was going around the city so, I read up on that and her symptoms matched... except the sore throat.  I didn't know if she wasn't eating because of feeling ill or sore throat.  Either way, I knew we had to hit up a doctor that morning.  We did and I said how I first thought it was staph on her nose and yeast on her diaper area and now I think it's something else... He took one look at her face and said staph infection for sure.  He wrote a prescription.  He asked to see her diaper area.  Now, as of that morning, it had totally migrated away from any area that lead me to think yeast or diaper rash... it was now all around the outside of the diaper and the onesie and diaper leg holes kept rubbing the sores.  He said it was definitely the same staph infection there because it wasn't on her privates but on the outer edges.  Sheesh.  I felt awful.  She wasn't sleeping and it had to be because she was uncomfortable every time she shifted.  Ugh.  I'm so sorry Dania!!!  So, 10 days of oral antibiotics and 15 days of topical antibiotics was what we went home with.
     The next morning she looked worse.  It was spreading on her face and her hands were covered in blisters.  I said they were zombie hands.  My sister said they looked like octopus tentacles - which I totally agree with- but we had already taught her to hold her arms out and walk like a zombie... Anyway, I called 811 to talk to the nurses and they said it would be 3 days before we saw any improvement in the actual sores.  Her face cleared up within 24 hours, her bum stopped spreading but scabbed up, her hands looked awful and she is SO a picker like me and keeps pulling the loose skin off and handing it to me... which makes her look more like a zombie.
So, Easter weekend hits and we are to host dinner.  On Good Friday, Mike wakes up feeling crappy.  He has spots on his hands.  Holy zombie jesus!  (please don't take offense, I'm just working the zombie/raised from the dead plus her zombie hands connection - no insult intended!)  I tell him to call 811 immediately and find out whether we need to get him to a doctor or if we can treat at home knowing what Dania has and if we should cancel dinner plans because of contagiousness.  Well, he is suspected of hand, foot, mouth according to the nurse.  He goes to a walk-in that thankfully said they could fit him in on the holiday (yeah! no ER!) and the doc confirms the hand, foot, mouth diagnosis and the only thing he can do is ride it out.  His mouth and throat became SO sore-filled and bad that he could hardly swallow.  We had to cancel all of our dinner plans... and I was already exposed so there was nothing I could do but I was probably okay if I hadn't been exhibiting symptoms.  I went to the movies everyday and spent a lot of time in the basement.  Man, oh, man!

All is good now.  Hahahaha.  Dania looks as if she has scar tissue where all of her sores and blisters had been but I know it won't in time because the ones on her face didn't scar and her diaper area is clearing nicely.  It is smooth skin on her diaper-leg line but pink like a peeled sunburn.  Her hands are still slightly zombie-like hahaha.  She still pulls skin off and the healing pink spots are there but she can bend at her knuckles without the fluid-filled blisters being on the joints to hurt her.

Man, I felt so bad.  I felt like I should have known sooner that it was something else.  I felt like I should have gone with my gut that it was staph and gone to see a doc before the weekend.  Sigh.

Oh, well.  She is that little bit tougher because of it.  She also chats up a storm now.  I laugh so hard at her talking because it just sounds like, 'ga la, na, la, ga, la, laaaaa.  Maa, NAAAA,' over and over again in her postsurgery adorably high-pitched voice.  I think she was actually talking to the dog ont he walk today and telling her to hurry up and run with her.  It is a hoot and she put on a show for Aunt Kitty yesterday so someone else has witnessed this hilarity too!

Ok, that is all now that the storm has passed...well, this storm.  We just found out Mike is being posted to a ship (by just, I mean, 2 weeks before he goes back to work and a year ahead of planned schedule since he was told last year he wasn't getting on a ship) and will be sailing for weeks at a time.  I fear for Dania because she doesn't get a big transition from both of us 24/7 to no Daddy at all... I fear for me because I seriously don't know how I can do this without him coming home in the evening so I can do my transcription and the cleaning.  I am having full-on panic attacks because I had become okay with staying home with her - but she was a year older and a year more adjusted and able to tell me what was wrong or what she wanted.  Now?  she throws herself on the floor and hits her head as hard as she can... eek.  I know I won't be able to keep my job at Shoppers Drug Mart while he is at sea and that makes me sad.  I didn't want to be in management there again, but I enjoyed what I did there now.  We are also on too-short of notice to find day care and also couldn't afford it...if we had known this was happening we would have saved for it.  Man, oh man.  So much in such a short (feels like a forever-lengthed) month.

On a completely different note, anyone who has read Divergent will enjoy that movie - I loved it - and Oculus was actually freaky.  I am a huge scary movie snob and this one still has me hesitating in mirrors (but I always found mirrors a source of scary! lol).  It didn't over-show the ghost/monster and had a story and suspense and the ending did not suck!  YEAH!  LOL

Until next time...

Busy, Busy, Busy

I cannot even imagine doing all I am doing and still having to do all that shopping... thanks again!

We keep receiving wonderfully kind words and help and we are so lucky! 

To just give a quick low-down on the new stress we were slapped with, the embassy diplomats went on strike in a lot of the major cities, including Moscow.  I had an email from the lady at CHOC who I keep dealing with (and it was a tad rude, but we won't get into that now since it is being dealt with) that basically said we have to check to see if we are going to experience delays because of this.  Eff that!  Isn't that part of what we are paying her for?  Contact with the reps over in Moscow who would have a better ability to find out this info?!?!  Either way, S has the email of the contact in Moscow from their previous adoption so he emailed her.  It shouldn't be a problem, still 4 business days for the visa, because of the situation.  Thank goodness for his contact with O in Moscow! 

Also, the apartment rental people are beginning to get on our nerves too (when I say our, I mean all 4 of us) with a few little things.  As S said, "there's always a little excitement, isn't there?"

I have ordered the money, washed all of her and our clothes, started the pile of what we need to take, scanned our travel documents again for registration, put new items 'away' so that we can get rid of all the garbage and packaging before she is in the house, rescheduled all appointments, gave my friends a tour of Halifax, and continually email S in Richmond Hill about everything, and dealt with the stupid responses from the two parties I mentioned earlier. 

My list is about half done, which is good because it's halfway through the time we had! 4 more sleeps!!!

Day 3 and Mind Blown

Just got back from our evening visit which was much more active than the morning one...

We just kind of hid on a swing and pretended she was awake and let her nap.  She obviously needed it if she did that 20minutes into our visit!

This evening though, we did laps of the building and sang and danced.  She now mimicks our clapping and feet stomping.  As soon as she is in our arms she is reaching for our mouths so we can make noise and pat her hand on it so it "warbles."  You know what I mean, right?  I can't explain it properly.

Now for the mind blow!  This would definitely NOT have happened if the couple from Ontario hadn't been with us.  They adopted a few years ago befor the wait times changed.  The judge has agreed that if we are awarded custody we can take her after only 10 days!  HOLY TIME DIFFERENCE, BATMAN!  This means, if we are granted custody and no one appeals she is officially ours on August 6th and we are to take her to Moscow from the baby home August 9th, and then we will be back in Canada by, probably, the 16th.  Then they went to the passport officials and negotieated getting the passports made in 1 or 2 days!  We were instantly overjoyed and then looked at each other with panic in our eyes.  How the heck are we going get all we need and flights and hotel in Moscow with only 11 days and one pay in between!?!?!  Then we look at her - it will happen.  Just look at that face:

...how can we NOT make it happen?  My "due" date just was shortened by 4 weeks!  The reps and lawyer seem confident that this will all work out.  I'm a little nervous, except I don't feel it at all with her - but, heck, I'm a mom, I worry!

It's time to make lists of things to get.  Good 14 hour layover activity hahaha!

This shorter wait time also is better for her remembering us!  She is always reaching up to be held so I'm hoping the 11 days we won't see her will be short enough that she will reach for us when we see her in August!  If not, she will at least remember a lot quicker than she did after 2 months.  I love her!

And I love watching her and Mike together!

Ok, we go over the hearing procedures tomorrow and then it's court the next day.  Let's tackle that now.

And Then She Was There...

...and nothing else mattered.

REWIND 48 HOURS

After hanging up with my sister just before boarding the plane, I was thinking about how she said Mum said I seemed too calm.  I was an internal wreck... just had to maintain sanity so they would let me out of the country and into two others!  Seriously, it has been such a roller coaster that I feel exhasted.  I was excited to leave.  I was beyond ecstatic to see Dania again. I was nervous about connections.  I cried myself to sleep the night before because I was so happy to be going finally!

In JFK I started crying because I was thinking about the future and how to announce it was 'official' once the appeal period was over.  It makes me so happy to think I could do that one day next month!  Then, on the plain to Moscow (which was delayed and making me nervous because our connection was going to be quite close) the fear took over.  What if this was court didn't go well?  What if someone from her family appealed the custody?  What if this was the last trip we would ever make to see her?  I cannot begin to explain the gut-wrenching, heart-draining sorrow at the thought of saying good bye to her for the last time EVER on Thursday.  It is so unknown that I couldn't stop dwelling on it and I cried for a good three hours straight on the plane.  Oh, dear.  I didn't sleep hardly, I felt like vomiting almost constantly, I had just unearthed this all-consuming fear and it was awful.

We landed in Moscow and made the connection with only a little time to spare.  We made up an hour in the air, thankfully.  We landed in Ufa and as soon as I saw our driver, A, waiting for us I began to smile.  As I stepped out into the Ufa air I started crying again because it felt like returning to a place as familiar and comfortable as home.  I pretended to sleep from the airport to Sterlitimak, but I was really watching the countryside through my sunglasses while silently weeping from expectation.

I did sleep - from sheer exhaustion - but when I woke up the butterflies were back and so were the tears in the car on the way to the orphanage.  There was no one in the office to answer our doorbell rings and just knowing she was in the building and we were unknown and outside made my heart hurt.  Shortly, someone answered.  I didn't recognize her and didn't understand her.  The doctor came out and recognized us and directed us upstairs and we realized this is the moment we were waiting for.

And then she was there and nothing else mattered.

Damn, I'm crying now too!  But because I can't stop smiling and I'm so happy I can share this finally!

She was clearly overwhelmed once in my arms.  She wasn't as stressed as last time but the change in routine had upset her and the crocodile tears started.  We knew we would have to take it slow and hope that she would eventually remember us.  We set her down with some toys and the lack of head rubbing was glaringly apparent.  She was obviously more comfortable.  When she was on the ground, and a little more distanced, she stopped the tears and began to play hesitantly.  I sang the whole time and within the hour she was smiling at us, handing us toys, inviting us to play with her, crawling a little, reaching out to be held, and just being wonderful.  Sigh.  I love her so much.

She looks a little more solid.  She isn't walking on her own but can hold just one hand and walk with much steadier legs.  Her hair is a bit longer, fuller, lighter, and she looks a tiny bit tanned.

She was definitely way more relaxed on this first day than she was by the end of day 2 last trip.  She was cooing very quietly and clearly enjoying the one-on-one time.  She spent a looooong time staring at my teeth! LOL!  I think she remembers those more than anything else ha ha ha!

So, now it is lunch break (and probably nap time for both of us).  I didn't take a lot of photos because we didn't want to overwhelm her, but I HAD to, of course.  For your viewing pleasure...

The big tears and small bit of fear.

Then the smile we know and love was being flashed at us very soon... and I know mine is probably just as big!

Totally Selfish!

I just spent a few wonderful days back home with the family.  I had a cousin getting married down south and was unable to afford to attend so my father offered to fly me out to keep him and his parents company.  Unfortunately, the grandparents were unable to attend due to insurance difficulties, so we all celebrated simultaneously with the southern bunch!  Congratulations A & C!!!

Home has left me feeling soulfully elated.  It was so weird for me to keep hearing how great of a thing I'm doing.  I never know what to say when something like that is said to me.  I mean, for example, my dad was speechless.  Anyone who knows my father will know that that is a huge thing.  He is always of an opinion.  He couldn't form words to tell me what he wanted to say.  He also said he was on the phone with his sister and she was the same way.

Honestly, this is not about saving a child.  I'm doing this for purely selfish reasons.  I'm doing this because I want to be a mum and I don't want to go through IVF.  To me, this is my only option.  It's all about the feeling I get thinking about holding her and playing with her.  Totally selfish!

I'm also beginning to get more frightened by the fact that I feel like she is ours already.  I hope that I don't jinx myself.  I want her so bad!  I'm making plans, I'm writing thank you cards from her, I'm visiting people.  That scares me so much because she isn't yet even mine!  I guess this scariness has been counteracted with the good feelings from the folks and the grandfolks because right now I just feel good.

I found the orphanage on Google Earth.  I will post satellite pictures but I must do a few adjustments to keep the anonymity since it doesn't really have an address.  It is hidden amidst some apartments and not visible from the street.

We also have our last training session tomorrow night!

Passport Photo

I received an email from our translator today.  The team is in Sterlitamak with the couple from Richmond Hill.  They took Dania's passport photo today.  The translator took a photo of it and sent it to us!

I miss her.

It's been one week and one day since we returned.

I've had a few long conversations with my mum, sister, and a few friends here, but I've been rather reserved with my excitement.  I do most of my big emotional blubbering while alone.  One cousin called me on it today, and I have to admit that it is because I am still guarded about her being mine.  She isn't yet and I don't want to jinx it!  I keep it all in but then I randomly explode at random people and have to tell them everything!  I did this with the receptionist at the vet, the hair dresser, and a random store clerk.  I pull out the photos, can't stop talking, and usually start crying.  As soon as I leave I feel guilty because I just got all excited and she isn't even mine.  All of these people have asked to meet her when she is here... what if it doesn't happen?  I also have so much excitement and eagerness drummed up amidst my family and friends... what if I disappoint them too?  I know I shouldn't worry, but how can I not?!?!

GAH!

Back to the photo... sweetest passport photo ever...

Day 5 Moscow

The clinic visits were successful... phew!  The hospital felt like a fancy bank as it was all marble and crown molding, really swanky and non-sterile feeling.  Our translator was great and very assuring for both of us.  We saw 7 different specialists, one doctor counted for two signatures, and got our chests x-rayed.  It took about 4 hours.

After, we celebrated.  We walked the Arbat pedestrian street, which is a touristy area close to our apartment, and just checked it all out.  We ate at the Moscow Hard Rock Cafe and relaxed.  After dinner we went to one of the pubs across from our apartment and stayed on the patio into the night.  It felt good to sit and talk about so much that was non adoption related.

People keep asking me how I can seemingly hold it together.  I did cry once we were all done yesterday, but I can say it is because she isn't mine yet.  I have to be guarded.  Even if I am 99% in love with her I have to have that 1% that I could cling to if it all fell apart.  If I didn't have that small portion of doubt inside me, I would be completely crushed if something went wrong.  Even though it feels wrong to stay guarded, (trust me, I don't feel it when we are with her) I have to be so in order to keep going.  When she is in my arms in the rocking chair in her room, I will let everything wash over me 100%.  so, this is why I am seemingly composed.  Survival.

Gods I miss her already.  I hope she misses us too.

A Mental 180

I really don't know what has changed.  Nothing, as far as I can see, is different.  I picked up my chest x-ray today, so that is ready to go but, somehow, all of the determination I had has been pushed aside and been replaced with this fear, and feeling of dread, that this isn't going to work for us.

Maybe this is a self-protection mode that I have forced myself into... I never really thought it wouldn't work the first time.  Maybe it is intuition of some sort.  Maybe it is completely irrational.  It doesn't matter - it's there.  I sincerely don't think I have ever been so frightened in my life.  And, if this first trip actually happens, this fear will seem like child's play compared to what will be felt before the court date and for the ENTIRE 30 day appeal period.

I'm not afraid of being a mom (please don't confuse this statement with the sentiment that I think I am entirely ready to be a mom - I don't think anyone could be).  I'm not afraid of waiting.  I'm afraid of us getting hurt - worse than the first time.

I still have hope.  It's there deep down.  I still picture her here in our house, backyard, and lives.  I just worry about the flip-side to that hope.  I worry about the stamina and heart to try a third time if this falls through like the first time; especially if we make it to custody and then have someone come out of the woodwork afterwards.

I don't see myself sleeping until autumn.

Video Session #1

Before I dive into the Skype session, I want to mention that I sat and chatted with out social worker today.  It was great to hear her jokingly say, "wipe that smile off your face."  Do you think people can tell I'm excited?

Gut wrenching excited.

Our first video session was initially a justification as to how this course differs from other adoptive training courses.  Good to know that it will be VERY Russian specific as to the laws, process, environment, etc.

We then began to discuss our motivations for becoming an adoptive parent.  She went over many character traits and considerations that an adoptive parent must have, which are, most of the time, above and beyond a biological parent.  She said openness to loving friends as much as family is a sign of a good adoptive parent candidate.  (I think we have that one in the bag considering we consider so many friends a part of our family!)  She also said that adoption needs to be approached with a rational and emotional sense of decision making skills.  She said she could tell from our report answers that Mike was rational and I was emotional and she was glad we were working together!  One of the traits she mentioned was advocacy.  She mentioned how you have to advocate for your adoptive child more than a biological one.  You have to ensure that they are understood, ie explaining behaviour or odd remarks to a teacher.  Most of these traits were discussed in the provincial course but she just put so much more emphasis on adopting the institutionalized child.

She is a child psychologist and has also been helping facilitate adoptions for almost 20 years.  She spoke next about the signs of adjustment disorders and was able to give many personal experiences for examples.  She also enforced the fact that unless many of the signs are present at the same time the child usually will adjust in a reasonable amount of time.  She said trust is the biggest problem because they have no consistency in an institution and therefore can't trust that the person who put them to sleep will be the person to wake them up, etc.  She said showing that consistency of presence at home is so important.  She also mentioned the children could hoard food, regressing in habits (in Russia, it is mandatory for kids to use the potty and feed themselves with a spoon by 12 months!  It's mostly because they don't have time to deal with all of the children over a year old who are completely capable of walking to the potty on their own.), over eating, and resisting rules and love.  Interesting fact about resisting us as new parents: the child is more likely to distance herself from the male while still in the institution, and then the female once they are moved home - but only when the male isn't present.

After discussing the signs and special needs of the children we talked about what a good parent needs to provide; again, things we discussed in our provincial course.

She talked about what questions to ask when we go over there regarding their history.  She spoke about how important it is to ask about the psychological history as well as the medical history.  She also explained how some children are classified as 'foundlings' and do not have a history because when they were found abandoned the police essentially started the history right there.  We will be asking right away if she was a foundling or not.  It is Russian law that once custody is given to us (hopefully) the social services have to have signed consent from the biological parents if they are known.  This is the 30 day appeal period.  Russia wants every chance to keep their citizens in their country.  If her parents are known, I'm hoping they realize we can help her by loving her and repairing her cleft pallet and, even though we take her to Canada, keeping her aware of where she came from.

It was a really enjoyable lecture/discussion.  She told us this next part is all about the law and it is the boring part LOL!  She said we will be quizzed after but there is no passing grade; we simply discuss the answers.  She said she tried to make it as relevant and to-the-point as possible.

I do have to leak one of my fears here, since it is becoming more relevant now.  When we first started there was a lot of talk over my mental health.  We were bounced around by CHOC because they weren't convinced Russia would want to work with us.  The medicals is where we will be 'cross examined' about this, if it is an issue for them.  It simply states I had a major depressive episode 10 years ago and am on medication to stabilize my mood - and this doesn't mean I am sad without the pills... it just means that everything makes me cry!  Happy, sad, surprised, scared... everything is just felt so much more because my middle ground isn't there.  I hope beyond hope that this is not an issue.  The woman tonight also mentioned how Russian doctors like to over diagnose everything.  We will see what happens.  All I can do is show the judge how much she already means to Mike and me and how this 'problem' isn't even a nuisance for either of us.

She talked about being prepared for over there... I do feel prepared - with undertones of being scared!  It is all in a good way though.  The excitement over shines everything else.  As I said, once we ask about her parents (hopefully the first big sigh of our trip) and go through the medicals (second big sigh) the only one left for the second trip is the court hearing (and if we don't get that first big sigh, this turns into a 30-day-on-the-edge-of-my-seat-with-puckered-everything kind of expectation). . 

This Time in a Month...

We will be finishing our last full day in Russia, hopefully!

Today started out with me reading in the waiting room. Clearly I didn't learn the first time and decided to publicly cry by reading about when Nia sees her daughter for the first time.  I get my chest X-ray and proceed to shop for some wedding cards to mail.

I am now standing in Chapters staring at the kids blankets, books, baby shower gifts, etc. with a trembling lower lip and the threat of more tears.  I can't even bring myself to touch all the super soft animals!  I admit to myself I am terrified.

I am so scared that something will go wrong with Dania.  I keep pushing away this cloud of terror but it has overtaken me today.  I want this to work so badly that it makes me want to throw up.  I ache to hold her.  I felt that instant connection to her picture that wasn't there with Mak.  INSTANT!  I am so happy at the thought of her that I want to tell every stranger I see about our upcoming adventure but I am so scared to love her as much as I already do.  That scares me to the core because it is a set up for extreme heart break.

Now I am at home, after driving home through tears and sniffles, and I don't even know what to think.  I want it to be a month from now so the first trip is done.  I want to have a court date with a known end date of thirty days after that!

I want her!

I want to be a mom.

Day 2 of Round 2

This time feels different.  Maybe it's because we already have done this once.  Maybe it's because we want it that much more.  Maybe it's because it's spring(ish) so we are a little lighter at heart anyway.  Maybe it's because the first time obviously wasn't right.

I don't know why but she feels different.  I swear to gods that when I first received Mak's pic I immediately looked for signs of FAS. I was happy and surprised and all of the good feelings, but I even mentioned that it took a few days for him to feel like ours.  It took three days before I could picture him living with us.  If I'm completely honest, I was upset about how long it took to sink in.  I'd been expecting it so why wasn't it nothing but joy?  Maybe because life is never ONLY joy... Unlike receiving Mak's photo and proposal, when she told me girl my heart clicked (probably because we went into this whole parenting gig wanting a girl - it really doesn't matter but we had both been more familiar with baby girls).  I was then told about the cleft pallet and the near-sightedness.  As soon as that photo came through on my email my 'world' clicked.  I didn't even look for the hint of the cleft pallet or for signs of FAS; I looked at those eyes and cheeks and cried.

I don't want to sound like I'm setting myself up for a bigger hurt since I want this more.  I'm just being honest here.  Maybe it's because she's looking into the camera and 'at me.'  Maybe it's because I REALLY wanted to add fairies and mermaids to the nursery and to buy ruby slippers for fancy occasions.  Maybe it's because this time really DOES feel different.  I mean, of course it's going to feel different, but it's not producing the hesitation and fear I expected.  I am the worrier and always have been.  But this feels different.

I have even worried less about the Russian part.  I don't care what the doctors say about me when I'm there.  I'm not concerned about where we stay.  The first time I felt like I wasn't getting enough support from CHOC but this time I'm thinking that I'm going to make my itinerary and then TELL CHOC when we need rides and from where.  We will make the appointments and stay with the proper host family, but I'm not going to ask as many questions as opposed to stating what we need.

I also want to add a few coincidences.  I found the fun coincidences with Mak too, but people who believe in fate will always look for those 'meant-to-be' circumstances.

My "niece," S, drew me a photo two Christmases ago.  The caption that explained what the drawing was said: This is a picture of your little girl.  She is happy.  Thank you for my pickle.  This is officially the first prediction! LOL!
My friend H, she was in the play with me and saw me when I brought the news of Mak, said to me that night that she "didn't know" about him; that she saw us with a girl.  She has been right about all the pregnancies she's predicted to me...

The only other circumstance I can explain is that we had a girl name picked out.  One that took A LOT of debating.  We had chosen Clara in honour of Canadian olympian Clara Hughes and of the lead role in the Nutcracker (Russian Ballet shout out!).  Last month, my 'brother' here had the chance to see Clara speak.  I flipped when I saw this!  I started banging the table and yelling in my protest and jealousy.  Then he had the nerve to say, "who is that?"  (When I relayed this comment to my sister she subsequently responded with 'kick him out of Canada').  I broke our vow of silence about the names.  To me and Mike, it's a jinx to say what we want to name Kid until Kid is actually ours.  I told P that Clara Hughes is SUCH a big deal that we were naming a possible daughter after her!  Well, as soon as I said it I felt like the name was now used.  Although, the dream of the girl who liked math and video games was named Clara.  Anywho, one of the other names we had discussed was Daenerys.  She is a character from Game of Thrones and I adore her!  We loved the thought of the nicknames Dany, or even Khaleesi.  Well... Dania... ya...

Ok.  The other big difference I have to state is my lack of hesitation to share.  We knew about Mak for a few days before we made it public.  I (even before I told Mike since he was MIA for 4 hours!) waited about 30 minutes before telling people and calling long distance!  I had such great support when the first one fell through that I wanted to share it ALL this time.

I also want to give a great shout out to cousin C who had NO idea what was going on since her iPhone doesn't accept the photos I messaged her!  That was one of the best reactions!

Thanks to all who have phoned or messaged their well-wishes.  This time is different.  This time the good thoughts are fueling it from the very beginning.  This time, if it falls through, we will all keep up the hope and remember that '3rd time's the charm!'

xoxo

ps.  Visa applications are short of 4 Mike signatures before they are ready to go!

pps.  here is our other photo of her!

20 sleeps!

I've had gut wrenching, non-sleeping, feelings the last few nights.  It's hard to describe.  I'm not looking for sympathy or smart ass comments about, "well, welcome to parenthood" because yes, I understand parenthood is an expensive and spontaneous venture.  I am just describing my feelings for those who care to know.

I almost shit a brick when we booked the flights and hotels.  This happening this soon has left us "unbudgeted" for the rest of this process.  We had help with the first installment of the Russian fee and were not expecting to have to pay the second half until spring when we were thinking our first trip would be.  Five weeks to come up with the same amount that we just gave and then another several thousand for the trip itself.  THEN we will have to repeat the several thousand in a few months for our second trip.  YIKES!  We honestly thought we had more time.  Needless to say, I had a mini panic attack and kept running figures in my head all night when we booked it all Thursday.  It is going to be extremely tight until we hit April, or so.

The second thing keeping me awake is (surprise, surprise) the fear of letting people down.  If this process doesn't go through to completion (which I am trying so hard not to think) it will, most likely, be because of my medication and mood disorder.  It will be my fault that I have to leave Mak there.  I will let Mike down (again) by robbing him of the chance to have a child, and then disappointing all of you who have been so supportive and loving.  I know I can be irrational but it is impossible not to worry about these things that could hinder the chance to live a full life with Mak.

In the meantime, I keep hitting the stage and dancing and singing to bide my time, and keep ticking things off of our seemingly endless to-do list.  It is soooooo worth the worry though (hopefully).