I wanted this one to be separate from the previous post because it means a lot to me.
First, and mostly because it won't make me cry as much (...as much!), I have a friend who is moving away; and I mean moving away... like, to another country away, and this is her first time moving out. That coupled with this time of year - Back to School - always makes me remember when I moved out. I was insecure, depressed even though I didn't know it then, and very guarded. I had to tell S that I am looking at her moving from my remembered perspective and from a mum perspective. Seemingly everything now has me flashing forward to when it could happen to Dania instead of when it happened to me. I had to tell S that if Dania is similar in the self-assuredness, strength, and character S has (and I don't mean as a knight!), then I honestly don't think I would worry so much about her moving out. I remember that I found 'me' in university and I was quite self-conscious at the end of high school. It was with a lot of friends and familial support in second and third year that I figured stuff out. (This is also not inspired in anyway by the recent news of Robin Williams, either... ya, right). I worry that Dania will have trouble finding 'her' when she doesn't necessarily have the knowledge of her past that she might want. Oh, goodness, the worry spiral... I thought it was bad before... now, I'm a Mom. This is the type of content that was touched on in adoption training but can never be properly addressed because it is so individually tailored. It was great that they gave the info about finding international adoption-specific psychiatrists. I feel like that wasn't something that was given out in the past because being adopted and different wasn't addressed as readily as it is now - seriously, who isn't different? Anyway, I have a few people that I look to and hope that Dania can one day embody some of their greatness. I look at my cousin and my good friend who each raised 2 girls who are about to hit the decade mark and are wonderful to be around and hope Dania is as well adjusted as these girls. I hope Dania finds role models in her personal life like I have! And to my friend about to embark on a new adventure, bravo! I don't feel a shred of friend worry for you... it's only mom worry hahaha.
The moment in Ontario that took me by complete surprise was with my own mum. Now, I have mentioned many times and to many people that Dania can throw fits. I have had one group of friends see an 'almost-there' level of fit (even Mike hasn't seen the worst!) but I had one overheard in Ontario. I don't know what the trigger was for this and she literally screamed-inhaled-screamed-inhaled on repeat for I don't know how long. She was exhausted, she was given food, she had bed and stories and Elmo... who knows? When she finally stopped and fell asleep (a loooooooong time later), I was reading and Mum came in and asked if that was what I meant by a tantrum. You bet. She then asked if I was ok. That was not what I expected. I don't know why exactly, maybe because no one has really witnessed one of her huge fits and maybe because I feel inadequate, but I felt like I was bound to be told what to do instead of what I had done as opposed to questioned that I was okay. Ten days later... I'm hugging Mum goodbye and about to get into the car to go to the airport when she tells me I'm a good mum and she doesn't know where I got my patience from. Woah. That struck me hard being told by my own mum, who I respect hugely for a gajillion reasons, that I'm a good mum when I don't feel that way in situations like that. It's true, I don't have a lot of patience usually; I'm quick to jump to worse case scenario and conclude the 'only' way a situation can turn out but when it comes to Dania? Anything goes. I don't know what's going on in that head of hers, so I have to just go with my gut and do what I do. Thanks Mum. Thanks for the upraising and the complement.
Showing posts with label adoption training. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption training. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Friday, June 20, 2014
Longest. Month. Ever.
I was astounded when I saw it has only been a month and 6 days since I last posted. I swear to gods this was the longest month ever.
First, Mike went back to work, so there was that adjustment to only having a helping hand in the evenings. Then he went to sea for 3 weeks so I went to being a single parent with Dania having only 2 weeks transition before he went away and absolutely no concept of what I mean when I saw Daddy will be back in 20 sleeps. The first week went alright. I was tired and let a lot of housework slide... then the weekend hit and all hell broke loose. Dania started trying to change her own diaper. Three full bedding washes and 4 days while double checking EVERYTHING in her room for any hint of eau de poop. Back into a onesie while she sleeps has worked so far since then. Then the dog decided to become insanely jealous or protective or something else stupid and unnecessary, but while we were playing in our next-door-neighbour's back yard, she must have continuously thrown herself against the patio screen door until knocking it off the tracks. The back yard is fenced in, but that doesn't mean the cat can't jump or climb it and run away. I was more pissed than anything at first because I know the cat is smart enough to come home. Then it started to get dark and still no Howie. We have a coyote population in this neighbourhood. Howie is an aggressive cat and would get eaten. I started to get upset. Just when I full on panicked and posted a help add on our neighbourhood facebook group, I hear the collar bell ringing and he jumps back over the deck and into my arms. PHEWF! THE NEXT DANG DAY! Leia decides to run away after barging out while Dania and I are coming inside. Seriously?!?! I just bought you a new squeak toy and a new ball that we can kick for you without you biting a hole in it! Ungrateful bitch. She's female... it's allowed. She ran around for over an hour and a half until a neighbour caught her. She will NOT come when you call her and you can't chase her because then she thinks it is a game. Plus, I have Dania and can't just leave her while I run after Leia's darts here and there. I got a pretty bad sunburn from this unexpected jaunt outside. (On another note, Mike is home now and she did run out again today as she went after the UPS guy when I had my hand full with the package he delivered and he stepped back for that one split second to shut the door - zoooom. Seriously, I'm over her. Anyone want a dog?)
Week 2 began with Dania suddenly not asking for Dada anymore. I thought that was weird. Then when someone she knew came over she went bananas and started scrambling up me wanting to be held, crying, screaming 'mamaaaaa,' and hyperventilating to the point of puking. This wasn't a stranger either. I thought maybe it was a one time event until she did it two more times with people coming over, and with me talking to someone on the street, AND with her Mima who comes to play with her every Wednesday morning. I honestly think she was panicking about Mike suddenly not being here and her not wanting me to go the same way. She may not remember leaving the orphanage exactly but it was the same thing, her familiarity GONE. The adoption training touched on this saying that the kids don't have specific memories but they still have the feelings associated with change and upset and she probably just didn't know how to deal with them. I had to keep assuring her over and over that I wasn't leaving. I also just kept saying Daddy was coming home but she doesn't understand that. It broke my heart. I pretty much carried her or at least held her hand constantly for week 3 of Mike's deployment. We went to other people's houses and she was great there, but did not like the thought of me out of sight. Even Mike's homecoming was marred by her confusion over not wanting to leave me but excited to see him. I think she was thinking she only gets one or the other of us now.
It's been one week of mike being home - and taken that long to feel like I have caught up on things. She is doing alright now. She still gets clingy when tired, but otherwise is her old self. She is loving the warmer weather and wants to be outside all the time. She discovered how much she loves slides and even makes them for her stuffed animals. She back flips off her bed, can go downstairs by herself if there are rungs to hold on to, and learned the sign language for cereal all by herself by watching it on Baby Einstein. Mike and I had no idea what she kept trying to tell us and then one day I saw the video clip and put it all together. She is telling us she wants cereal... clever girl.
Her last speech pathology was kind of a bust because she wanted just to hold on to me (it was while Mike was away) but she is definitely comfortable at that office now and next month should prove more successful. We missed her hearing appointment yesterday... oops, my bad... but they haven't even called to tell me I missed it. We will see what happens. Perhaps I wrote it down wrong and we have yet to miss it but will again since I don't know when it is... We are also still waiting on her referral to the eye clinic at the kid's hospital. If it hits the 2 month mark, I will call the eye doctor for another referral.
I'm getting excited because we will be swimming in the lake pretty soon! It is still just a tad too cold right now, but we can still play on the shore and in the sand! She LOVES sand and gravel. Each time I have to tell her not to throw it because (I swear this is what it is! I can see her devious mind churning) it's not the same handful I just told her she couldn't throw. After a bit, she gets it and just drops it after a 3-2-1 countdown. I had to make her shorts out of a bunch of old tights since her waist is still fitting in her 3-6 month shorts from LAST summer. She is all torso! Almost 33 inches now. She didn't seem to mind the transition to shorts and no socks. I think she prefers bare feet like me. I did find the cutest little sandals for her. They are actually thongs with a heel strap. Her ankles and feet are too skinny for any of the strappy sandals. She kept tripping on them. We did get one pair to wear in the water but the flip flops are her go-to pair now. No blistering between the toes and they didn't freak her out because I wear them. Just like the earrings.
Ok, I think I need a nap. Here are a couple pics. xoxo
First, Mike went back to work, so there was that adjustment to only having a helping hand in the evenings. Then he went to sea for 3 weeks so I went to being a single parent with Dania having only 2 weeks transition before he went away and absolutely no concept of what I mean when I saw Daddy will be back in 20 sleeps. The first week went alright. I was tired and let a lot of housework slide... then the weekend hit and all hell broke loose. Dania started trying to change her own diaper. Three full bedding washes and 4 days while double checking EVERYTHING in her room for any hint of eau de poop. Back into a onesie while she sleeps has worked so far since then. Then the dog decided to become insanely jealous or protective or something else stupid and unnecessary, but while we were playing in our next-door-neighbour's back yard, she must have continuously thrown herself against the patio screen door until knocking it off the tracks. The back yard is fenced in, but that doesn't mean the cat can't jump or climb it and run away. I was more pissed than anything at first because I know the cat is smart enough to come home. Then it started to get dark and still no Howie. We have a coyote population in this neighbourhood. Howie is an aggressive cat and would get eaten. I started to get upset. Just when I full on panicked and posted a help add on our neighbourhood facebook group, I hear the collar bell ringing and he jumps back over the deck and into my arms. PHEWF! THE NEXT DANG DAY! Leia decides to run away after barging out while Dania and I are coming inside. Seriously?!?! I just bought you a new squeak toy and a new ball that we can kick for you without you biting a hole in it! Ungrateful bitch. She's female... it's allowed. She ran around for over an hour and a half until a neighbour caught her. She will NOT come when you call her and you can't chase her because then she thinks it is a game. Plus, I have Dania and can't just leave her while I run after Leia's darts here and there. I got a pretty bad sunburn from this unexpected jaunt outside. (On another note, Mike is home now and she did run out again today as she went after the UPS guy when I had my hand full with the package he delivered and he stepped back for that one split second to shut the door - zoooom. Seriously, I'm over her. Anyone want a dog?)
Week 2 began with Dania suddenly not asking for Dada anymore. I thought that was weird. Then when someone she knew came over she went bananas and started scrambling up me wanting to be held, crying, screaming 'mamaaaaa,' and hyperventilating to the point of puking. This wasn't a stranger either. I thought maybe it was a one time event until she did it two more times with people coming over, and with me talking to someone on the street, AND with her Mima who comes to play with her every Wednesday morning. I honestly think she was panicking about Mike suddenly not being here and her not wanting me to go the same way. She may not remember leaving the orphanage exactly but it was the same thing, her familiarity GONE. The adoption training touched on this saying that the kids don't have specific memories but they still have the feelings associated with change and upset and she probably just didn't know how to deal with them. I had to keep assuring her over and over that I wasn't leaving. I also just kept saying Daddy was coming home but she doesn't understand that. It broke my heart. I pretty much carried her or at least held her hand constantly for week 3 of Mike's deployment. We went to other people's houses and she was great there, but did not like the thought of me out of sight. Even Mike's homecoming was marred by her confusion over not wanting to leave me but excited to see him. I think she was thinking she only gets one or the other of us now.
It's been one week of mike being home - and taken that long to feel like I have caught up on things. She is doing alright now. She still gets clingy when tired, but otherwise is her old self. She is loving the warmer weather and wants to be outside all the time. She discovered how much she loves slides and even makes them for her stuffed animals. She back flips off her bed, can go downstairs by herself if there are rungs to hold on to, and learned the sign language for cereal all by herself by watching it on Baby Einstein. Mike and I had no idea what she kept trying to tell us and then one day I saw the video clip and put it all together. She is telling us she wants cereal... clever girl.
Her last speech pathology was kind of a bust because she wanted just to hold on to me (it was while Mike was away) but she is definitely comfortable at that office now and next month should prove more successful. We missed her hearing appointment yesterday... oops, my bad... but they haven't even called to tell me I missed it. We will see what happens. Perhaps I wrote it down wrong and we have yet to miss it but will again since I don't know when it is... We are also still waiting on her referral to the eye clinic at the kid's hospital. If it hits the 2 month mark, I will call the eye doctor for another referral.
I'm getting excited because we will be swimming in the lake pretty soon! It is still just a tad too cold right now, but we can still play on the shore and in the sand! She LOVES sand and gravel. Each time I have to tell her not to throw it because (I swear this is what it is! I can see her devious mind churning) it's not the same handful I just told her she couldn't throw. After a bit, she gets it and just drops it after a 3-2-1 countdown. I had to make her shorts out of a bunch of old tights since her waist is still fitting in her 3-6 month shorts from LAST summer. She is all torso! Almost 33 inches now. She didn't seem to mind the transition to shorts and no socks. I think she prefers bare feet like me. I did find the cutest little sandals for her. They are actually thongs with a heel strap. Her ankles and feet are too skinny for any of the strappy sandals. She kept tripping on them. We did get one pair to wear in the water but the flip flops are her go-to pair now. No blistering between the toes and they didn't freak her out because I wear them. Just like the earrings.
Ok, I think I need a nap. Here are a couple pics. xoxo
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Last Training Session
Thursday night we finished the Russian adoption training course! My favourite quote of the night was, "adoption is like marriage without the dating." How true!
This last session focused on survival skills and psychologist's recommendations for dealing with the five archetypal coping behaviours. The survival skills were relatable to many situations but the main point that was repeated was, "don't blame yourself." Just like everyone has bad hair days, we are entitled to bad adoption days where we all get frustrated and nothing right seems to happen! A lot of information pertained to reminding ourselves that we keep on living our lives but we have to adapt to her special needs and be aware of how others react to her. For example, she might not want to be spoken to directly, it might cause her to freeze up, so we have to speak for her in advance.
We also explored some case studies of young adoptees. All of these kids were under 3 years of age and had a family age of less than 6 months. It was interesting to hear about how even a 9-month-old girl could become a 'rock' by just curling up and refusing to react to any stimulus. In each case, the psychologists went showed the parent how to teach and practice proper family behaviour with their child. It took time and, in some cases, they regressed when entering daycare, but then the parent had the knowledge with how to deal with the coping mechanisms and could do so for any regression.
I really, really enjoyed this course. It had a lot of general knowledge that I think all parents should hear and it made you think in advance about situations we might not have even considered. It is so much more about adopting a child from an institution now as opposed to a child from Russia.
There were a lot of tips about Russian culture that would help us relate to the probable routines in the orphanage. We were told Russian families often have a 'tea party' at the end of the day with the whole family. This lets everyone get together and enjoy each others' company before going your separate ways the next morning. I think we can certainly do this considering, Dania included, we all like tea!
This last session focused on survival skills and psychologist's recommendations for dealing with the five archetypal coping behaviours. The survival skills were relatable to many situations but the main point that was repeated was, "don't blame yourself." Just like everyone has bad hair days, we are entitled to bad adoption days where we all get frustrated and nothing right seems to happen! A lot of information pertained to reminding ourselves that we keep on living our lives but we have to adapt to her special needs and be aware of how others react to her. For example, she might not want to be spoken to directly, it might cause her to freeze up, so we have to speak for her in advance.
We also explored some case studies of young adoptees. All of these kids were under 3 years of age and had a family age of less than 6 months. It was interesting to hear about how even a 9-month-old girl could become a 'rock' by just curling up and refusing to react to any stimulus. In each case, the psychologists went showed the parent how to teach and practice proper family behaviour with their child. It took time and, in some cases, they regressed when entering daycare, but then the parent had the knowledge with how to deal with the coping mechanisms and could do so for any regression.
I really, really enjoyed this course. It had a lot of general knowledge that I think all parents should hear and it made you think in advance about situations we might not have even considered. It is so much more about adopting a child from an institution now as opposed to a child from Russia.
There were a lot of tips about Russian culture that would help us relate to the probable routines in the orphanage. We were told Russian families often have a 'tea party' at the end of the day with the whole family. This lets everyone get together and enjoy each others' company before going your separate ways the next morning. I think we can certainly do this considering, Dania included, we all like tea!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
The Next Steps
I have printed many photographs so I always have them on me to show people! Now, that wasn't a necessary 'next step' but I did need a few to send to CHOC and 10 for us to take to our court hearing. We are also encouraged to bring some of us with Dania to add to the album we gave Dania, this way she can look at her with us too!
I printed the photos. I informed our provincial government of the success of the trip and that we are waiting for a hearing date. I sent CHOC the child information form we had to fill out for the embassy in Ottawa. This form is so we get a "No Objection" letter from our government, which is a must for the hearing. I also sent in the last quiz for our training and we will be scheduling the date for our last video conference soon. I found a dresser for Kid's room that will be perfect. It popped up on kijiji today and I was lucky enough to see it early; we will be picking it up tonight. That means Kid's room is complete!
We will also be working on our court statements over the next week. We want them to be perfect and my problem will be saying WAY too much because I just love her that much!
I printed the photos. I informed our provincial government of the success of the trip and that we are waiting for a hearing date. I sent CHOC the child information form we had to fill out for the embassy in Ottawa. This form is so we get a "No Objection" letter from our government, which is a must for the hearing. I also sent in the last quiz for our training and we will be scheduling the date for our last video conference soon. I found a dresser for Kid's room that will be perfect. It popped up on kijiji today and I was lucky enough to see it early; we will be picking it up tonight. That means Kid's room is complete!
We will also be working on our court statements over the next week. We want them to be perfect and my problem will be saying WAY too much because I just love her that much!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Coping and Structure
Training session number two happened last night. It was WONDERFUL! I really like this and think it applies to many more than just institutionalized kids, but it is practically a guarantee with an orphan from an institution.
We learned from NS training sessions that all adoptions begin with loss. Russia sees their loss and ups it with suspicion. There is suspicion of us as we chose this path and they didn't. The kids encounter this forced immersion and see us, as parents, as the guilty party because it was US that came and took THEM. Even if we are taking them from pain and squalor, we are still taking them from their normal and natural beginnings without their choosing us. SIDE NOTE: For these reasons, young international adoptees can have trouble with fantastial stories like Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter because of the kids being forced into an entire new environment that is scary! I will have to ensure there is no fear of Harry in this house. I have secretly already planned to order the wand that corresponds with Kid's birthday... whenever that may be! So, adoptions begin with suspicion and they are forced to cope.
We learned about coping behaviours and what to expect our reactions to be for each type. We were also told that these behaviours are to be expected for the first 6 months. If it persists longer than that, we are encouraged to seek help of an adoption specialist therapist. By 6 months, Kid should have shifted into adjustment behaviours (mind you, this still isn't comfort, it is just acceptance and adapting and the knowledge that Mike and I are the "go to" people because we are here to protect Kid).
Oh, another side note: We are encouraged to think of Kid with a family age as well as the actual age. The family age can often coincide with developmental age because the family is a new day zero. To further illustrate this: if we are privileged enough to adopt Dania, she will be about 18 months, but when she turns 2, her family age is only 6 months. Man different stages to overlap and restart. So fascinating!
On to the classic coping behaviours. These are coping behaviours for many situations, but, as I understand, an orphan will fit one type more than the others, so it will seem like an adjustment, because some of these behaviours involve interaction and cooperation, but until Kid begins to exhibit different types of behaviour it is probably a coping behaviour.
Before I get into the types, I want to relay the metaphor we were given last night. It is like a kid being suddenly pushed into a pool while fully clothed. There is instant shock and panic. Sometimes the kid is old enough to know how to swim, which will change the way he thinks, but either way, the kid feels weighed down and a sinking sensation from the soaked clothing and lack of air. There is a point where they can decide to take control of the situation, orient themselves and find the surface, and then, if they know how, they can swim towards it. If they don't know how they still know that's the way to go but will flail and desperately reach for it. I loved this. I know how to swim and am very confident in the water but it is a suffocating atmosphere. I can hold my breath for well over a minute but as soon as I am submersed I have a sense of panic so I can't function as well as I know how to. It makes soooo much sense. Our instructor also relayed that kids as young as 9 months will exhibit these behaviours, because even if they won't necessarily remember the orphanage, they are still currently aware that a HUGE upset has occurred in their life! She also relayed that she knows a girl who was adopted at 3, it has been 6 years and she can descriptively describe her memories of the change from one home to another. It was the biggest CHANGE in her life and therefore the most ingrained. We were told to use words like "change" because that is easier for a child to understand instead of "adoption." Eventually, the child will understand adoption, but emphasize the change aspect as this will be the part that they understand the most.
OK, There are five classic coping types:
1. The Rock Response - This is a child who is in complete denial over their current situation. They feel rejected and question why everything happened - but question it in silence. This is an "acting in" behaviour. They will sit solemn and curled around themselves, refusing to interact with games, conversations, meals, etc. Completely turned inside. It is important for parents not to feel rejected and ignored. They child is coping! We just have to work extra hard to get any response from Kid and constantly assure them it is ok and we are there for them.
2. Ragdoll Response - This is another "acting in" behaviour. The child is in acceptance of their change of circumstance, but in total shock from it. They have no control over their body and just flop over wherever they are sat down. (Think of picking up a kid who is asleep). It is often not a continuous behaviour but will be lapsed into unexpectedly. Characteristic "deer in the headlight" vacant stare. This behaviour can illicit more frustration from the parents as there seems to be no focus. The kid will interact but then suddenly lose interest and 'ragdoll.'
3. Dizzy Performer - This child is also in denial and tries to avoid the present situation by being so busy and random. He is often charming, with a smile or act, but doesn't make a connection to anyone. It doesn't matter who comes into the room, there is no shyness or caution. These are kids who don't sleep well and can literally drop to sleep at random times. They are seen as hyperactive and don't feel immediate pain. The parents take pride in the seeming independence and interaction from the child but will be puzzled by the risk taking and non-stop action. These kids don't learn from mistakes or lessons about bad behaviour. This also leads to frustration.
4. The Royal Boss - This is the "my way or the high way" attitude. These kids feel out of control and want security and try to get it themselves. When they don't get what they want they throw tantrums. These kids don't understand consequences and don't understand boundaries. Parents feel unable to control these kids and feel forced to start using punishments (that aren't understood because they are just trying to gain a security that they just lost!) and can find themselves feeling angry or unable.
5. The Unwilling Guest - These are usually kids who are 2 or older. They feel rejected but are full of hope they can return to their normal world if they behave. These kids usually had a connection with someone before, whether it was a relative or caregiver, but they have lost this connection and act 'perfect' in order to get the reward of that person coming back. Parents of these kids often feel like they have a stranger living in their house as there is no connection made (the kid wants the previous connection), and it is difficult to feel compassion for these kids. They don't act out but they don't convey their hurt.
OK, these behaviours are to be expected - but not consistently longer than 6 months. The best way to help encourage the transition from coping to adjustment is STRUCTURE!
We were told that with all of these coping behaviours we have to keep ensuring that we are there to help and we love them, but by showing consistency in routine and structuring our days and weeks, we are showing security.
Everything is overstimulating for an institutionalized child who has just been forced into immersion in a new world! Unlike a child who grows with a family from birth and gets to know the routine in their house, if we bring home Kid one day and then go out to the grocery store the next day, this new change can induce fear of a second big change. Only introduce one new activity each day, from setting the table, to laundry, to preparing food. ONLY ONE! Endure any meltdowns that occur and judge whether or not you can do a different one the next day or whether it is necessary to repeat the same. Keep meal times, nap times, bath times, etc all the same at first. Wait until they show they are adjusted before shifting things. If it is necessary to go to appointments, only schedule one a week to help avoid over stimulation. You have to limit the number of new daily activities because the child may also display delayed reactions to these changes. Say we go to the drug store week 2, she may be fine and on perfect behaviour (because of fear that we are giving her away) and not react until much later out of relief from the fear. It was emphasized that we must move slow, slow, slow. No parties for the first bit (kids are often given a goodbye party at the orphanage), definitely no planes or hotels for the first year, if possible. This child had grown accustomed to a routine (at the orphanage) and then is suddenly forced into what we see is normal and mundane but, to them, it is foreign and scary.
It was so fascinating. If I could type it all out, I totally would. She couldn't emphasize enough how the littlest thing may cause major stress. No matter how young we are adopting.
I am so glad we are both planning on taking the maximum time off. Mike will be officially on parental leave and I will just be leaving my position. We really want to assure Kid we are here for her and love her! We want to facilitate trust and the feeling of security.
We learned from NS training sessions that all adoptions begin with loss. Russia sees their loss and ups it with suspicion. There is suspicion of us as we chose this path and they didn't. The kids encounter this forced immersion and see us, as parents, as the guilty party because it was US that came and took THEM. Even if we are taking them from pain and squalor, we are still taking them from their normal and natural beginnings without their choosing us. SIDE NOTE: For these reasons, young international adoptees can have trouble with fantastial stories like Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter because of the kids being forced into an entire new environment that is scary! I will have to ensure there is no fear of Harry in this house. I have secretly already planned to order the wand that corresponds with Kid's birthday... whenever that may be! So, adoptions begin with suspicion and they are forced to cope.
We learned about coping behaviours and what to expect our reactions to be for each type. We were also told that these behaviours are to be expected for the first 6 months. If it persists longer than that, we are encouraged to seek help of an adoption specialist therapist. By 6 months, Kid should have shifted into adjustment behaviours (mind you, this still isn't comfort, it is just acceptance and adapting and the knowledge that Mike and I are the "go to" people because we are here to protect Kid).
Oh, another side note: We are encouraged to think of Kid with a family age as well as the actual age. The family age can often coincide with developmental age because the family is a new day zero. To further illustrate this: if we are privileged enough to adopt Dania, she will be about 18 months, but when she turns 2, her family age is only 6 months. Man different stages to overlap and restart. So fascinating!
On to the classic coping behaviours. These are coping behaviours for many situations, but, as I understand, an orphan will fit one type more than the others, so it will seem like an adjustment, because some of these behaviours involve interaction and cooperation, but until Kid begins to exhibit different types of behaviour it is probably a coping behaviour.
Before I get into the types, I want to relay the metaphor we were given last night. It is like a kid being suddenly pushed into a pool while fully clothed. There is instant shock and panic. Sometimes the kid is old enough to know how to swim, which will change the way he thinks, but either way, the kid feels weighed down and a sinking sensation from the soaked clothing and lack of air. There is a point where they can decide to take control of the situation, orient themselves and find the surface, and then, if they know how, they can swim towards it. If they don't know how they still know that's the way to go but will flail and desperately reach for it. I loved this. I know how to swim and am very confident in the water but it is a suffocating atmosphere. I can hold my breath for well over a minute but as soon as I am submersed I have a sense of panic so I can't function as well as I know how to. It makes soooo much sense. Our instructor also relayed that kids as young as 9 months will exhibit these behaviours, because even if they won't necessarily remember the orphanage, they are still currently aware that a HUGE upset has occurred in their life! She also relayed that she knows a girl who was adopted at 3, it has been 6 years and she can descriptively describe her memories of the change from one home to another. It was the biggest CHANGE in her life and therefore the most ingrained. We were told to use words like "change" because that is easier for a child to understand instead of "adoption." Eventually, the child will understand adoption, but emphasize the change aspect as this will be the part that they understand the most.
OK, There are five classic coping types:
1. The Rock Response - This is a child who is in complete denial over their current situation. They feel rejected and question why everything happened - but question it in silence. This is an "acting in" behaviour. They will sit solemn and curled around themselves, refusing to interact with games, conversations, meals, etc. Completely turned inside. It is important for parents not to feel rejected and ignored. They child is coping! We just have to work extra hard to get any response from Kid and constantly assure them it is ok and we are there for them.
2. Ragdoll Response - This is another "acting in" behaviour. The child is in acceptance of their change of circumstance, but in total shock from it. They have no control over their body and just flop over wherever they are sat down. (Think of picking up a kid who is asleep). It is often not a continuous behaviour but will be lapsed into unexpectedly. Characteristic "deer in the headlight" vacant stare. This behaviour can illicit more frustration from the parents as there seems to be no focus. The kid will interact but then suddenly lose interest and 'ragdoll.'
3. Dizzy Performer - This child is also in denial and tries to avoid the present situation by being so busy and random. He is often charming, with a smile or act, but doesn't make a connection to anyone. It doesn't matter who comes into the room, there is no shyness or caution. These are kids who don't sleep well and can literally drop to sleep at random times. They are seen as hyperactive and don't feel immediate pain. The parents take pride in the seeming independence and interaction from the child but will be puzzled by the risk taking and non-stop action. These kids don't learn from mistakes or lessons about bad behaviour. This also leads to frustration.
4. The Royal Boss - This is the "my way or the high way" attitude. These kids feel out of control and want security and try to get it themselves. When they don't get what they want they throw tantrums. These kids don't understand consequences and don't understand boundaries. Parents feel unable to control these kids and feel forced to start using punishments (that aren't understood because they are just trying to gain a security that they just lost!) and can find themselves feeling angry or unable.
5. The Unwilling Guest - These are usually kids who are 2 or older. They feel rejected but are full of hope they can return to their normal world if they behave. These kids usually had a connection with someone before, whether it was a relative or caregiver, but they have lost this connection and act 'perfect' in order to get the reward of that person coming back. Parents of these kids often feel like they have a stranger living in their house as there is no connection made (the kid wants the previous connection), and it is difficult to feel compassion for these kids. They don't act out but they don't convey their hurt.
OK, these behaviours are to be expected - but not consistently longer than 6 months. The best way to help encourage the transition from coping to adjustment is STRUCTURE!
We were told that with all of these coping behaviours we have to keep ensuring that we are there to help and we love them, but by showing consistency in routine and structuring our days and weeks, we are showing security.
Everything is overstimulating for an institutionalized child who has just been forced into immersion in a new world! Unlike a child who grows with a family from birth and gets to know the routine in their house, if we bring home Kid one day and then go out to the grocery store the next day, this new change can induce fear of a second big change. Only introduce one new activity each day, from setting the table, to laundry, to preparing food. ONLY ONE! Endure any meltdowns that occur and judge whether or not you can do a different one the next day or whether it is necessary to repeat the same. Keep meal times, nap times, bath times, etc all the same at first. Wait until they show they are adjusted before shifting things. If it is necessary to go to appointments, only schedule one a week to help avoid over stimulation. You have to limit the number of new daily activities because the child may also display delayed reactions to these changes. Say we go to the drug store week 2, she may be fine and on perfect behaviour (because of fear that we are giving her away) and not react until much later out of relief from the fear. It was emphasized that we must move slow, slow, slow. No parties for the first bit (kids are often given a goodbye party at the orphanage), definitely no planes or hotels for the first year, if possible. This child had grown accustomed to a routine (at the orphanage) and then is suddenly forced into what we see is normal and mundane but, to them, it is foreign and scary.
It was so fascinating. If I could type it all out, I totally would. She couldn't emphasize enough how the littlest thing may cause major stress. No matter how young we are adopting.
I am so glad we are both planning on taking the maximum time off. Mike will be officially on parental leave and I will just be leaving my position. We really want to assure Kid we are here for her and love her! We want to facilitate trust and the feeling of security.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
The Stress Shaped Brain
We did all of the new readings for the next part of our training. Only the first 5 pages were about Russian law; the rest was about child development, language barriers, sexual identity, risks for issues regarding health and skill development, and the stress shaped brain.
I knew a lot of the info about development because of teachers' college. It never hurts to reread anything though. I also felt I was quite aware of many of the issues that could occur and the delays that are to be looked for because of coming from the institution -moreover, not just aware, able to work with a child with any of these delays.
For example: Kid is not an English second language person. Kid is replacing what she has already learned with a whole new language. She is a regular English language learner, just learning it a year and a half later than everyone else her age. I feel able to support Kid with this and making sure that teacher's realize Kid is actually a year behind the other kids in her class when she starts kindergarten.
I really enjoyed the info about the stress shaped brain. A child growing up in a stressful situation, whether the institutional setting or a neglectful family setting, actually has a brain that develops differently than one in a nurtured environment. It has a lot to do with the fact that the brain doesn't keep producing the 'happy' feelings because it is always on guard.
I would really like to go into more details but it would take way too long. Two things that struck me the most were that a child who has a stress shaped brain doesn't feel physical pain as instantly as a different child. The stress brain has blocked the feeling receptors by always having it on the 'look out' so it doesn't notice the pain of getting cut or hit until you point it out. This can cause a child to play more rough or dangerously without learning it is not good. I also liked the analogy of how a stress shaped brain can freak out at the smallest question because of how it is always on guard. The brain defaults to fight/flight/freeze when it is on guard. They used the image of a person running from a bear. The person running is onguard from the bear and if you tried to stop him and ask him a question he wouldn't be ABLE to answer... not just that he isn't answering. The stress shaped brain is always running from the bear...
We have to really work to show that we are here for Kid and allowing her to let down her guard.
We do an assignment together tonight. I like that Mike is getting a better understanding of child development.
Eleven sleeps until take off. Barf.
I knew a lot of the info about development because of teachers' college. It never hurts to reread anything though. I also felt I was quite aware of many of the issues that could occur and the delays that are to be looked for because of coming from the institution -moreover, not just aware, able to work with a child with any of these delays.
For example: Kid is not an English second language person. Kid is replacing what she has already learned with a whole new language. She is a regular English language learner, just learning it a year and a half later than everyone else her age. I feel able to support Kid with this and making sure that teacher's realize Kid is actually a year behind the other kids in her class when she starts kindergarten.
I really enjoyed the info about the stress shaped brain. A child growing up in a stressful situation, whether the institutional setting or a neglectful family setting, actually has a brain that develops differently than one in a nurtured environment. It has a lot to do with the fact that the brain doesn't keep producing the 'happy' feelings because it is always on guard.
I would really like to go into more details but it would take way too long. Two things that struck me the most were that a child who has a stress shaped brain doesn't feel physical pain as instantly as a different child. The stress brain has blocked the feeling receptors by always having it on the 'look out' so it doesn't notice the pain of getting cut or hit until you point it out. This can cause a child to play more rough or dangerously without learning it is not good. I also liked the analogy of how a stress shaped brain can freak out at the smallest question because of how it is always on guard. The brain defaults to fight/flight/freeze when it is on guard. They used the image of a person running from a bear. The person running is onguard from the bear and if you tried to stop him and ask him a question he wouldn't be ABLE to answer... not just that he isn't answering. The stress shaped brain is always running from the bear...
We have to really work to show that we are here for Kid and allowing her to let down her guard.
We do an assignment together tonight. I like that Mike is getting a better understanding of child development.
Eleven sleeps until take off. Barf.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Video Session #1
Before I dive into the Skype session, I want to mention that I sat and chatted with out social worker today. It was great to hear her jokingly say, "wipe that smile off your face." Do you think people can tell I'm excited?
Gut wrenching excited.
Our first video session was initially a justification as to how this course differs from other adoptive training courses. Good to know that it will be VERY Russian specific as to the laws, process, environment, etc.
We then began to discuss our motivations for becoming an adoptive parent. She went over many character traits and considerations that an adoptive parent must have, which are, most of the time, above and beyond a biological parent. She said openness to loving friends as much as family is a sign of a good adoptive parent candidate. (I think we have that one in the bag considering we consider so many friends a part of our family!) She also said that adoption needs to be approached with a rational and emotional sense of decision making skills. She said she could tell from our report answers that Mike was rational and I was emotional and she was glad we were working together! One of the traits she mentioned was advocacy. She mentioned how you have to advocate for your adoptive child more than a biological one. You have to ensure that they are understood, ie explaining behaviour or odd remarks to a teacher. Most of these traits were discussed in the provincial course but she just put so much more emphasis on adopting the institutionalized child.
She is a child psychologist and has also been helping facilitate adoptions for almost 20 years. She spoke next about the signs of adjustment disorders and was able to give many personal experiences for examples. She also enforced the fact that unless many of the signs are present at the same time the child usually will adjust in a reasonable amount of time. She said trust is the biggest problem because they have no consistency in an institution and therefore can't trust that the person who put them to sleep will be the person to wake them up, etc. She said showing that consistency of presence at home is so important. She also mentioned the children could hoard food, regressing in habits (in Russia, it is mandatory for kids to use the potty and feed themselves with a spoon by 12 months! It's mostly because they don't have time to deal with all of the children over a year old who are completely capable of walking to the potty on their own.), over eating, and resisting rules and love. Interesting fact about resisting us as new parents: the child is more likely to distance herself from the male while still in the institution, and then the female once they are moved home - but only when the male isn't present.
After discussing the signs and special needs of the children we talked about what a good parent needs to provide; again, things we discussed in our provincial course.
She talked about what questions to ask when we go over there regarding their history. She spoke about how important it is to ask about the psychological history as well as the medical history. She also explained how some children are classified as 'foundlings' and do not have a history because when they were found abandoned the police essentially started the history right there. We will be asking right away if she was a foundling or not. It is Russian law that once custody is given to us (hopefully) the social services have to have signed consent from the biological parents if they are known. This is the 30 day appeal period. Russia wants every chance to keep their citizens in their country. If her parents are known, I'm hoping they realize we can help her by loving her and repairing her cleft pallet and, even though we take her to Canada, keeping her aware of where she came from.
It was a really enjoyable lecture/discussion. She told us this next part is all about the law and it is the boring part LOL! She said we will be quizzed after but there is no passing grade; we simply discuss the answers. She said she tried to make it as relevant and to-the-point as possible.
I do have to leak one of my fears here, since it is becoming more relevant now. When we first started there was a lot of talk over my mental health. We were bounced around by CHOC because they weren't convinced Russia would want to work with us. The medicals is where we will be 'cross examined' about this, if it is an issue for them. It simply states I had a major depressive episode 10 years ago and am on medication to stabilize my mood - and this doesn't mean I am sad without the pills... it just means that everything makes me cry! Happy, sad, surprised, scared... everything is just felt so much more because my middle ground isn't there. I hope beyond hope that this is not an issue. The woman tonight also mentioned how Russian doctors like to over diagnose everything. We will see what happens. All I can do is show the judge how much she already means to Mike and me and how this 'problem' isn't even a nuisance for either of us.
She talked about being prepared for over there... I do feel prepared - with undertones of being scared! It is all in a good way though. The excitement over shines everything else. As I said, once we ask about her parents (hopefully the first big sigh of our trip) and go through the medicals (second big sigh) the only one left for the second trip is the court hearing (and if we don't get that first big sigh, this turns into a 30-day-on-the-edge-of-my-seat-with-puckered-everything kind of expectation). .
Gut wrenching excited.
Our first video session was initially a justification as to how this course differs from other adoptive training courses. Good to know that it will be VERY Russian specific as to the laws, process, environment, etc.
We then began to discuss our motivations for becoming an adoptive parent. She went over many character traits and considerations that an adoptive parent must have, which are, most of the time, above and beyond a biological parent. She said openness to loving friends as much as family is a sign of a good adoptive parent candidate. (I think we have that one in the bag considering we consider so many friends a part of our family!) She also said that adoption needs to be approached with a rational and emotional sense of decision making skills. She said she could tell from our report answers that Mike was rational and I was emotional and she was glad we were working together! One of the traits she mentioned was advocacy. She mentioned how you have to advocate for your adoptive child more than a biological one. You have to ensure that they are understood, ie explaining behaviour or odd remarks to a teacher. Most of these traits were discussed in the provincial course but she just put so much more emphasis on adopting the institutionalized child.
She is a child psychologist and has also been helping facilitate adoptions for almost 20 years. She spoke next about the signs of adjustment disorders and was able to give many personal experiences for examples. She also enforced the fact that unless many of the signs are present at the same time the child usually will adjust in a reasonable amount of time. She said trust is the biggest problem because they have no consistency in an institution and therefore can't trust that the person who put them to sleep will be the person to wake them up, etc. She said showing that consistency of presence at home is so important. She also mentioned the children could hoard food, regressing in habits (in Russia, it is mandatory for kids to use the potty and feed themselves with a spoon by 12 months! It's mostly because they don't have time to deal with all of the children over a year old who are completely capable of walking to the potty on their own.), over eating, and resisting rules and love. Interesting fact about resisting us as new parents: the child is more likely to distance herself from the male while still in the institution, and then the female once they are moved home - but only when the male isn't present.
After discussing the signs and special needs of the children we talked about what a good parent needs to provide; again, things we discussed in our provincial course.
She talked about what questions to ask when we go over there regarding their history. She spoke about how important it is to ask about the psychological history as well as the medical history. She also explained how some children are classified as 'foundlings' and do not have a history because when they were found abandoned the police essentially started the history right there. We will be asking right away if she was a foundling or not. It is Russian law that once custody is given to us (hopefully) the social services have to have signed consent from the biological parents if they are known. This is the 30 day appeal period. Russia wants every chance to keep their citizens in their country. If her parents are known, I'm hoping they realize we can help her by loving her and repairing her cleft pallet and, even though we take her to Canada, keeping her aware of where she came from.
It was a really enjoyable lecture/discussion. She told us this next part is all about the law and it is the boring part LOL! She said we will be quizzed after but there is no passing grade; we simply discuss the answers. She said she tried to make it as relevant and to-the-point as possible.
I do have to leak one of my fears here, since it is becoming more relevant now. When we first started there was a lot of talk over my mental health. We were bounced around by CHOC because they weren't convinced Russia would want to work with us. The medicals is where we will be 'cross examined' about this, if it is an issue for them. It simply states I had a major depressive episode 10 years ago and am on medication to stabilize my mood - and this doesn't mean I am sad without the pills... it just means that everything makes me cry! Happy, sad, surprised, scared... everything is just felt so much more because my middle ground isn't there. I hope beyond hope that this is not an issue. The woman tonight also mentioned how Russian doctors like to over diagnose everything. We will see what happens. All I can do is show the judge how much she already means to Mike and me and how this 'problem' isn't even a nuisance for either of us.
She talked about being prepared for over there... I do feel prepared - with undertones of being scared! It is all in a good way though. The excitement over shines everything else. As I said, once we ask about her parents (hopefully the first big sigh of our trip) and go through the medicals (second big sigh) the only one left for the second trip is the court hearing (and if we don't get that first big sigh, this turns into a 30-day-on-the-edge-of-my-seat-with-puckered-everything kind of expectation). .
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Assignment #1
Please write down 3 – 5 sentence answers
to the questions below and e-mail the completed assignment to me:
- What has drawn you to consider the adoption of a child from Russia?
- What do you know about the adoption of a child from Russia?
- Do you know someone who has adopted a child either from Russia or from another country?
- If so, what has been their experience?
- What is your fantasy of the child you would like to adopt?
- How do you imagine your adopted child fitting into your family?
- What challenges do you think you may face adding a child to your family?
- What do you think may be some of the challenges for your adopted child?
- What life experience or knowledge do you have that makes you feel prepared to manage these challenges?
- What behaviors or problems would you consider intolerable, unacceptable or beyond your capacity to manage?
- What if your child manifested some of those problems, would you still be committed to them? So, I am an over achiever and wrote WAY more than 3-5 sentences. I went back and edited my answers to not look crazy LOL! It took me two hours! I never had to think about my answer, just started typing. I love this. I'm leery about publishing my answers because I share other people's stories to which I have no right to publish. I will save everything for Kid though. There will be no hiding our hopes and fears and dreams for Kid!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Clinic Appointments Made
OK, our last appointment for the first trip is now made. We go for the medicals in Moscow on the 17th. So, potential timeline is: leave here on the 10th, land in Ufa on the 12th, meeting with the ministry on the 13th and the onto the orphanage, 4 days in the orphanage city, back to Moscow night of the 16th, clinicals all day on the 17, fly home either late that night or early 18th morning. Boo yah!
I also want to mention that the couple I speak to, D & S, just got an offer for a girl too! We don't think they can get their visas in time to visit simultaneously but we are very excited for them and hope our paths cross soon! They are going to be very helpful with the list of questions regarding the trip! Ie, does the couple we stay with have voltage converters? What are Russia's standards on car seats since we won't have one over there? Lol!
I'm also looking forward to the new round of training. I loved the course and how it made Mike and I think. The course we took was very Chinese-based so a Russia specific will be nice. It will also help us with the Russian culture and help us with how to help Kid understand her background.
Added two hours later: we just received the info about the training course. It sounds very much like a college soc/psych course that is very Russian specific. There are five hours of video conference and 45 hours of online coursework. CHOC employees had to go through training in order to become an accredited authority to the Russians. Of course, there is a fee, sigh, but it is much less than anything else and sounds reasonable considering the personalization and "marking" they will do. The course is organized by a different employee of CHOC but it will still be nice to have a "face-to-face" meeting with someone from the agency! The information email said they really spent time making this course to accommodate all clients who didn't live in the GTA. We appreciate that!
I also want to mention that the couple I speak to, D & S, just got an offer for a girl too! We don't think they can get their visas in time to visit simultaneously but we are very excited for them and hope our paths cross soon! They are going to be very helpful with the list of questions regarding the trip! Ie, does the couple we stay with have voltage converters? What are Russia's standards on car seats since we won't have one over there? Lol!
I'm also looking forward to the new round of training. I loved the course and how it made Mike and I think. The course we took was very Chinese-based so a Russia specific will be nice. It will also help us with the Russian culture and help us with how to help Kid understand her background.
Added two hours later: we just received the info about the training course. It sounds very much like a college soc/psych course that is very Russian specific. There are five hours of video conference and 45 hours of online coursework. CHOC employees had to go through training in order to become an accredited authority to the Russians. Of course, there is a fee, sigh, but it is much less than anything else and sounds reasonable considering the personalization and "marking" they will do. The course is organized by a different employee of CHOC but it will still be nice to have a "face-to-face" meeting with someone from the agency! The information email said they really spent time making this course to accommodate all clients who didn't live in the GTA. We appreciate that!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
More Training
Russia has set forth regulations for adoption training more specific to the Russian regulations. The course has to be minimum 30 (and up to 80) hours of training with
certificate, and a confirmation should be provided that the provider of
the courses is authorized to conduct them (copy of the provider's
license/authorization letter).
Topics to be covered include:
*The decision to adopt internationally
* What is international adoption like for a child?
* Building the family together and resolving emotional issues
* Understanding and building attachment
* Managing behavior and building new skills
* Addressing educational issues
* Parental survival skills
* Professional medical and psychological help for your child
Luckily, CHOC has designed a course specific to Russia and it can be done via Skype. They will be contacting us when they set up a time, hopefully over several evenings ora few weekends.
In the meantime, I have made our budget... more than we thought. Sigh. I don't understand why flights are more now than at the end of last year. I over guesstimate always' though' so maybe it won't be as bad as we think.
No tickets booked yet, but we probably leave one month today!
certificate, and a confirmation should be provided that the provider of
the courses is authorized to conduct them (copy of the provider's
license/authorization letter).
Topics to be covered include:
*The decision to adopt internationally
* What is international adoption like for a child?
* Building the family together and resolving emotional issues
* Understanding and building attachment
* Managing behavior and building new skills
* Addressing educational issues
* Parental survival skills
* Professional medical and psychological help for your child
Luckily, CHOC has designed a course specific to Russia and it can be done via Skype. They will be contacting us when they set up a time, hopefully over several evenings ora few weekends.
In the meantime, I have made our budget... more than we thought. Sigh. I don't understand why flights are more now than at the end of last year. I over guesstimate always' though' so maybe it won't be as bad as we think.
No tickets booked yet, but we probably leave one month today!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Triggers
This is a hard one to wrap my head around because it can be so unexpected. This whole adoption process can trigger hard feelings in Kid, Mike and me, and others around us. The night terrors in all the kids of our co-students were all result of a trigger. One was going to daycare for the first time, one was after a surgery, all were seemingly normal things to the parents but all triggered an unsafe feeling in the kids. These possible triggers are carried forever too. There was an adoptee who, in her late 20's, went back to visit her orphanage to find out about herself and was instantly brought back to it all by the smell of the orphanage. Amazing.
For my own possible triggers I have to look into the future and see how Kid might possibly grow. I have to realize that when Kid has a kid it might be even harder for me since I couldn't now. There were stories of how the adoptive mum couldn't even listen to her kid talk about her growing pregnancy because of how it would trigger her own feelings of inadequacies. Another thing I never thought of but I can see me having troubles with that as I hate 'failure' and no matter what not being able to get pregnant has me feeling like I've failed someone. I feel better being forewarned about this possibility so I can hopefully not struggle so much when and if this situation occurs.
The triggers in those around us was nothing Mike or I had considered and now we are quite worried. We have someone close to us who was adopted and it never once crossed our minds that this process could trigger problems for her. We were both shaking after watching the video about Jenny's struggle to deal with who she was before she was a Fero. She had so much supressed anger since her adoptive parents didn't want to talk about her adoption or who could possibly be her biological parents. She felt a constant need to succeed and please others because she didn't want to not fit in or be seen as a failure. She clearly did a lot of things that she thought she should do but things that didn't make her happy. Without the honesty between her and her parents, Jenny kept that anger repressed and acted out through substance abuse, promiscuity and spending lots of money on clothes. Mike and I are both scared that as this person close to us watches Kid go through a similar situation it could either trigger more problems or make her want to stay at a distance. If anything does happen we hope it's that this person will help our kid understand how to better handle not-knowing. I hope we cause more good than harm with the whole adoption... it's just another part of the big picture which we did not consider and we don't want to hurt anyone.
On a more positive note, we have our last meeting for our home study this Thursday morning! It's so exciting to think we are just that much closer to having our name in Russia!
For my own possible triggers I have to look into the future and see how Kid might possibly grow. I have to realize that when Kid has a kid it might be even harder for me since I couldn't now. There were stories of how the adoptive mum couldn't even listen to her kid talk about her growing pregnancy because of how it would trigger her own feelings of inadequacies. Another thing I never thought of but I can see me having troubles with that as I hate 'failure' and no matter what not being able to get pregnant has me feeling like I've failed someone. I feel better being forewarned about this possibility so I can hopefully not struggle so much when and if this situation occurs.
The triggers in those around us was nothing Mike or I had considered and now we are quite worried. We have someone close to us who was adopted and it never once crossed our minds that this process could trigger problems for her. We were both shaking after watching the video about Jenny's struggle to deal with who she was before she was a Fero. She had so much supressed anger since her adoptive parents didn't want to talk about her adoption or who could possibly be her biological parents. She felt a constant need to succeed and please others because she didn't want to not fit in or be seen as a failure. She clearly did a lot of things that she thought she should do but things that didn't make her happy. Without the honesty between her and her parents, Jenny kept that anger repressed and acted out through substance abuse, promiscuity and spending lots of money on clothes. Mike and I are both scared that as this person close to us watches Kid go through a similar situation it could either trigger more problems or make her want to stay at a distance. If anything does happen we hope it's that this person will help our kid understand how to better handle not-knowing. I hope we cause more good than harm with the whole adoption... it's just another part of the big picture which we did not consider and we don't want to hurt anyone.
On a more positive note, we have our last meeting for our home study this Thursday morning! It's so exciting to think we are just that much closer to having our name in Russia!
Friday, April 20, 2012
Grey's Anatomy
There is no denying that Grey's is one of my favourite shows. In the past it has been referred to as a "crygasm" and I totally agree. I always look forward to discussing it with my select group of friends and family (mainly, 2 of you hahahah) and the episode tonight has mega inspired me to relate my learnings to everyone. The next post I was working on had nothing to do with this but plans change... as I know very well.
Tonight's episode had the cast evaluating a girl who had been found after a fall in the woods. X-rays and scans prove that the injuries she has sustained are resulted from long term abuse or torture. It is revealed that she is the long-time missing/abducted child after finally escaping her captor. She bonds with the first doctor to ask her what she wants/needs, rejects her parents because it's been ten-ish years even though she recognizes that they are who she should want to be with - despite her gut instincts after being 'brainwashed' and forced into a particular way of life for many years.
The parents wanted to rush in and hug her but she had to look to a doctor to see if that was something 'normal' or not. She says she knows that she should want to be with them but that she misses her captor because he wasn't always mean. When her situation was being referred to, Grey said, "someone who's been in your situation," and the girl immediately responded:
[Why do you do that? What I've been through is kicked and raped and slapped and starved. I get it... but it was my life. I didn't get to talk to him about my life with my parents and now I don't get to talk to anyone about him. I should be happy that I'm here and not there...]
The shame she was obviously feeling was so reminiscent of what was trying to be explained to Mike and me in our classes this week. What an obvious way (even though it's an awful way) to convey what we learned. The shame the adoptees felt when where they came from or what losses they sustained wasn't acknowledged sounded so much the same as what the girl from this episode was saying. Yes, the show was a fictional drama... but would anyone doubt that a trama like that would make someone's mind fight with itself in such a confrontational manner? Why would the trama a kid suffers and represses from being given up by their biological parents and living the beginnings of their lives in an orphanage not create a parallel type of confict???
Damn you Grey's Anatomy for evoking another crygasm. Mum, thank you for discussing it with me immediately, and Candy, I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow hahahaha!
Tonight's episode had the cast evaluating a girl who had been found after a fall in the woods. X-rays and scans prove that the injuries she has sustained are resulted from long term abuse or torture. It is revealed that she is the long-time missing/abducted child after finally escaping her captor. She bonds with the first doctor to ask her what she wants/needs, rejects her parents because it's been ten-ish years even though she recognizes that they are who she should want to be with - despite her gut instincts after being 'brainwashed' and forced into a particular way of life for many years.
The parents wanted to rush in and hug her but she had to look to a doctor to see if that was something 'normal' or not. She says she knows that she should want to be with them but that she misses her captor because he wasn't always mean. When her situation was being referred to, Grey said, "someone who's been in your situation," and the girl immediately responded:
[Why do you do that? What I've been through is kicked and raped and slapped and starved. I get it... but it was my life. I didn't get to talk to him about my life with my parents and now I don't get to talk to anyone about him. I should be happy that I'm here and not there...]
The shame she was obviously feeling was so reminiscent of what was trying to be explained to Mike and me in our classes this week. What an obvious way (even though it's an awful way) to convey what we learned. The shame the adoptees felt when where they came from or what losses they sustained wasn't acknowledged sounded so much the same as what the girl from this episode was saying. Yes, the show was a fictional drama... but would anyone doubt that a trama like that would make someone's mind fight with itself in such a confrontational manner? Why would the trama a kid suffers and represses from being given up by their biological parents and living the beginnings of their lives in an orphanage not create a parallel type of confict???
Damn you Grey's Anatomy for evoking another crygasm. Mum, thank you for discussing it with me immediately, and Candy, I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow hahahaha!
Monday, April 16, 2012
Identity
The issue of identity is something every person goes through... usually starting with puberty in adolesense. The struggle of identity is harder for an adoptee and even more so for an international adoptee. It is especially hard when the child doesn't resemble the parents. The parents don't see colour as being an issue but it's that constant underlying daily reminder that "I don't fit in here 100%." We may luck out with doing a Russian adoption because there is a chance Kid could be blonde haired and blue eyed just like if we had a natural born kid. This may help with attachment in the long run because he will be getting that daily validation that he belongs and not being surprised when he looks in the mirror. Physical appearance is just a small part.
The documentaries we watched all had international kids saying the same thing: "I am but I'm not." Kid will be Russian but he's not. He's Canadian but he's not. He's a Miklos but he's not. He's a Bathurst but he's not. He has a birth mum but he doesn't... He will always not quite belong. Some people struggle with this more than others but I can see how this could eat away at Kid if the differences aren't acknowledged. More often than not, being different is misconstrued as being not good enough, and for someone with attachment issues they do not want to be seen as bad or different in case someone else will leave them. Most of the cases we studied were Chinese or Korean adoptees growing up in all white communtities so there was an immense amount of room for feeling different and being slandered by other kids. None of the adoptees ever wanted to bring this up with their parents for fear of letting them down. Instead they would lose self confidence, become ashamed, and eventually depressed or angry.
No matter what country the adoptees came from, or where they grew up, they all told of similar feelings of shame and confusion as to who they really are. Even if the parents were 'colour blind' the kids never fully saw themselves through their parents' eyes. The differences were always there.
Mike and I learned that even if we don't have prejudices we do know of certain stereotypes towards Russians (but lets face it, almost everyone has made comments about communism or vodka). We have to recognize that for someone struggling to figure out who they really are and where they really belong even small comments like that could hurt. If Kid does come to us with concerns over comments made about them being Russian or being adopted we have to not brush it off and say something like 'it doesn't matter because we love you,' because Kid could easily hear an 'anyway' tacked on to the end of that sentiment. And being told that you are loved despite being something that you are can be taken as pity or feeling like you aren't as good. We have to convey the idea that it's ok if Kid gets upset/angry/sad/confused about being different and that we are willing to talk about it with him and we won't see him differently because of the talk. Just like we have to convey it's okay to be sad about losing a birth Mum or no one wanting him in Russia... none of that will make us not want him.
We have already started learning about Russian culture and the language. We want to be ready if Kid ever wants to know about it. We also learned that we must be careful to not present Kid with a "museum culture" of traditions and ceremonies from long ago but more show him how other Russian-Canadians celebrate their culture. That will be more difficult here but we will keep learning as much as we can. I'm lucky that Mike is good with history so he can talk about the history of Russia if Kid ever wants to know about that too.
It all boils down to us knowing more and being open. Even if Kid doesn't face taunting or prejudice in school we still have to know that the stereotypes are out there and he may encounter them from tv or internet. We have to be open to sharing as much or as little as Kid wants about his Russian culture. We have to be open and acknowledge that as much as Kid is ours he was someone else's first and we have to not take it as rejection if Kid wants to explore any of this! Just as easy as it is for Kid to feel like he's disappointing us if he talks of being different, we can feel like he's pushing us away or not wanting to be part of our family...
...when it all funnels down to one kid figuring out who he is.
The documentaries we watched all had international kids saying the same thing: "I am but I'm not." Kid will be Russian but he's not. He's Canadian but he's not. He's a Miklos but he's not. He's a Bathurst but he's not. He has a birth mum but he doesn't... He will always not quite belong. Some people struggle with this more than others but I can see how this could eat away at Kid if the differences aren't acknowledged. More often than not, being different is misconstrued as being not good enough, and for someone with attachment issues they do not want to be seen as bad or different in case someone else will leave them. Most of the cases we studied were Chinese or Korean adoptees growing up in all white communtities so there was an immense amount of room for feeling different and being slandered by other kids. None of the adoptees ever wanted to bring this up with their parents for fear of letting them down. Instead they would lose self confidence, become ashamed, and eventually depressed or angry.
No matter what country the adoptees came from, or where they grew up, they all told of similar feelings of shame and confusion as to who they really are. Even if the parents were 'colour blind' the kids never fully saw themselves through their parents' eyes. The differences were always there.
Mike and I learned that even if we don't have prejudices we do know of certain stereotypes towards Russians (but lets face it, almost everyone has made comments about communism or vodka). We have to recognize that for someone struggling to figure out who they really are and where they really belong even small comments like that could hurt. If Kid does come to us with concerns over comments made about them being Russian or being adopted we have to not brush it off and say something like 'it doesn't matter because we love you,' because Kid could easily hear an 'anyway' tacked on to the end of that sentiment. And being told that you are loved despite being something that you are can be taken as pity or feeling like you aren't as good. We have to convey the idea that it's ok if Kid gets upset/angry/sad/confused about being different and that we are willing to talk about it with him and we won't see him differently because of the talk. Just like we have to convey it's okay to be sad about losing a birth Mum or no one wanting him in Russia... none of that will make us not want him.
We have already started learning about Russian culture and the language. We want to be ready if Kid ever wants to know about it. We also learned that we must be careful to not present Kid with a "museum culture" of traditions and ceremonies from long ago but more show him how other Russian-Canadians celebrate their culture. That will be more difficult here but we will keep learning as much as we can. I'm lucky that Mike is good with history so he can talk about the history of Russia if Kid ever wants to know about that too.
It all boils down to us knowing more and being open. Even if Kid doesn't face taunting or prejudice in school we still have to know that the stereotypes are out there and he may encounter them from tv or internet. We have to be open to sharing as much or as little as Kid wants about his Russian culture. We have to be open and acknowledge that as much as Kid is ours he was someone else's first and we have to not take it as rejection if Kid wants to explore any of this! Just as easy as it is for Kid to feel like he's disappointing us if he talks of being different, we can feel like he's pushing us away or not wanting to be part of our family...
...when it all funnels down to one kid figuring out who he is.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
School: Part 1
I say part one because it will probably take me weeks to write about all my feelings and thoughts from our International Adoption Training. I wasn't quite sure what we would do at this international training but it was wonderful to be part of so much discussion and hear about what to expect and, above all, to feel validated in our choice to do this! Intention was discussed on the first day and there are many reasons that adoption can be chosen but not everyone has thought about the fact that an adoptee is automatically a child with special needs. Mike and I adopt Kid and Kid adapts to us. That's not easy and it all stems from loss.
Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete. Kid loses his parents. Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home. The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this. It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings. Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving. It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision. We have lost the idea of a biological child. I have dealt with and accepted this. Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid. It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on." Well, that did it for me. I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child. It was his hesitance that scared me. He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him. Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said. This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving! I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.
That was revelation number one.
Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption. Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage. Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays. I had honestly not thought of this. There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting. And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside. It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents. We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution. They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.
I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding. Both are necessary for a deep relationship. Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us. It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely. It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment. It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them.
This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid. Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid. It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us, don't have people visiting the house right away. This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important. We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that. Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while. Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey! It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid. We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it. And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.
That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training. I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored. It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.
Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete. Kid loses his parents. Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home. The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this. It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings. Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving. It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision. We have lost the idea of a biological child. I have dealt with and accepted this. Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid. It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on." Well, that did it for me. I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child. It was his hesitance that scared me. He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him. Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said. This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving! I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.
That was revelation number one.
Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption. Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage. Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays. I had honestly not thought of this. There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting. And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside. It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents. We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution. They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.
I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding. Both are necessary for a deep relationship. Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us. It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely. It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment. It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them.
This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid. Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid. It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us, don't have people visiting the house right away. This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important. We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that. Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while. Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey! It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid. We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it. And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.
That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training. I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored. It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I'm Clearly an Eager Beaver
After downloading and reading all of the guides and forms required for immigration it turns out I can't send them in until we are approved by the province as adoptive parents. I guess I was just rushing ahead, but you can understand why! I want to be a mum! On the plus side, I think we acutally only have to fill out two of the 7 forms for the sponsor part of the application. I am the primary sponsor, Mike is the co-signer, Kid is the primary applicant. I have to keep that in mind while reading the forms or I start to fill in my information where no information is required since it is unknown who Kid is.
I was speaking to the lady in charge of international adoption applications for the province and asking her about training programs. Most places require the PRIDE program but NS has made a new International Adoption training program. It was first made because China required this training for their applicants as it had more information specific to international issues as well as standard adpotive family issues. The feedback from the fall session was great and now the province has decided to make it manadatory for all international adoptions. The big difference between China and Russia in regards to applications is that China requires the parents to complete this course before they can apply whereas she was fairly certain Russia didn't have that stipulation. The province simply requires it is complete before the child comes home. She is going to get back to me with a for sure on that but if her inclinations are the case than that is one less hold up for us since we can go ahead with the home study and not worry about having to first wait for the next training session! This will also help pass the wait time since it can be done in between steps.
In the meantime I keep filling out forms and saving them for when it is time. I keep emailing and calling several different contacts to ensure I am not missing anything. I feel like I'm going to annoy some people with the amount of questions I have!
I was speaking to the lady in charge of international adoption applications for the province and asking her about training programs. Most places require the PRIDE program but NS has made a new International Adoption training program. It was first made because China required this training for their applicants as it had more information specific to international issues as well as standard adpotive family issues. The feedback from the fall session was great and now the province has decided to make it manadatory for all international adoptions. The big difference between China and Russia in regards to applications is that China requires the parents to complete this course before they can apply whereas she was fairly certain Russia didn't have that stipulation. The province simply requires it is complete before the child comes home. She is going to get back to me with a for sure on that but if her inclinations are the case than that is one less hold up for us since we can go ahead with the home study and not worry about having to first wait for the next training session! This will also help pass the wait time since it can be done in between steps.
In the meantime I keep filling out forms and saving them for when it is time. I keep emailing and calling several different contacts to ensure I am not missing anything. I feel like I'm going to annoy some people with the amount of questions I have!
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