well, it's Christmas...

I'm not feeling it this year.  Whatever, I can Grinch it up for once.

Dear Mak, today was to be our first full day together.  Karma kicked it differently though... I hope you are warm and happy.  I know you don't celebrate today but I am supposed to.  I will be thinking of you and drinking wine and reading about yoga.  I have vowed to get more spiritual.  I need some help.  I never even met you but I miss you.  A heck of a lot.
XOXO, Mum that never was.

Thank you to my family.  You get me and have been great.  I can't wait to hug you tomorrow and see with my own eyes that you are ok.  Now I'm crying again... And at work.  Bah hum bug.



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Seriously Grey's?!?!?!

Why does she pursue an international adoption at the same time.  Why does she lose the kid and then get it back?  Why does she get pregnant after?  I am SO hooked on this show and, yes, it makes me cry like a baby each week.
This week she is showing my fear for the next offer.  She has miscarried and now is pregnant but not acknowledging it.  She doesn't look at the screen of the ultrasound or tell anyone.  I feel like that is already the way I am thinking for the next offer.  There is always a chance and CHOC was telling me it was a rare possibility but it happened... it could happen again... When do I tell?
GAH!
I am just so concerned with how disappointed people were.  My sister shows up with wonderful and amazingly thoughtful gifts and I had to tell her her prospective nephew was a no-go.  I made her cry when I told her (sorry katie, but i have to say it because you are one person who I never want to make feel bad...at least, anymore).  Again, I KNOW it's not ME... but if I want to appear as the happy messenger I would literally have to wait to say ANYTHING until the 30 days after the court hearing when the papers are finally in our hands.  How do I hide two or three trips to Russia and all of the excitement pouring out of my heart!?
Holy moly! WAY too much to think about.  I need to tell... I need to share... I need people to know why I am suddenly sad when something like what JUST happened happens...

One Week Later...

Yesterday was the first time I felt hopeful again.  I was walking Leia and had a thought that it would be sooner than we expect (but not AS soon as this time).  It was a great feeling and made me stop on the path... stop and smile.

Then last night I dreamed about this situation.  I had received a package from the president of Russia (remember, dream) and he was completely aware of our situation.  He apologized for the rarity of our circumstance and said he could propose a child to us right now but we only had an 8% chance of being able to take him home in June when he was done being fostered.  He said he had blonde hair and looked more like us.

WTF, mate!?

I woke up thinking it was extremely weird - and nothing like my prophetic 2 year old brunette vision (which I still hold to be true).  BUT! at least my subconsciousness is thinking of the future.

I then received a Christmas card wishing me excitement and love this holiday - especially with our wonderful new addition.  I had the initial heart-hurt but then I thought about how embarrassed he was going to feel when he finds out.  I thought he knew.  Crap.

It hasn't even been a week yet (one week ago tonight I was sitting at my dining table with my mum and sister and eating celery, whipped peanut butter, cheese, and sour cream and onion Special K crackers.  We were talking about the play, the trip, Christmas, the future...

No matter what happens, the future is always there, and I'm at least looking forward with a smile again. 

Heartbreak

I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it.  It is such a different kind of loss.  We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting.  It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around.  We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers.  Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.

My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer.  Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.

Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through.  I cried a lot - all over Mike.  I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me.  I know he is hurting too.  He has lost the same.

I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in.  I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home.  When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful.  They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice.  They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night.  They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves.  As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.

I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone.  I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that.  Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything.  The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again.  I love you all and feel for you too.  I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time. 

A Step Back

Well, here is our new hiccup.  Mak's mom has applied for him back.  It is sad, yes, but hopefully she can prove she is capable so that he doesn't wait out this process to just go back on the list.

I just received the email and it was very upsetting (want to throw up in a different way now) but I was thankful my mum and sis were here.  I am also thankful this didn't happen after we met him.  We were told things like this can happen but CHOC was still upset and concerned for us.

The ministry of education didn't have any appropriate other candidates at this time so we wouldn't have to cancel our plans.  We have to wait again now.

I hope the new year means more candidates will have spent the appropriate amount of time on the national lists and can now go international.  I feel awful saying that I feel better not feeling so rushed but obviously this has happened for a reason.  Maybe some little guy is there who doesn't have a mom that was able to fix herself up and care for a child so fate needs us to see to him and not Mak... I still say two year old boy... it's what I saw.

It's just very upsetting I won't have a chance to make those sad, brown eyes smile.  He is still so much in my heart that I am worried this hiccup for him won't work out.  He always will be in my heart.  This was Mike's and my first glimpse at being parents and it was so special.  We may have lost him but he is hopefully getting his real mom back because of our loss.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and wishes and keep sending out the good vibes.  It all started faster than expected so maybe my original inclination that June was the time will still be correct...

Sigh.

We love you Mak!

Magic?

While visiting Hogsmede, Mike and I got a wand that corresponds with our anniversary... Guess who's birthday it also corresponds with...

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There's an App for This Too!

I am learning key words and phrases through a recently purchased app.  I review in between scenes in the pantomime and coworkers can find me muttering to myself in the backroom and down the aisles at work.  In the last two days I learned: cat, dog, bedroom, I love you, please, thank you, hello, goodbye, son.

I also printed a few photos so that I can assemble a small album to leave with Mak so he will hopefully remember our faces and learn what his bedroom, the dog and the cat will look like so they aren't as surprising.

I keep getting stomach flips when I think that it is only 17 sleeps away.  Like, puke worthy stomach flips.

I have also made info packages for both of our parents so they will have copies of our itineraries, passports and visas, and important phone numbers of the CHOC reps.  I also have a package for us with the same and more of the numbers so we can contact our mobile providers and banks and credit cards.  I loved that I could log my future travels with an automated teller through Capitol One.

Even writing this I am having stomach flips!  Still lots to figure out before this trip and then even more before the following one!

20 sleeps!

I've had gut wrenching, non-sleeping, feelings the last few nights.  It's hard to describe.  I'm not looking for sympathy or smart ass comments about, "well, welcome to parenthood" because yes, I understand parenthood is an expensive and spontaneous venture.  I am just describing my feelings for those who care to know.

I almost shit a brick when we booked the flights and hotels.  This happening this soon has left us "unbudgeted" for the rest of this process.  We had help with the first installment of the Russian fee and were not expecting to have to pay the second half until spring when we were thinking our first trip would be.  Five weeks to come up with the same amount that we just gave and then another several thousand for the trip itself.  THEN we will have to repeat the several thousand in a few months for our second trip.  YIKES!  We honestly thought we had more time.  Needless to say, I had a mini panic attack and kept running figures in my head all night when we booked it all Thursday.  It is going to be extremely tight until we hit April, or so.

The second thing keeping me awake is (surprise, surprise) the fear of letting people down.  If this process doesn't go through to completion (which I am trying so hard not to think) it will, most likely, be because of my medication and mood disorder.  It will be my fault that I have to leave Mak there.  I will let Mike down (again) by robbing him of the chance to have a child, and then disappointing all of you who have been so supportive and loving.  I know I can be irrational but it is impossible not to worry about these things that could hinder the chance to live a full life with Mak.

In the meantime, I keep hitting the stage and dancing and singing to bide my time, and keep ticking things off of our seemingly endless to-do list.  It is soooooo worth the worry though (hopefully). 

Locked In

Flights and hotels booked!  We had our itinerary approved and the hotel had a good address so we just booked it all!  I seriously feel like I could throw up!  It's like a kid before Christmas times a gajillion and nerves because we switch planes so many times that I worry about delays or lost luggage (which would mean lost clothing donations).

I am seriously shaking right now.

I will copy all of our confirmations tomorrow, deposit the purolator'd cheque for the Moscow CHOC representative, figure out how much we will need to have on hand to pay all of our drivers, interpreters, and hosts while we are there. I am also making a photo album for Mak.

The album is so we can leave 'us' there with him.  It will also have pictures of Leia and Howie (who, by the way, will be living the high life with K&T while we are away - thanks!) and his room so that we can hope he recognizes it when he finally gets here.

We will also be compiling an album, for his future reference, about the orphanage, city, and our journey there.  We want to show him that we recognize that he has history before us - we may not know a lot about it but we are not ashamed or in denial over it either.  I have also decided that every year, for Christmas, Mak will give his grandparents the gift of a donation to the orphanage.  While visiting I will ask about our ability to send packages, either through CHOC or regular mail, each year to help give back to what gave him to our family.  I have also saved all the emails from everyone who has shown excitement over his possibility and I am writing a journal to him about my feelings from the moment he was offered to us.  He may want to read them all one day, he may not.  The option will be there, bursting with love, if he ever chooses to explore it.

Wow.  It is happening very fast but it is HAPPENING!

Mayhem and Madness Ensue

But it's all for Mak!!1

I just joked to a friend that Mike and I might kill each other before we get to Russia!  Planning this trip on this short notice is quite stressful.  At the end of the day, though, we look at Mak's picture and know that it is worth it.

It has been difficult trying to figure out our timeline.  The reps from CHOC speak Russian as a first language so sometimes their emails can be confusing to understand.  We have to make sure to keep asking the same questions to ensure the same answers and I have also started to sum up the 'what I understands' and having her correct them as necessary.

After four business days of, what feels like, millions of emails a day I have succeeded in figuring out the following (it has her answers tacked onto the ends of the statements):

1. Leave Canada on the 21st to allow for weather related delays. OK

 

2. Land in Moscow and stay in hotel until morning of 24th.  Are we able to have a rep meet us and take us to our hotel? OK, I just got the updated price list for the services of our reps in Moscow , I attached it hereby.

 

3. Morning of the 24th fly to UFA .  Again, are we able to have someone take us from the hotel to the airport? Yes

 

4. Be picked up at airport by a driver and taken to meeting at MoE at 1pm. In Ufa our reps will meet you and take to MOE

 

5. After meeting have driver take us to orphanage. Our reps will go with you.

 

6. Stay the night of 24th with host family. Yes. From 24^th till early morning of 27^th

 

7. On the 25th, spend day at orphanage.  Is this when we have the DMP check out the child? You will have DMP on 24^th or on 25^th . Our reps will inform you once they meet you in Ufa .

 

8. Stay the night of the 25th with host family. Yes

 

9. Spend the 26th at the orphanage and stay the night with host family again. Yes

 

10. On the 27th, have a driver take us to Ufa and fly to Moscow early in the morning. Yes

 

11. Have a rep meet us at the airport and take us to the clinic for specialist appointments. Yes

 

12. Stay the night in a hotel in Moscow. Hotel has to be in downtown Moscoe. Please check with us the location before booking it

 

13. On the 28th, do we go to the clinic again? Yes

 

14. Stay the night in a hotel in Moscow.Yes

 

15. On the 29th, have a driver take us to the airport and fly to Canada ? Yes

 Wowza!
It took awhile but I nailed it down last night and got these confirmations.  Now we can look more seriously at booking flights and hotels because we have dates.  

We have also spent time getting the last half of the Russian fees in order and mailed off.  Mike, thankfully, tackled the opening of a USD bank account, getting and mailing the appropriate cheques and drafts.  CHOC then mails us back an amount that is to be signed over to their Rep in Ufa.  This is where some hostility erupted... I'm over it now but it was just one of those details that was obvious to me but not to him.  This, I told him, is why I get nervous relinquishing control of aspects to him.  He has also helped us secure dog care while we are gone (thanks to I&D or J!) and having someone clear our massive amounts of sidewalks if it snows while we are gone (thanks so much K!)

We will do our best to show all of our appreciation for everything!  I already felt so much joy telling all of our references the good news that they helped produce!  I also went shopping today to pick up gifts for our host family, translator, driver while in Russia.  Just cute items that transcend language barriers!

I also picked up birthday cards for those who celebrate while we are gone; Christmas gifts for the kids which need to be mailed before we leave; Covering my shifts at work, since I was supposed to work Christmas; and getting a doc appointment to renew my prescriptions that run out while we are away and ensuring that Mak has a place in his clientele when we return.

That is all as of now... (I feel like that last sentiment is a HUGE downplay on what the ALL is).

And while this is all going on, the play opens tomorrow night and I have five shows a week until four days before I stop work LOL!

Man, I love his chestnut eyes and sweet little mouth!  He WILL know how much excitement is drummed up around him!  Those efforts are another post for another day! 

Now that Most People Know...

Monday we were sent an email from CHOC that asked us to see how fast we could process travel visas because there was a feeling that there would be an offer soon, possibly for December 24th.  I was at work and I was completely floored!  NEVER did we expect to even 'possibly' hear this soon.  It has been five weeks since our papers were sent over to Russia!

I immediately jumped on to the visa applications and it turns out it takes 12 days to process.  I told CHOC and said I would await their call.  This is when CHOC tells me they won't be calling.  They have to offer a possible child to our provincial government first and then NS offers us the child.  Wheels started turning.  I asked if CHOC was able to tell me when they have forwarded an offer or even any of the details regarding the child.  CHOC tells me they are not able to tell me ANYTHING.  OK!  I start to buzz because how else would CHOC have a possible date and be encouraging us to fill out visas if there hasn't been an offer?  I now knew I wouldn't sleep...

Wednesday morning I'm at work on the phone with a food representative and my cell phone rings.  I see it is an unknown caller and know that Family Services always appears as unknown.  I immediately hung up on the rep and answered the cell.  It was the head of Family Services!!!

Lo and Behold!  We are being offered a boy!  He just turned two at the end of October.  The description we received is as follows:

The boy is active, emotional, sociable, he speaks by simple words, understands orders, can walk.

And the photo melted me. 

He has a name but if everything goes according to plan we will be Canadianizing it slightly when custody is official.  His name is Makerov Maxim.  Instantly I was enamoured with Makerov (I've always liked names with v's) and had shortened it to Mak.  I find out a few hours later that Russians often go by their middle names.  Too late.  He isn't a Max to us, he's a Mak.  We won't say the first name until we know we have custody but for now, Mak Miklos?  sounds awesome!

We have told people but still request no public postings until we have the date - which I now know will come on MONDAY!

This is so amazing and so wonderful.  It is hard to describe the emotions that I went through but I will give it a go -

I didn't react to the call the way I expected.  There was a not a blubbery mess of tears.  I was definitely and  obviously happy and excited but I am pretty sure I was in a state of shock for 36-ish hours.  I immediately called Mike and told him and then ran around the store telling everyone.  I even saw the teller from the bank who sold me the last bank draft for the Russian Consulate and I showed him the photo and hugged him (only to later think that might have been uncomfortable for him)!  I was told several times that I was visibly shaking and stayed that way all night and next day.  Mike and I were both pretty speechless sitting together that night.  We just kept asking 'are you alright' and then smiling.  Our minds were made up even though we had a doctor looking over the file we were pretty sure nothing was going to stop us from pursuing this boy.

Thursday started the same way Wednesday night ended - I was buzzing.  I started to tell friends and family (beyond the parents whom already knew now) and it wasn't until reading one response that the immense awesomeness of this situation hit me like a tonne of bricks!  There are two ways that I can best describe the feeling.  One is that it felt like I literally shed a second skin and that it was so heavy that the sudden lightness made me fall to the floor.  I had dropped to my knees and just started bawling and laughing.  The second way is that suddenly Mak became three dimensional.  Up to this moment he had been the picture and nothing more.  I had even stood in his room the previous night but couldn't see him there.  Now I could picture holding his hand, him coming down the stairs with me standing at the bottom, eating breakfast with him, him rocking in the chair with me... it was an endless flood of three-dimensional opportunity!

WOW!

WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!

More to come when I know more too.  Monday, as soon as I have the date, my status will be updated for the world to see my joy!

Travel Visas

Now that the immigration forms are done until we have Kid's info I must miss filling out forms since I downloaded the guide to filling our online Visa applications.  Single Entry Business Visa is what we require once we have dates and destinations.  This guide is WAY smaller.  The only downside to this is having to list all of the countries traveled to in the last ten years.  Me?  I'm fine.  Mike on the other hand...

Every single deployment that crossed borders must be entered!  Have fun with that Mike! 

Boo Ya!

Finally got our Immigration approval!  Yeah!  I left work as soon as I could and got the money order for the Russian Consulate to authenticate the letter and mailed it all off!  That was officially the last bit of paperwork before our proposal could be made.  It makes sense that Russia can't offer us a child until they know we are doing this legally...

Success!

I finally got through to the ability to hold for next available operator.  I guess the trick is to have a client id.  I checked my status, even though I know it, because that allowed me to indicate that I was a client.  Then I selected to speak to an operator.  It then gave me the same recording but it didn't hang up after 10 seconds of elevator music!

I was able to ask what I'm supposed to do about the missing signature of someone we don't know and who won't be able to sign anyway and the missing background declaration.

The answer?

I'm supposed to sign Child Miklos.  Then write that on the background document and n/a for everything else on that form.

Wow.  That seemed a lot of hassle for a little writing. 

Maybe if they had picked up the phone...

Our Immigration application was bounced back to us.  We failed to include our unknown baby's signature and background information...  We also needed a different Financial Evaluation (although I filled out the one the instructions told me to).  So, if that was ALL that was wrong that's pretty damn good considering I could NEVER get through to ask what I should do.  I included a cover letter and added little notes stating that the information would follow when we knew who Kid was but I guess that didn't cover our omissions adequately?  I wrote the agency to ask for help - most times this whole application are not filled out until the kid is known so maybe they know the trick to this first part.  I will also resume the phone calling tomorrow.  I might try the line for the deaf or hard of hearing just so I can get through... I have hearing damage, it's not QUITE a lie.  In the meantime, I have already filled out the financial form they requested - it was almost the same so it took no time at all.

oh i feel a headache coming on...

Different Feeling of Excitement

It moved faster than I thought! I was under the impression we had to wait for the letter from immigration before we could have our files sent over to Russia - nope! We can forward that letter later! It's all ready to go!!!!!

 Mike just mailed our first half of the Russian fees to CHOC! Last night a new feeling of excitement hit me. It's like I know I'm pregnant and waiting for the ultrasound where I can first see the baby and find out the sex! Oh wow, I'm tearing up again right now LOL!

 The following is an excerpt from the CHOC timeline documents. I thought I'd include it so you can see what we see. HOLY MOLY! Next week we hit step nine!!!!!!

 step 8) 6 to 8 weeks CHOC assembles dossiers (one set is assembled for initial submission/application to the regional MoE offices; another is assembled for submission to the local court. Dossiers include the homestudy and supporting documents from parents and government agencies). CHOC notarizes the dossiers, couriers them to CMFA and Russian Consulate for authentication and legalization, and sends legalized packages by international courier to CHOC in Moscow.

 step 9) ~6 weeks CHOC in Moscow has the English dossiers translated to Russian, has the translations certified and notarized, and couriers them along with the original English versions to the CHOC regional representative for initial submission/application to the regional office of Ministry of Education (MoE) and in/for future submission to court.

 step 10) 12 to 52+ weeks The regional CHOC representative walks the dossier into the regional office of the MoE and drops it off at the desk of the MoE regional officer. The regional officer will decide when to register the dossier as having been submitted (it may sit on his/her desk for an unspecified period of time before s/he gets around to registering it. Sometimes, the officer may ask for additional documents or clarification of a document or additional medical information on the family, etc, before accepting and registering the dossier). When a child becomes available (that is, a ward of state that has fulfilled a minimum of 2 months' time on the local or regional data bank and a further 6 months' time on the federal data bank and is now available for international adoption, having had no Russian nationals express interest in adopting the child or taking the child into a guardianship program, and furthermore, providing it is now the parents' turn and the child fulfils the parents' criteria), the MoE regional adoption officer will pass on to the CHOC rep, either an oral or a written invitation to the family for an appointment with the MoE or, along with this invitation, s/he may also pass along some preliminary information about the proposed child.

Again, HOLY MOLY!

It's Ready to Go!

Wow! Surprise to me! We don't have to wait for the letter from the CIC. CHOC emailed me the invoices for the Russian fees saying it's ready to go as soon as they receive the payment. YEAH! That was sooner than I thought. They can just forward on the letter from CIC whenever it arrives, since it's not really a complete form without Kid's name anyway! I had another vision too. I really think Kid's a boy. Strange since we both went into this process assuming a girl - no reason why, we just did. I also feel like June is going to be a key month. Hell, I was crying at work when I figured all this out yesterday! YEAH!!!!

Part one: Done and Done!

Yes! Application for sponsorship mailed. We really HAVE finished what we can for this step. All we need to do (other than send more money orders, lol) is to wait for the letter from Citizenship and Immigration saying they've accepted our application for sponsorship of an unknown Russian child and get a copy of our social worker's license. THAT'S IT! I've never felt so unencumbered yet during this process. We are now on vacation for a weekend of anniversary celebration. It's kind of fitting that the four year marriage mark is also the mark of this next step passing beyond our control. Here you go fate, you've treated me good thus far, let's see who you bring us. Happy Anniversary Mike. I love you and am proud of us!

Mailed!

It felt really good. Now to concentrate on Citizenship and Immigration.

The Wait is Over!

Well, this wait, at least! We received the amended pages for our homestudy. They came in the mail - that's why the wait was longer! I had actually emailed our social worker yesterday and asked if they had given her a time frame when she submitted her report. She wrote back to say that we should be hearing soon. I expected a phone call, like last time, but this was a bonus. Happy Anniversary to us! They will probably be receiving our final police checks, the amendments, and the last two signed pages for the Ministry of Education of Bashkortostan on our anniversary Thursday. I think it's the last signatures... I know it's not the last of the money orders! This is really exciting! It's not the end of September timeline I had in my mind, but it is damn close! I am in a community theatre group doing a pantomime. This will help pass the wait time up to Christmas... I should start making plans for after that! YEAH!

Only One More Piece

We got our police checks-again.  We are just waiting on the hone study to be returned.  I expect it soon; it was 3-4 weeks the first time and that is right where we are now.

I am thinking we are just going to send in the immigration stuff as is.  I will attach a cover letter and explain why we are doing this first part only.

I think I contemplated how to mail this waaaaaay too long.

Sent from my HTC

Can I Please Hold the Line?

I've been trying to get through to Citizenship and Immigration for three days! It doesn't let you hold the line, it disconnects if there are no available agents. I do know that they do not accept aggressive behaviour or language and that I may be warned that my call will be terminated if I choose to use such actions. i also know that my call may be recorded for quality assurances but if I choose not to have my call recorded I must inform them. Then I get about four bars of elevator music, three rings and another recording informing me that there are no agents and to try my call later and that their least busy days are Thursday and Friday. I tried so frequently today and yesterday. Why can't I just hold the line to ask my three questions?

It's Been Awhile...

Guess what? We're waiting for a document... surprise, surprise! Ha! Seriously though, we have only the amended home study left to wait on. We got our new passports. They came in a week! I'm so glad I didn't pay to get the rush order. Once we have the amended study we have to get another police check (they expire every three months). Then we mail it off with the 9 new forms we have to sign (all for the Russian Consulate and Ministries). I have all the immigration forms filled out. Just waiting a bit before paying the fee. sigh. So many fees. I am still hopeful for having it all sent off by the end of this month. 20 days left.

karma

I hope Russia knows how hard I cheer and hope for their Olympic victories. My sister is doing it too... Awesome. We have also been gathering the last of the documents needed for our dossier, of course more were required (hey Russia! Way to just win gold on the uneven bars! Yes! Gymnastics are awesome!) after we thought we had it all. We needed written letters from four references. Awesome knowing how much my friends and family appreciate our love for their kids! I will never not cry when I think of what you have done to help us!

Fate is a Gut-Wrencher

Bashkortostan is the only region that agreed to look at our file and try to work with it.  Mike and I have had a lot of heart-to-hearts and examined as many 'what ifs' as we could think of and decided to go ahead and try.  There has to be a reason that only one region is willing to look at our dossier!


Last Thursday night

I had left messages at the numbers that were forwarded to me by CHOC.  The couple from Richmond Hill phoned back and was so extrememly helpful I probably cried a hundred times.  The first thing I asked about was the 8 specialist exams that we have to go through as it plagues me the most as what can ruin us.  The couple (henceforth referred to as D & S) told us not to include the depression on the medical forms.  I mentioned my doctor couldn't legally refrain from mentioning it because of the current prescriptions.  They then said to mention it as minimally as possible.  My form says, "patient had a depressive episode in 2003, on medication to prevent relapse." I hope that is minimal enough to not warrent concern on their end.  As for the actual exams done by the specialists there, they sound like they are very much a procedural matter and not particular at all (thank gods!)  It sounds like you spend less than 10 minutes with each and then wait for the HIV test results.  Easy... but still, they are nerve wracking for me.

I asked about the orphanage next.  D told me it is run by a group of ladies, and she thinks they might be volunteers, and they obviously care so much for the kids.  She said it was clean and well run and that they were so grateful for the donations of diapers.  She said the kids were well mannered and well fed.  The food is very plain, oatmeal, potatoes, juice, not a lot of milk, but that there is enough that no kid looked hungry.  They were proposed a girl.  She was just over one year old and their process was quite quick and such a lovely experience.

S told me about all the contacts that we would meet if we get the chance to go over.  There are two apartments where we could stay and the drivers and the adoption representatives, and he remains in contact with all of them.  S & D are also going through their second adoption now.  He told me about the court hearing and how it seems intimidating at first (big court room in Moscow, prepared statements, etc) but he said it also seemed as if the lawyers seemed bored as they probably do many of these a day.  D said when she started her statement she brokedown and completely deviated from it to speak directly from the heart.  She said she had the judge in tears.  At the end of it the judge leaves the room to review everything, then comes back in to make her ruling.  It was after hearing this that I decided if we could make it to the judge we would be ok.  The love we have to give and who we are will outshine any marks on our medical records.  S also told me he was told in Russia the stats arethat  if the children are not placed in a good home that they will likely end up in jail or dead by the time they are 25.  He felt that the lawyers knew that.  He also asked CHOC how many adoptions they have had that didn't go through and the answer was three.  Two of those three were because the parents changed their minds.  I like those odds.

We are going to meet with D & S in August.  We will meet their little girl, who is now almost 4, and see photos of the actual orphanage where Kid will hopefully be.  We will see pictures of the city and hear more about their experience.  We have a tentative timeline for the trips and will be able to put it better together once we see and hear about another's experience in the same place.


Present Day:

Big deep breath.

The dossier is being prepared (translated, notarized) CHOC is contacting our provincial government and finalizing the forms we need.  We also have to acquire one last letter from the psychiatrist.

After, all I can do now is hope they accept the dossier as a workable one.

As it is now...

As it stands now it is what it is.  The doc appointment didn't leave me with the review I wanted but it is still favourable... And scary.  It has taken me six sleeps to be able to coherently figure out my thoughts and, you know, we still have a solid grasp that hints are right  -  but I also believe that' s parenting.  It#s a big giant grey area.

Ok, so I now have a yes checked on the vital medical form that was only given to us after we submitted our home study and paid six grand.  All of the new info regarding these new forms says we will be rejected.  I am so upset and angry that the agency did not forward this super vital black and white medical exam to us prior to all of our correspondence.  It would have saved then work and us heart ache.  Ok, at this time there is still a few hours left in the Ontario business day for the agency.  We have no answer to emails and no answer to phonecalls...repeatedly...  Like, super major repeatedly.  At this point I have assumed choc has messed up our application.  Why didn't this form come before we paid?  How much will we get back even though we assume an argument will ensue because we signed papers. In our defense we signed things and did things long distantly and concurrently.  If this form had been given to us from the start it would have saved choc work and us heartache.  We are prepared for court to settle this.

Mike is my super hero.  He is on the phone while I am incoherent.  He has already contacted our second choice agency ( he didn't remember it was our second choice but knows they will work out of province.  This is an agency for Bolivia.  He has flat out asked then about my depressive episode and how it would factor in our case.  A return back, within an hour, says it wouldn't.

It is now six our time and we call it quits for contacting Ontario.  We now discuss an age that we finally decide, "ok, enough.  We won't be parents.". Without prior discussion we had both said the same time frame.

Four sleeps later

A different employee at choc has emailed me that our case worker has left.  This accounts for no answers last Friday.  She answers that she doesn't think a region would work with us.  I look at Russia like Canada and see the divisions as provinces.  I know that is not the technical term for them but either way only one light work with us.  One out of 14 or 16 in the biggest nation in out of world thinks I might not be ok to be a mum.  Might!

I tell the new choc contact that I need more than a might in order to continue this process.  I know no adoption is final until the court hearing, but I need to know a region will look at us and accept us as hopeful parents1

This one region will.  She sends all kinds of info that makes it sound hard and scary.  It all sounds like what you would read on aNy tourism website.  It has to list the worst in order to prepare everyone.

We still need to wait on our decision to go ahead.  I know this region will try, but we also now need an 8 medical specialist exam while we are there, including a psychiatrist.  This scares me as it is the only doc that could block us.

I want to know will they be looking at history or how we are prepared to deal with the special needs of an adoptive child... Choc can't give me those answers, they give me phone numbers of other couples who have adopted through this region.   I now wait to discuss with them, mainly the medical exams.

Not looking promising anymore

'nuff said.

Fwd: Another sigh.

Sent from my HTC

----- Forwarded message -----
From: "q_mik@yahoo.com" <WgzwsLIlZ/xE7uUNLr2heg==
>
To: <jessmik.russia@blogspot.com>
Subject: Another sigh.
Date: Mon, Jul 9, 2012 6:08 pm


It looks like certain regions in Russia will not accept you if you are medicated for anything.  Me with my mood disorder, or asthma, thyroid etc.  Wow!  I'm very upset by this but I know I have to keep moving forward with the process and keep hoping... It is just getting hard when I keep having curveballs thrown at me.   Bah!  Still waiting to hear from my doctor now...




Sent from my HTC

Jessa 3.0

30th birthday today.

It's just a number... but I find myself sad.  I think it's because I truly expected to be a mother by this age.  Especially because I met Mike at 23 and KNEW with all my heart that this was a man I wanted to marry and have kids with him. It didn't turn out that way... it's ok, I'm just bummed.

We are also looking at a later timeline for our name getting to Russia.  Mike had his appointment with the base doctors and they ticked off 'yes' under mental disease on our additional forms.  The form I previously mentioned that if a 'yes' appears it won't even be a considered application... shit.  I got quite upset that day.  Mike is supposed to be the easy one for that form!  He is, of course, appealing to the doctors and telling them why we need it to say 'no.'  His appointment is at the end of August - the time when I wanted our whole dossier being sent to Russia.  Sigh.  At least CHOC is doing their job by ensuring we aren't going to pay to apply just to be denied.  God, I hope this works out.

I had some follow up appointments with some specialists in regards to trying to find out why I can't conceive.  Still no answers but I officially had the funniest/strangest comment said to my by a doctor.  The doc who did my cervical biopsy last year had me in to double check there were no changes.  It was quick and easy but as she was leaving, with one breath, she says, "well, you have a great cervix and a great purse.  Bye!"

Who says that in the same sentence?!?!

So, I can at least take heart knowing that if Russia doesn't like my head problems I have a great cervix and purse.

The Appointment

I just returned from my appointment with my GP.  He looked at the form and said he wanted to review all the details in my file so he can fill it out so it's most positive for me.  He also said that there "is obviously nothing here that will prevent [me] from being a parent."  Well, that felt good to hear! Thank you!

I did kind of wish he just ticked the boxes and signed his name and license number, assumedly so Russia can check that he's a credible doctor!  I understand that he wants to make an informed and accurate report.  He said he will call when he is completed.  Waiting?  Pshaw!  A week is nothing!

I will hopefully hear from the social worker soon to see if she has had discussions with CHOC yet.  Mike has his appointment with his doctors too... his will be be a quick tick of the boxes and he'll be done.

And we're moving forward again.

My Intention...

I was given "ohm work" at yoga.  My instructor said I had to write down my intention and see what happens.  During tonight's practice I had made my intention "acceptance."  I had been looking for help within myself for accepting my circumstances.

Let me back track just a little first...

The room we painted for kid had hardly been stepped in for the first year we lived here.  Once it was blue I kept sitting in there and wishing it had harder floors for me to practice yoga.  The want to practice yoga more lead me to join an actual yoga studio and not just take classes at the gym.  The studios are blue.  A very similar blue to what I have chosen to decorate with...

My intention is acceptance.

I already have accepted that I am inexplainably infertile.  I need to accept that if I am denied because of my mental health issues it wasn't meant to happen with this country (I just REALLY feel like Russia is where Kid is).  I accept that it is all a big "what if" right now and I need to stop looking so far into the future and focus on the next step.  I need to accept that I can't help who I am and that I am OK.

My intention is acceptance that I WILL be a mother...

I Feel Even More "Broken"

I recieved an email today, from CHOC, telling me that the mental health issues are a real concern.  We have to have additional medical forms filled out, revise our homestudy to omit any details and descriptions, and hope for the best... I don't like it.  I feel like it's another diagnosis telling me I'm not having kids.

The medical form asks the doctors if we suffer from a list of diseases.  If we have any 'yes' answers I was told Russia will not accept us.  They take the mental and physical health of the prospective parents very seriously.  I feel like yelling back, "I take MY health seriously too!"  The category that could break us is listed as Mental Disease.  Yes or No.  That's it.  I guess I have to see if my doctor considers what I have a disease or not.  Myself?  I do not.  It's a condition which is very manageable, much like acne or male patterned baldness.  I had a good bout of depression nine years ago, but I never had a "Major Depressive Episode" as described in many Government of Canada health reports (and wikipedia) - I just googled and read so much because this is so upsetting to me and I wanted to see if minor depression is repeatedly cited as a disease.  I will have to discuss this with my doctor and hope for the best outcome... because the current outcome isn't looking so hot.

And even if he does fill it out in my favour, Russia might still say 'no.'   I have emailed CHOC and asked about their experiences with couples like Mike and I being denied.  I'm scared as hell to read that answer.  I have to stay proactive though - if I don't I might actually accquire a mental disease because blind hope might drive me mad.

GAH!

We got the money order, had the package sealed and dropped it in the mail.  We get home and there's a phonecall saying that the Dept. of Community services has our Criminal Record checks still!!!  I don't know what they have because we had embossed pages that said we had no criminal records.  Mike will pick them up from the office tomorrow and we'll see if they look different.  It just bites that it might be a split shipment therefore doubling the chances of something getting lost.

and the depression bites me in the ass again...

We hit hitch number one today.  Our social worker called to say that she has found out Russia may have a problem with the mental health aspects of our medical assessments.  We both have battled depression but I will always be on medications and my psychiatrist noted as such.  She also noted there was nothing leading her to believe that I couldn't parent a kid.  In the long run I don't think this will really stop our adoption but it was my biggest concern that my mental health history would be a hindrance.  It looks like CHOC will decide if we need more medical forms filled out once they have reviewed our dossier.  GAH!  just another hiccup that i caused...

I got the money order today though... tomorrow we mail out the package once we write a cover letter to ask that they pay attention to the mental health issues and get us the forms that need to be filled out.  Our social worker did say we could open the packcage.  I have our approval letter!!!! It is clearly just for us and not something we need to forward to CHOC.  Is it weird I want to frame it?

After it all sunk in...

Ok, It didn't really hit me until a few hours after we got the phone call.  I think we were both just taken so unawares because we had received an email that said our criminal record checks appeared to be copies and not originals.  We decided to just get them redone instead of tracking down the originals and I had mine but we were waiting on Mike's.  Looks like the office found them though!

I picked up the package yesterday.  It felt AMAZING.  It's on the kitchen table now; I get to see it every time I walk through the main floor.  I emailed the agency and they were excited that we got the approval quickly.  Next week we send the dossier off to CHOC along with thier adoption fees - thanks to my helper again!  After they receive it I will ask about their current case load and how long they think it will take to process for Russia.  Their timeline says it can be anywhere from 6 to 16 weeks.  End of August is an ok assumption and fits with my hoped for timeline.

After filling out the immigration forms I think I am going to enlist the help of an outside source to help me ensure I have everything.  It's confusing because some forms only ask for one sponsor, and I am the primary sponsor, but then I wonder if we should each be filling one out.  Over and over the guides warn you that if it's not filled out fully they will mail it back.  I don't want that to happen.  I have a whole page of questions to ask and I'm hoping the 1800 number will help but I get the feeling they are there more to just direct you to which forms you need and not to help you fill them out.  I did figure out where to get things notarized but I don't know now if all copies need to be or not... so many what if's! 

Heck Ya!

We are now approved to be adoptive parents in the province of Nova Scotia!

YEAH!

Mother-to-be's Day!

I got my first two Mother's Day cards.  The first was a darling creation by my dear Sophie.  It is now currently displayed on my fridge and is ever so sparkly!  I'm so impressed with her writing skills!  And the second was a tear-jerking card from a wonderful friend.  Also love the internet love from my sis - when is "aunt-to-be's day?

I can't wait to make father's day stuff for Mike!  Yeah crafts!

immigration

43 page guide to filling out the first 3rd of Kid's access to Canada.

http://www.cic.gc.ca/english/information/applications/guides/5196ETOC.asp

Likeness

I got a little sad today when I realized  I won't have that seeing-the- "likeness" between Kid and our baby pictures.  That is one thing that I love seeing in kids and their parents... the genetic resemblences.  I love how quickly it changes - like when Sophie was born and how she looked so much like the women from Tori's side of the family, but now she looks so much like Eric.  It's amazing what genes can do.  I loved genetics best in biology class and learning about dominant traits and how they can be passed with recessive too.  I know that because Mike was blonde as a kid and I am blonde now any genetic kid would have had blonde hair (can only be present when two recessive genes are present, therefore we can only each pass on a recessive gene creating the recessive gene in kid), and the same goes for blue eyes.  (Yes, I probably really dumbed that down and someone like Tori, who is a genius when it comes to this stuff, could point out flaws.  Just go with it, k?)  I got sad, almost like a nostalgic sad, when I thought of how I wouldn't be able to say, "that's Mike's impish grin," or, "the shape and colour of his eyes are the same as mine."  This is part of the loss with which I have to deal.  I figure Kid will eventually look like us anway because he'll adopt our mannerisms and people can say, "look at how he stands.  That's so Jessa."  Just as long as he doesn't hand talk as much as Mike!  I just wanted to share because I said I would share as much as I can about this whole process and well, I've got nothing but time to think now.

Our Homestudy was hand delivered to the Provincial Goverment today.  Now awaiting the stamp of approval.

Allow me to Elaborate

Allow me to try and better explain how amazing I feel:

It's like we've been trying for three years to get pregnant and just found out I am!  I never doubted that we would be recommended for approval for adoptive parents, but there was always the possibility that something mundane or crazy would delay it or create an obstacle.  After so much proving that we would be good parents it's an affirmative that a respected social worker declares us just so!  This is literally the last thing we can do to create that possibility of Kid.  I see it the same way as conception, after months and months of trying, it is your moment where you say, "it worked!"  Yes, there is still tonnes of prep work before you meet your baby, but the point is that your baby is there.

Kid is now more of a reality than before because we have the recommendation that will allow us to eventually meet him.

So, our next steps are to await the province's stamp of approval so we can forward the homestudy to CHOC.  Then CHOC compiles our dossier and sends it to Russia.  We fill our Immigration sponsorship forms out and wait... and wait... and wait...  but at least now the waiting has a point because we know once our province stamps the approval there's nothing stopping us!

Feels so Good!

When I held the small packet of photographs in my hand I teared up because that was the last thing we needed for our homestudy.

After our meeting with our social worker today I can't stop tearing up because it's done now!  Our homestudy is a few short edits from being completed and will be submitted by the end of the month.  She is recommending our approval and has enjoyed getting to know us.  I can't thank her enough or all of our references.  She has been so assuring and positive and has made this homestudy an unstressful process.

Holy moly!  It feels so good to be done this step!

Triggers

This is a hard one to wrap my head around because it can be so unexpected.  This whole adoption process can trigger hard feelings in Kid, Mike and me, and others around us.  The night terrors in all the kids of our co-students were all result of a trigger.  One was going to daycare for the first time, one was after a surgery, all were seemingly normal things to the parents but all triggered an unsafe feeling in the kids.  These possible triggers are carried forever too.  There was an adoptee who, in her late 20's, went back to visit her orphanage to find out about herself and was instantly brought back to it all by the smell of the orphanage.  Amazing.

For my own possible triggers I have to look into the future and see how Kid might possibly grow.  I have to realize that when Kid has a kid it might be even harder for me since I couldn't now.  There were stories of how the adoptive mum couldn't even listen to her kid talk about her growing pregnancy because of how it would trigger her own feelings of inadequacies.  Another thing I never thought of but I can see me having troubles with that as I hate 'failure' and no matter what not being able to get pregnant has me feeling like I've failed someone.  I feel better being forewarned about this possibility so I can hopefully not struggle so much when and if this situation occurs. 

The triggers in those around us was nothing Mike or I had considered and now we are quite worried.  We have someone close to us who was adopted and it never once crossed our minds that this process could trigger problems for her.  We were both shaking after watching the video about Jenny's struggle to deal with who she was before she was a Fero.  She had so much supressed anger since her adoptive parents didn't want to talk about her adoption or who could possibly be her biological parents.  She felt a constant need to succeed and please others because she didn't want to not fit in or be seen as a failure.  She clearly did a lot of things that she thought she should do but things that didn't make her happy.  Without the honesty between her and her parents, Jenny kept that anger repressed and acted out through substance abuse, promiscuity and spending lots of money on clothes.  Mike and I are both scared that as this person close to us watches Kid go through a similar situation it could either trigger more problems or make her want to stay at a distance.  If anything does happen we hope it's that this person will help our kid understand how to better handle not-knowing.  I hope we cause more good than harm with the whole adoption... it's just another part of the big picture which we did not consider and we don't want to hurt anyone.

On a more positive note, we have our last meeting for our home study this Thursday morning!  It's so exciting to think we are just that much closer to having our name in Russia!

Grey's Anatomy

There is no denying that Grey's is one of my favourite shows.  In the past it has been referred to as a "crygasm" and I totally agree.  I always look forward to discussing it with my select group of friends and family (mainly, 2 of you hahahah) and the episode tonight has mega inspired me to relate my learnings to everyone.  The next post I was working on had nothing to do with this but plans change... as I know very well.

Tonight's episode had the cast evaluating a girl who had been found after a fall in the woods.  X-rays and scans prove that the injuries she has sustained are resulted from long term abuse or torture.  It is revealed that she is the long-time missing/abducted child after finally escaping her captor.  She bonds with the first doctor to ask her what she wants/needs, rejects her parents because it's been ten-ish years even though she recognizes that they are who she should want to be with - despite her gut instincts after being 'brainwashed' and forced into a particular way of life for many years.

The parents wanted to rush in and hug her but she had to look to a doctor to see if that was something 'normal' or not.  She says she knows that she should want to be with them but that she misses her captor because he wasn't always mean.  When her situation was being referred to, Grey said, "someone who's been in your situation," and the girl immediately responded:

[Why do you do that?  What I've been through is kicked and raped and slapped and starved.  I get it... but it was my life.  I didn't get to talk to him about my life with my parents and now I don't get to talk to anyone about him.  I should be happy that I'm here and not there...]

The shame she was obviously feeling was so reminiscent of what was trying to be explained to Mike and me in our classes this week.  What an obvious way (even though it's an awful way) to convey what we learned.  The shame the adoptees felt when where they came from or what losses they sustained wasn't acknowledged sounded so much the same as what the girl from this episode was saying.  Yes, the show was a fictional drama... but would anyone doubt that a trama like that would make someone's mind fight with itself in such a confrontational manner?  Why would the trama a kid suffers and represses from being given up by their biological parents and living the beginnings of their lives in an orphanage not create a parallel type of confict???

Damn you Grey's Anatomy for evoking another crygasm.  Mum, thank you for discussing it with me immediately, and Candy, I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow hahahaha!

Identity

The issue of identity is something every person goes through... usually starting with puberty in adolesense.  The struggle of identity is harder for an adoptee and even more so for an international adoptee.  It is especially hard when the child doesn't resemble the parents.  The parents don't see colour as being an issue but it's that constant underlying daily reminder that "I don't fit in here 100%."  We may luck out with doing a Russian adoption because there is a chance Kid could be blonde haired and blue eyed just like if we had a natural born kid.  This may help with attachment in the long run because he will be getting that daily validation that he belongs and not being surprised when he looks in the mirror. Physical appearance is just a small part.

The documentaries we watched all had international kids saying the same thing:  "I am but I'm not."  Kid will be Russian but he's not.  He's Canadian but he's not.  He's a Miklos but he's not.  He's a Bathurst but he's not.  He has a birth mum but he doesn't... He will always not quite belong.  Some people struggle with this more than others but I can see how this could eat away at Kid if the differences aren't acknowledged.  More often than not, being different is misconstrued as being not good enough, and for someone with attachment issues they do not want to be seen as bad or different in case someone else will leave them.  Most of the cases we studied were Chinese or Korean adoptees growing up in all white communtities so there was an immense amount of room for feeling different and being slandered by other kids.  None of the adoptees ever wanted to bring this up with their parents for fear of letting them down.  Instead they would lose self confidence, become ashamed, and eventually depressed or angry.

No matter what country the adoptees came from, or where they grew up, they all told of similar feelings of shame and confusion as to who they really are.  Even if the parents were 'colour blind' the kids never fully saw themselves through their parents' eyes.  The differences were always there.

Mike and I learned that even if we don't have prejudices we do know of certain stereotypes towards Russians (but lets face it, almost everyone has made comments about communism or vodka).  We have to recognize that for someone struggling to figure out who they really are and where they really belong even small comments like that could hurt.  If Kid does come to us with concerns over comments made about them being Russian or being adopted we have to not brush it off and say something like 'it doesn't matter because we love you,' because Kid could easily hear an 'anyway' tacked on to the end of that sentiment.  And being told that you are loved despite being something that you are can be taken as pity or feeling like you aren't as good.  We have to convey the idea that it's ok if Kid gets upset/angry/sad/confused about being different and that we are willing to talk about it with him and we won't see him differently because of the talk.  Just like we have to convey it's okay to be sad about losing a birth Mum or no one wanting him in Russia... none of that will make us not want him.

We have already started learning about Russian culture and the language.  We want to be ready if Kid ever wants to know about it.  We also learned that we must be careful to not present Kid with a "museum culture" of traditions and ceremonies from long ago but more show him how other Russian-Canadians celebrate their culture.  That will be more difficult here but we will keep learning as much as we can.  I'm lucky that Mike is good with history so he can talk about the history of Russia if Kid ever wants to know about that too.

It all boils down to us knowing more and being open.  Even if Kid doesn't face taunting or prejudice in school we still have to know that the stereotypes are out there and he may encounter them from tv or internet.  We have to be open to sharing as much or as little as Kid wants about his Russian culture.  We have to be open and acknowledge that as much as Kid is ours he was someone else's first and we have to not take it as rejection if Kid wants to explore any of this!  Just as easy as it is for Kid to feel like he's disappointing us if he talks of being different, we can feel like he's pushing us away or not wanting to be part of our family...

...when it all funnels down to one kid figuring out who he is.

Video excerpts!

School: Part 1

I say part one because it will probably take me weeks to write about all my feelings and thoughts from our International Adoption Training.  I wasn't quite sure what we would do at this international training but it was wonderful to be part of so much discussion and hear about what to expect and, above all, to feel validated in our choice to do this! Intention was discussed on the first day and there are many reasons that adoption can be chosen but not everyone has thought about the fact that an adoptee is automatically a child with special needs.   Mike and I adopt Kid and Kid adapts to us.  That's not easy and it all stems from loss.

Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete.  Kid loses his parents.  Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home.  The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this.  It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings.  Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving.  It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision.  We have lost the idea of a biological child.  I have dealt with and accepted this.  Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid.  It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on."  Well, that did it for me.  I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child.  It was his hesitance that scared me.  He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him.  Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said.  This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving!  I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.

That was revelation number one.

Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption.  Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage.  Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays.  I had honestly not thought of this.  There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting.  And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside.  It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents.  We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution.  They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.

I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding.  Both are necessary for a deep relationship.  Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us.  It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely.  It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment.  It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them. 

This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid.  Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid.  It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us,  don't have people visiting the house right away.  This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important.  We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that.  Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while.  Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey!  It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid.  We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it.  And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.

That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training.  I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored.  It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.