Yesterday was the first time I felt hopeful again. I was walking Leia and had a thought that it would be sooner than we expect (but not AS soon as this time). It was a great feeling and made me stop on the path... stop and smile.
Then last night I dreamed about this situation. I had received a package from the president of Russia (remember, dream) and he was completely aware of our situation. He apologized for the rarity of our circumstance and said he could propose a child to us right now but we only had an 8% chance of being able to take him home in June when he was done being fostered. He said he had blonde hair and looked more like us.
WTF, mate!?
I woke up thinking it was extremely weird - and nothing like my prophetic 2 year old brunette vision (which I still hold to be true). BUT! at least my subconsciousness is thinking of the future.
I then received a Christmas card wishing me excitement and love this holiday - especially with our wonderful new addition. I had the initial heart-hurt but then I thought about how embarrassed he was going to feel when he finds out. I thought he knew. Crap.
It hasn't even been a week yet (one week ago tonight I was sitting at my dining table with my mum and sister and eating celery, whipped peanut butter, cheese, and sour cream and onion Special K crackers. We were talking about the play, the trip, Christmas, the future...
No matter what happens, the future is always there, and I'm at least looking forward with a smile again.
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