Heartbreak

I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it.  It is such a different kind of loss.  We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting.  It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around.  We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers.  Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.

My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer.  Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.

Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through.  I cried a lot - all over Mike.  I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me.  I know he is hurting too.  He has lost the same.

I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in.  I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home.  When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful.  They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice.  They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night.  They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves.  As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.

I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone.  I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that.  Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything.  The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again.  I love you all and feel for you too.  I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time.