I've had gut wrenching, non-sleeping, feelings the last few nights. It's hard to describe. I'm not looking for sympathy or smart ass comments about, "well, welcome to parenthood" because yes, I understand parenthood is an expensive and spontaneous venture. I am just describing my feelings for those who care to know.
I almost shit a brick when we booked the flights and hotels. This happening this soon has left us "unbudgeted" for the rest of this process. We had help with the first installment of the Russian fee and were not expecting to have to pay the second half until spring when we were thinking our first trip would be. Five weeks to come up with the same amount that we just gave and then another several thousand for the trip itself. THEN we will have to repeat the several thousand in a few months for our second trip. YIKES! We honestly thought we had more time. Needless to say, I had a mini panic attack and kept running figures in my head all night when we booked it all Thursday. It is going to be extremely tight until we hit April, or so.
The second thing keeping me awake is (surprise, surprise) the fear of letting people down. If this process doesn't go through to completion (which I am trying so hard not to think) it will, most likely, be because of my medication and mood disorder. It will be my fault that I have to leave Mak there. I will let Mike down (again) by robbing him of the chance to have a child, and then disappointing all of you who have been so supportive and loving. I know I can be irrational but it is impossible not to worry about these things that could hinder the chance to live a full life with Mak.
In the meantime, I keep hitting the stage and dancing and singing to bide my time, and keep ticking things off of our seemingly endless to-do list. It is soooooo worth the worry though (hopefully).
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