Identity

The issue of identity is something every person goes through... usually starting with puberty in adolesense.  The struggle of identity is harder for an adoptee and even more so for an international adoptee.  It is especially hard when the child doesn't resemble the parents.  The parents don't see colour as being an issue but it's that constant underlying daily reminder that "I don't fit in here 100%."  We may luck out with doing a Russian adoption because there is a chance Kid could be blonde haired and blue eyed just like if we had a natural born kid.  This may help with attachment in the long run because he will be getting that daily validation that he belongs and not being surprised when he looks in the mirror. Physical appearance is just a small part.

The documentaries we watched all had international kids saying the same thing:  "I am but I'm not."  Kid will be Russian but he's not.  He's Canadian but he's not.  He's a Miklos but he's not.  He's a Bathurst but he's not.  He has a birth mum but he doesn't... He will always not quite belong.  Some people struggle with this more than others but I can see how this could eat away at Kid if the differences aren't acknowledged.  More often than not, being different is misconstrued as being not good enough, and for someone with attachment issues they do not want to be seen as bad or different in case someone else will leave them.  Most of the cases we studied were Chinese or Korean adoptees growing up in all white communtities so there was an immense amount of room for feeling different and being slandered by other kids.  None of the adoptees ever wanted to bring this up with their parents for fear of letting them down.  Instead they would lose self confidence, become ashamed, and eventually depressed or angry.

No matter what country the adoptees came from, or where they grew up, they all told of similar feelings of shame and confusion as to who they really are.  Even if the parents were 'colour blind' the kids never fully saw themselves through their parents' eyes.  The differences were always there.

Mike and I learned that even if we don't have prejudices we do know of certain stereotypes towards Russians (but lets face it, almost everyone has made comments about communism or vodka).  We have to recognize that for someone struggling to figure out who they really are and where they really belong even small comments like that could hurt.  If Kid does come to us with concerns over comments made about them being Russian or being adopted we have to not brush it off and say something like 'it doesn't matter because we love you,' because Kid could easily hear an 'anyway' tacked on to the end of that sentiment.  And being told that you are loved despite being something that you are can be taken as pity or feeling like you aren't as good.  We have to convey the idea that it's ok if Kid gets upset/angry/sad/confused about being different and that we are willing to talk about it with him and we won't see him differently because of the talk.  Just like we have to convey it's okay to be sad about losing a birth Mum or no one wanting him in Russia... none of that will make us not want him.

We have already started learning about Russian culture and the language.  We want to be ready if Kid ever wants to know about it.  We also learned that we must be careful to not present Kid with a "museum culture" of traditions and ceremonies from long ago but more show him how other Russian-Canadians celebrate their culture.  That will be more difficult here but we will keep learning as much as we can.  I'm lucky that Mike is good with history so he can talk about the history of Russia if Kid ever wants to know about that too.

It all boils down to us knowing more and being open.  Even if Kid doesn't face taunting or prejudice in school we still have to know that the stereotypes are out there and he may encounter them from tv or internet.  We have to be open to sharing as much or as little as Kid wants about his Russian culture.  We have to be open and acknowledge that as much as Kid is ours he was someone else's first and we have to not take it as rejection if Kid wants to explore any of this!  Just as easy as it is for Kid to feel like he's disappointing us if he talks of being different, we can feel like he's pushing us away or not wanting to be part of our family...

...when it all funnels down to one kid figuring out who he is.