School: Part 1

I say part one because it will probably take me weeks to write about all my feelings and thoughts from our International Adoption Training.  I wasn't quite sure what we would do at this international training but it was wonderful to be part of so much discussion and hear about what to expect and, above all, to feel validated in our choice to do this! Intention was discussed on the first day and there are many reasons that adoption can be chosen but not everyone has thought about the fact that an adoptee is automatically a child with special needs.   Mike and I adopt Kid and Kid adapts to us.  That's not easy and it all stems from loss.

Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete.  Kid loses his parents.  Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home.  The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this.  It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings.  Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving.  It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision.  We have lost the idea of a biological child.  I have dealt with and accepted this.  Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid.  It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on."  Well, that did it for me.  I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child.  It was his hesitance that scared me.  He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him.  Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said.  This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving!  I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.

That was revelation number one.

Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption.  Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage.  Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays.  I had honestly not thought of this.  There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting.  And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside.  It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents.  We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution.  They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.

I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding.  Both are necessary for a deep relationship.  Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us.  It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely.  It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment.  It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them. 

This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid.  Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid.  It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us,  don't have people visiting the house right away.  This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important.  We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that.  Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while.  Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey!  It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid.  We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it.  And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.

That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training.  I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored.  It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.