Good Grief...

Seriously - good grief.

I went to a grief councilor today.  It was recommended to me.  I never thought that all the anger I have is grief but, HELLO!, one of the classic five stages of grief!  It was the first of a few, and a major 'get to know you,' sessions.  I did get a lot out of it and I look forward to the next one.  I feel bad always talking to Mike about things because he doesn't see things the same way or always knows what to say.

I told her about how work is such a trigger for my anger and that I'm not used to it.  She said that it's ok and good that I'm letting myself feel that anger by leaving the work floor and either crying or breathing it out by myself for a few minutes.  She also said it's good that I have cried.

She said I needed to do more for myself.  She said that if I hadn't wanted to "do" Christmas that that was ok and I could have stood my ground because it was what I needed (and now I have residual anger over that whole holiday too!).  She told me that I also needed to find something for me because I went from having hope,things to do to feel productive about the adoption, AND my play to having nothing to do -all in one shot.  She also told me to continue writing.  As previously stated, I was writing in a journal to Kid once he had a name... I stopped after saying that I lost him.  She suggested turning it into a journal for me or starting a new one for this in between stage plus the new proposal.

She said I needed a project for Kid too.  I spent all this time prepping for Kid and now I have nothing left to do so, make something useful to do!  I'm going to go to the fabric store tomorrow and look over patterns and see what's out there.  She told me where to look for community art/active classes.  I just missed the sign up for the winter session but at least I know where to look later on.  She said I also needed to take an hour to myself, at least 3 times a week, in order to FEEL and accept the grief.  I can feel angry or cry, or whatever, but I need to do that and then leave it there...

I DO feel a bit better all around though.  We did something positive for ourselves in order to re-establish our hope (or maybe, mainly, just mine).  I think it worked.  I saw the fruits of our results today and I am quite satisfied.  I will share it all on here eventually... a bit more time..

In the next week I plan to take those hours, go to the fabric store to explore a new project, and continue to write for me.  I was going to by a new journal as my original intent was to leave my writings for Mak if this fell through (I had thought if it fell through it'd be because of my medication and not because his Mom came back)but he won't be coming to Canada and learning English and I'm not paying a translator to make my writings Russian.  Ergo, I thought I should continue to write in that beautiful journal (which I had been saving for a special writing occasion) and poor into it all of my ugly thoughts.   Then, for future reference and hopefully, all my the ugliness will be sandwiched between the beauty and hope of my want and being a mum.

Good grief!