I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it. I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!
There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried. There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt. There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store. You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.
I do have to apologize to my cousin R. I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected. I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood! For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:
It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years. There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance). Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life). The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought. At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like. I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open. It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach. I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?" She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up. I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked. R, I am very sorry. J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys! I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew. I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood. I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!
Home was supposed to be a healing trip. I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need. I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing. I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer. I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).
It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel. I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).
I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too. We almost made it without crying with each other. It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that. Honestly? I don't know. I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph. She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos. I never thought of it that way. I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage. I still don't know what I think of my answer to that. It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.
I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma! I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!
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