Counciling Homework

I was told to find a project.  My first instinct was to find something that had to do with Kid - so I felt progress towards the adoption.  I had been shown the adoption maternity photos and enlisted the help of Paul Clarke Photography and created some beautiful images.

Thank you so much Paul.
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.

They have given me something to look at and to focus.  I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through.  I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy.  Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on.  I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.

My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me.  I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work.  I will see how I feel.  I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!

I had excitement from a project for the home.  I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
 It is now done and I feel I did it too fast.  sigh.

I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.

The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things.  She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough.  Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page.  She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing.  I agree.  Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about.  I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me.  I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak!  I wrote about the stupid customers at work.  I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently.  I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do.  Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders.  It felt good.  I wrote and wrote and wrote.

The councilor also asked me to start singing again.  She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped.  I don't sing in the shower.  I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities.  I don't sing along with the radio.  She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced.  She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.

Well, that's it now.  Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do.  Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense.  It will.  That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week.  It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.

In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing.  LOL!