I have forced myself to sing and dance around the kitchen everyday. It feels good. I can't believe how I had stopped singing! I had even stopped in the backroom at work... it is so obvious now that I am forcing it. It will become natural soon enough though.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
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