Good Grief...

Seriously - good grief.

I went to a grief councilor today.  It was recommended to me.  I never thought that all the anger I have is grief but, HELLO!, one of the classic five stages of grief!  It was the first of a few, and a major 'get to know you,' sessions.  I did get a lot out of it and I look forward to the next one.  I feel bad always talking to Mike about things because he doesn't see things the same way or always knows what to say.

I told her about how work is such a trigger for my anger and that I'm not used to it.  She said that it's ok and good that I'm letting myself feel that anger by leaving the work floor and either crying or breathing it out by myself for a few minutes.  She also said it's good that I have cried.

She said I needed to do more for myself.  She said that if I hadn't wanted to "do" Christmas that that was ok and I could have stood my ground because it was what I needed (and now I have residual anger over that whole holiday too!).  She told me that I also needed to find something for me because I went from having hope,things to do to feel productive about the adoption, AND my play to having nothing to do -all in one shot.  She also told me to continue writing.  As previously stated, I was writing in a journal to Kid once he had a name... I stopped after saying that I lost him.  She suggested turning it into a journal for me or starting a new one for this in between stage plus the new proposal.

She said I needed a project for Kid too.  I spent all this time prepping for Kid and now I have nothing left to do so, make something useful to do!  I'm going to go to the fabric store tomorrow and look over patterns and see what's out there.  She told me where to look for community art/active classes.  I just missed the sign up for the winter session but at least I know where to look later on.  She said I also needed to take an hour to myself, at least 3 times a week, in order to FEEL and accept the grief.  I can feel angry or cry, or whatever, but I need to do that and then leave it there...

I DO feel a bit better all around though.  We did something positive for ourselves in order to re-establish our hope (or maybe, mainly, just mine).  I think it worked.  I saw the fruits of our results today and I am quite satisfied.  I will share it all on here eventually... a bit more time..

In the next week I plan to take those hours, go to the fabric store to explore a new project, and continue to write for me.  I was going to by a new journal as my original intent was to leave my writings for Mak if this fell through (I had thought if it fell through it'd be because of my medication and not because his Mom came back)but he won't be coming to Canada and learning English and I'm not paying a translator to make my writings Russian.  Ergo, I thought I should continue to write in that beautiful journal (which I had been saving for a special writing occasion) and poor into it all of my ugly thoughts.   Then, for future reference and hopefully, all my the ugliness will be sandwiched between the beauty and hope of my want and being a mum.

Good grief!

Isn't it Ironic?

My favourite photography subject is a pregnant woman.  I had never photographed on until a friend asked me a few years back.  That subject is just the most beautiful I can imagine.  It's a tad ironic that I won't have my own glowing photos...

It's okay.  I have ideas.

My cousin was talking to me about maternity photos and she said, as she gazed out her window at what was a pretty snow scene, she wished more ladies would do maternity shoots in the snow.  The next day I had a wonderful message from an old friend and she concluded by emphasizing that I must continue to BELIEVE.

This is the result of those two bugs that were swarming around in my brain for many days now...

Unconditional Comfort

So, after having a 'down' day I call my mum.  I always want to talk to her when I have worries or sadness.  She makes it go away.

I want that kind of relationship with someone younger.  I want to be looked to for unconditional comfort.

Mum had a bad day too.  She told me I made her feel better.  That felt good to return the favour. 

Deep Breath

Three months ago was when we sent off our dossier to Russia.  This was when we first expected to possibly hear something.  What a past few months!

Today was the first day I started to feel like "before this bad business."  Funnily enough, it was listening to my boss and my British coworker exchange meanings of culturally derived slang.  They both were saying the same word but didn't realize it and I had the pleasure of hearing the whole thing.  It was just the pronounciation of the a (as in apple vs. all) that was different but my boss thought there was a silent t and she couldn't understand him at all!  I was almost doubled over laughing at them trying to say it in the opposing person's familiar manner.  All over ONE syllable!

It has also helped talking things out more to Mike and letting him know how ANGRY I have been.  This really is the first time in this whole process that I have felt really bitter over some people that have kids when I can't.  Angry to the point where I'm biting back comments and shaking at the restraint to not lash out at the person screaming at her kid or putting cola in his bottle.

I also went to see my psychiatrist.  I was so afraid to because than the visit is on my medical record and Russia already sees me as 'tainted' somehow because I have depression and mood problems that have been under control for the past 7 years... Trust me, if I was an out of control depressive than I would have lost it by now.  She refereed me to some counseling options through Mike's work that I wasn't aware existed.  I just need grief counseling essentially.  It seems as if the one stage I can't get past is, you guessed it, anger! LOL!

Soon.

I've started a new positive project for this journey and look forward to seeing the results in a few weeks.  I will, of course, share them as soon as I have them.

Thanks for listening.

Makes me Want to Vomit

Well, I've been trying to understand the whole Russian ban on US adoptions.  When Russia first declared the ban I had read, in US newspapers online, that it was all in retaliation to a human rights law that says Russians adopted into the US who violate this law are essentially excommunicated even though they are raised, and currently, American.  That is what I gathered was the ULTIMATE problem.  It may be unrelated.  Either way, history has had a few really bad outcomes with US people adopting Russians, and Russia has always been pissed off.  Now, USA passes the Magnitsky act that bans particular Russian 'bad guys' (extortionists, spies, etc) from the country.  USA passes this law and then Russia announces the adoption ban.  These two may be completely separate from each other but they also might be directly related.  Again, this is only as I understand it.  I heard of the ban on December 28th and I directly went online to look into this matter. 

Now Canada is considering passing this Magnitsky act too.  What the hell does this mean for us?

I want to vomit thinking that Russia will ban adoptions from Canada too.  I also look at the bigger picture and see that we don't have the same human rights laws that essentially say you are only really American if you are born in America...

I am so sick to my stomach.  I asked CHOC and they told me that they have no information but hope that this won't affect Canadian adoptions.

I feel utterly defeated.  I feel like I will never become a mum.  The closest will be me having a photograph in a drawer and me being a babysitter.

Mike is remarkably less shaken.  He just says we pick a new country.  I can't keep facing rejection over and over.  I can't keep spending thousands of dollars getting to this point and having to start over.  I don't want to bankrupt us to become a parent - how the heck will I support a child in that instance?

I feel nauseous daily and now I don't expect it to lessen up at all. 

Les Miserables cryfest

First of all, I have to say that I feel for the 46 couples in the states that have just had the same heart break as me.  I know what it feels to be offered the chance at being a mum and then losing it due to something way beyond your control.  I would like you all to know that if this situation results in a repairing with me and Mike the child will be sooooo loved.  I know that's not what you want to hear but I have had to tell myself something very similar in order to come to terms with my loss.

I saw Les Miserable on the weekend.  I knew I would cry because music always makes me cry and there are a lot of needy kids.  There was one part where I thought my heart was going to leak out of my chest due to pain.
They wrote a new song for the movie and holy heck did it shake me to my soul.  Valjean is singing to a sleeping Cosette after he first adopts her:

“Suddenly I see

Suddenly it starts

When two anxious hearts

Beat as one.

Yesterday I was alone

Today you walk beside me

Something still unclear

Something not yet here

Has begun.

Suddenly the world

Seems a different place

Somehow full of grace

And delight.

How was I to know

That so much love

Was held inside me?

Something fresh and young

Something still unsung

Fills the night.

How was I to know at last

That happiness can come so fast?

Trusting me the way you do

I’m so afraid of failing you

Just a child who cannot know

That danger follows where I go

There are shadows everywhere

And memories I cannot share

Nevermore alone

Nevermore apart

You have warmed my heart

Like the sun.

You have brought the gift of life

And love so long denied me.

Suddenly I see

What I could not see

Something suddenly

Has begun.”

DAMN YOU HUGH JACKMAN!

I found the lyrics from this blog:
http://julianstark-moviesandotherthings.blogspot.ca/2012/10/les-miserables-first-look-at.html

Here's My Beef:

I'm not really a Debbie Downer right now, more like a Debbie Duller, but that still doesn't mean I want to discuss it.  I understand some people may not know and when they see me they want to ask about my trip... when I say it didn't happen and respectfully use a tone of voice that conveys 'end of topic'... DON'T ASK MORE QUESTIONS! TITS!

There hasn't been a day since December 7th that I haven't cried.  There hasn't been a day that my heart hasn't hurt.  There hasn't been a day where I haven't suddenly started hating (yes, hating) the morons that treat their kids like shit while shopping in my store.  You don't need to know anymore past - it didn't happen.

I do have to apologize to my cousin R.  I feel awful for my reaction but it was just the last thing I expected.  I know we will laugh at the memory next Christmas but WOW! what a way to dampen the party mood!  For those that weren't present, let me set the scene for you:

It's the first full family reunion on my mum's side in umpteen years.  There's always someone missing (usually me due to distance).  Even my cousin J's step sons are there (who are wonderful and made me smile so much that I emphatically hope that my vision of a boy stays true and that it wasn't just indicating Mak's short presence in my life).  The topic of Russia has been pleasantly tabled since everyone knew... or so I thought.  At the first lull in conversation R sits up and exclaims, "How was Russia?!?!"
I can only imagine what my face looked like.  I could only see her smile and wide eyes and, sitting to the left of her, my dad's mouth drop fully open.  It felt like my heart had just been squeezed with an iron fist and that I had ice cubes in my stomach.  I looked straight at her and said (warning, I know this may be politically incorrect but I was taken so off-guard that it just came out), "are you fucking retarded?"  She looked so shocked and then I quietly said, "it's not happening," and she started tearing up.  I look back and feel awful for that reaction but I was so shocked.  R, I am very sorry.  J, I am sorry too for saying that in front of your and S's boys!  I assumed you knew because your dad and the rest of the family knew.  I hope my dad's ribbing of R being the instant party killer made up for my sullen mood.  I love you both and was so excited to send his photo to you when I first got it!

Home was supposed to be a healing trip.  I don't know if I healed... I don't know if healing is even the right term for what I need.  I didn't get angry at home (I was able to avoid those moronic parents that don't deserve kids and surround myself with friends and family and their wonderful growing households) and I didn't feel obligated to pretend I was OK - which is so refreshing and freeing.  I got to see all my grandparents and people whom I hadn't planned on seeing until the summer.  I had a very low-key new years and caught up on sleep (if such a thing is even possible).

It was wonderful to be back with Mike and discuss how I feel.  I really need to be honest about how much this has affected me so that he understands any mood swings and I don't go crazy or get depressed (me with an already diagnosed mood disorder doesn't need anymore fuel to prevent me from getting a kid).

I had a lovely visit from cousin T here too.  We almost made it without crying with each other.  It was the last night when we were going to bed that she asked me if I could have had that offer taken away so that it never happened would I want that.  Honestly?  I don't know.  I said, 'yes,' to T because it hurts so much that this was the closest I've ever been to being a mother and it was only a single photograph.  She then said she didn't believe me since I am still holding onto the photograph and a few other mementos.  I never thought of it that way.  I hid the last remaining photo and put a piece of art into a drawer so that I wouldn't have to look at it; I couldn't stand the thought of putting his chestnut eyes and pouty face into the garbage.  I still don't know what I think of my answer to that.  It has just really jaded the thought of the next proposal.

I think I keep freaking people out with my outbursts at work... it's just atrocious to see people bring their kids in to use/teach them how to steal... I mean, c'mon Karma!  I deserve to be a mum, not those d-bags!