well, it's Christmas...

I'm not feeling it this year.  Whatever, I can Grinch it up for once.

Dear Mak, today was to be our first full day together.  Karma kicked it differently though... I hope you are warm and happy.  I know you don't celebrate today but I am supposed to.  I will be thinking of you and drinking wine and reading about yoga.  I have vowed to get more spiritual.  I need some help.  I never even met you but I miss you.  A heck of a lot.
XOXO, Mum that never was.

Thank you to my family.  You get me and have been great.  I can't wait to hug you tomorrow and see with my own eyes that you are ok.  Now I'm crying again... And at work.  Bah hum bug.



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Seriously Grey's?!?!?!

Why does she pursue an international adoption at the same time.  Why does she lose the kid and then get it back?  Why does she get pregnant after?  I am SO hooked on this show and, yes, it makes me cry like a baby each week.
This week she is showing my fear for the next offer.  She has miscarried and now is pregnant but not acknowledging it.  She doesn't look at the screen of the ultrasound or tell anyone.  I feel like that is already the way I am thinking for the next offer.  There is always a chance and CHOC was telling me it was a rare possibility but it happened... it could happen again... When do I tell?
GAH!
I am just so concerned with how disappointed people were.  My sister shows up with wonderful and amazingly thoughtful gifts and I had to tell her her prospective nephew was a no-go.  I made her cry when I told her (sorry katie, but i have to say it because you are one person who I never want to make feel bad...at least, anymore).  Again, I KNOW it's not ME... but if I want to appear as the happy messenger I would literally have to wait to say ANYTHING until the 30 days after the court hearing when the papers are finally in our hands.  How do I hide two or three trips to Russia and all of the excitement pouring out of my heart!?
Holy moly! WAY too much to think about.  I need to tell... I need to share... I need people to know why I am suddenly sad when something like what JUST happened happens...

One Week Later...

Yesterday was the first time I felt hopeful again.  I was walking Leia and had a thought that it would be sooner than we expect (but not AS soon as this time).  It was a great feeling and made me stop on the path... stop and smile.

Then last night I dreamed about this situation.  I had received a package from the president of Russia (remember, dream) and he was completely aware of our situation.  He apologized for the rarity of our circumstance and said he could propose a child to us right now but we only had an 8% chance of being able to take him home in June when he was done being fostered.  He said he had blonde hair and looked more like us.

WTF, mate!?

I woke up thinking it was extremely weird - and nothing like my prophetic 2 year old brunette vision (which I still hold to be true).  BUT! at least my subconsciousness is thinking of the future.

I then received a Christmas card wishing me excitement and love this holiday - especially with our wonderful new addition.  I had the initial heart-hurt but then I thought about how embarrassed he was going to feel when he finds out.  I thought he knew.  Crap.

It hasn't even been a week yet (one week ago tonight I was sitting at my dining table with my mum and sister and eating celery, whipped peanut butter, cheese, and sour cream and onion Special K crackers.  We were talking about the play, the trip, Christmas, the future...

No matter what happens, the future is always there, and I'm at least looking forward with a smile again. 

Heartbreak

I had a breakdown when I saw his photo in my car and realized I didn't know what to do with it.  It is such a different kind of loss.  We were saying his photo was like my ultrasound photo and we are thinking that this is kind of like a miscarriage... but he is still there - waiting.  It is hard to wrap our heads and hearts around.  We have asked more questions but CHOC may not even have the answers.  Our rep at CHOC probably just received an email very similar to what she sent us and didn't have anything else.

My biggest point of heartbreak now is thinking that he may still be there waiting for his mother's appeal to be settled when we go over to visit another offer.  Seeing those eyes there will make me want to crumble.

Friday and Saturday nights were hard to get through.  I cried a lot - all over Mike.  I hope he isn't just putting on a brave face for me.  I know he is hurting too.  He has lost the same.

I have to interject here and promote the actors in the play that I am in.  I didn't do the show Friday night - was in such a state that it was a good thing I stayed home.  When I showed up Saturday everyone was so wonderful.  They said while I was out they noticed more holes than they expected but they all worked around them on such short notice.  They knew I wasn't completely in my head and helped me get through the matinee with minimal tears (it wasn't until the finale number that I cried on stage) and the night show where I cried when we bowed but then cried for the rest of the night.  They are wonderful strong people and even the young ones seem so much older in spirit and intellect with how they handle themselves.  As a kid I would have been awkward and not knowing what to do around someone in such a situation.

I want to thank all my family and friends for being so understanding too.  I feel like I have disappointed everyone.  I know the situation isn't my fault but I am the messenger...
Thank you for not bombarding me with phone calls and messages and thoughts of prayer... I don't want that.  Knowing you are there and care is the strength I need and the thought that I don't have to relive the feeling of loss with constant reminders of it is everything.  The elephant is in the room, we all see it, just don't tell me you are sorry for it or praying for it over and over again.  I love you all and feel for you too.  I am sorry hopes were dashed but there WILL be a next time. 

A Step Back

Well, here is our new hiccup.  Mak's mom has applied for him back.  It is sad, yes, but hopefully she can prove she is capable so that he doesn't wait out this process to just go back on the list.

I just received the email and it was very upsetting (want to throw up in a different way now) but I was thankful my mum and sis were here.  I am also thankful this didn't happen after we met him.  We were told things like this can happen but CHOC was still upset and concerned for us.

The ministry of education didn't have any appropriate other candidates at this time so we wouldn't have to cancel our plans.  We have to wait again now.

I hope the new year means more candidates will have spent the appropriate amount of time on the national lists and can now go international.  I feel awful saying that I feel better not feeling so rushed but obviously this has happened for a reason.  Maybe some little guy is there who doesn't have a mom that was able to fix herself up and care for a child so fate needs us to see to him and not Mak... I still say two year old boy... it's what I saw.

It's just very upsetting I won't have a chance to make those sad, brown eyes smile.  He is still so much in my heart that I am worried this hiccup for him won't work out.  He always will be in my heart.  This was Mike's and my first glimpse at being parents and it was so special.  We may have lost him but he is hopefully getting his real mom back because of our loss.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts and wishes and keep sending out the good vibes.  It all started faster than expected so maybe my original inclination that June was the time will still be correct...

Sigh.

We love you Mak!

Magic?

While visiting Hogsmede, Mike and I got a wand that corresponds with our anniversary... Guess who's birthday it also corresponds with...

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There's an App for This Too!

I am learning key words and phrases through a recently purchased app.  I review in between scenes in the pantomime and coworkers can find me muttering to myself in the backroom and down the aisles at work.  In the last two days I learned: cat, dog, bedroom, I love you, please, thank you, hello, goodbye, son.

I also printed a few photos so that I can assemble a small album to leave with Mak so he will hopefully remember our faces and learn what his bedroom, the dog and the cat will look like so they aren't as surprising.

I keep getting stomach flips when I think that it is only 17 sleeps away.  Like, puke worthy stomach flips.

I have also made info packages for both of our parents so they will have copies of our itineraries, passports and visas, and important phone numbers of the CHOC reps.  I also have a package for us with the same and more of the numbers so we can contact our mobile providers and banks and credit cards.  I loved that I could log my future travels with an automated teller through Capitol One.

Even writing this I am having stomach flips!  Still lots to figure out before this trip and then even more before the following one!

20 sleeps!

I've had gut wrenching, non-sleeping, feelings the last few nights.  It's hard to describe.  I'm not looking for sympathy or smart ass comments about, "well, welcome to parenthood" because yes, I understand parenthood is an expensive and spontaneous venture.  I am just describing my feelings for those who care to know.

I almost shit a brick when we booked the flights and hotels.  This happening this soon has left us "unbudgeted" for the rest of this process.  We had help with the first installment of the Russian fee and were not expecting to have to pay the second half until spring when we were thinking our first trip would be.  Five weeks to come up with the same amount that we just gave and then another several thousand for the trip itself.  THEN we will have to repeat the several thousand in a few months for our second trip.  YIKES!  We honestly thought we had more time.  Needless to say, I had a mini panic attack and kept running figures in my head all night when we booked it all Thursday.  It is going to be extremely tight until we hit April, or so.

The second thing keeping me awake is (surprise, surprise) the fear of letting people down.  If this process doesn't go through to completion (which I am trying so hard not to think) it will, most likely, be because of my medication and mood disorder.  It will be my fault that I have to leave Mak there.  I will let Mike down (again) by robbing him of the chance to have a child, and then disappointing all of you who have been so supportive and loving.  I know I can be irrational but it is impossible not to worry about these things that could hinder the chance to live a full life with Mak.

In the meantime, I keep hitting the stage and dancing and singing to bide my time, and keep ticking things off of our seemingly endless to-do list.  It is soooooo worth the worry though (hopefully).