Me to Mike: "I'm sorry I busted you on your trying marajuana."
Mike to me: "I'm sorry I didn't praise you as much as you praised me."
Three hours earlier...
Our social worker showed up at 1pm and we thought with the discussions and home safety inspection we'd be about two hours. We didn't even have time to do the inspection. We had so much good discussion and some laughs and I really feel relieved after this visit. Before this I was worried that my depression would be something that could count against me. I figured anyone looking at my file would see that it's something I will have to be medicated on forever and will more than likely grow accustomed to my meds and have to change when I start to become unstable. When Donelda discussed all this with me and I flat out asked her if that would be a negative strike towards us she made me feel a gajillion times better by saying that from what she sees in me should would say that, if anything, my history has made me more self aware and more attuned to what others are feeling. It doesn't seem that I have a trigger, such as piling on the responsibility of kids, it's just something I have and have control of. Man! That made me feel so much better to have her describe me like that! She said that if I had brushed off the fact that I had depression and tried to make light of the fact I will always have it she would have then been concerned.
We discussed the surveys Mike and i filled out about our upbringings and our values, etc. She said from what she can see we have very similar pasts and seem to have a good understanding of each other. She liked that Mike described himself as a piler and me as a filer. And speaking of descriptions, one of the survey questions was to check off all the descriptions that you would use to describe your spouse. I checked off all that applied, and as she was reading them out Mike looked embarrassed. Then before she could read his answers he says, "um, just so you know, I didn't check ALL of them, just the top ones." I had to laugh at that. Very predictable and logical (which are ones I ticked on his descriptions).
And then the discrepancies between our surveys: "How long were you and your partner together before establishing a marriage or domestic relationship?" Mike had 3-4 years and I had less than a year! Mike didn't finish reading the question hahaha! He thought it was only about marriage. The other discrepancy was when i checked that we both had used marajuana. Mike didn't check anything on his self. He looked shocked and when I said, "you told me you tried it!" he replied, "oh ya, I forgot!" Oh, Mikey!
During this visit we also were given separate surveys to fill out and discuss individually. These were questions about any possible illegal or criminal activity we may have been involved in, victims of, or started. These are done privately in case one partner has kept this silent from the other. I can understand that and feel fortunate that neither of us has anything like this. I had to laugh and share the story from Nana and Papa's anniversary where Tori thanked our uncles for never molesting us! She laughed too. And this was an awesome segway into when how awesome and close I am with family members. She looked at the photo on the living room wall of the Mikloses from Katie and Fil's wedding and loved it. Nana and Papa, she says you look like a gorgeous couple!
After three hours of discussions like this we finally had to call it quits and schedule the next meeting. It will be the 17th of February and this one will have the home tour. In the meantime, she will email us another survey. She will also be emailing out a survey to our references soon and then when she receives them back she will call!
I feel good. I feel like progress has been made.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Kid's Room
I changed the background because I painted and I painted this early for several reasons:
1) It made me feel productive.
2) If I end up having to do two rooms I'd like to have one done now and not try to hurry and finish both at the same time.
3) This helps spread out the costs a teeny bit.
4) I want to be able to take Kid a picture of his room so he knows what to expect when he comes here. The rest of the house may be unfamiliar but at least he knows what to expect when he wakes up!
5) If we do get siblings one will most likely be old enough to choose his own room. I think that will be awesome to show him photos and have him choose. I feel like this will help with making him feel a part of this house when he arrives.
I LOVE the way it turned out. The colours and the pattern is exactly what I had in my head!
1) It made me feel productive.
2) If I end up having to do two rooms I'd like to have one done now and not try to hurry and finish both at the same time.
3) This helps spread out the costs a teeny bit.
4) I want to be able to take Kid a picture of his room so he knows what to expect when he comes here. The rest of the house may be unfamiliar but at least he knows what to expect when he wakes up!
5) If we do get siblings one will most likely be old enough to choose his own room. I think that will be awesome to show him photos and have him choose. I feel like this will help with making him feel a part of this house when he arrives.
Monday, January 16, 2012
S.A.F.E
The first questionnaire is all about security and family/relationship interactions. It is 12 pages long with many, many options from which I can choose my descriptors. The questions start with describing my childhood and who raised me and how they raised me. It goes on to ask what my individual values are now, what my spouse's are and how we interact with eachother. I really wish I could have checked off that when we have a disagreement we resolve it by trying to 'outwit' each other!
I was discussing with a friend how I dislike surveys because you can easily tell which are the 'good' answers and the 'bad' ones. For example, a bad answer to the above disagreement situation would be 'throwing things, pushing, or hitting.' My friend talked about how surrveys like this often will relate to one another and they are really looking to see if there are inconsistancies over the different surveys within similar situations. I guess that would show if I was actually reading the questions or just checking off the positive descriptors. That would be a red flag for sure.
It would also be a red flag if Mike and I had very different answers... but any smart couple would discuss things and would want to establish common understanding of ambiguous phrases. I made sure Mike and I sat down and read through them together before filling them out. I hate when ambiguous questions could count against you if we each had answered according to a different understanding. Another example: the question 'how frequently do you have arguments with our spouse' really needs to have 'argument' clarified. Do they mean every time I get exasperated by having to repeat myself and then Mike getting defensive is an argument? Because that happens every time we cook together hahaha! He will ask how to cook something and I will say, "the same way I told you to do it last week," and that will cause a defensive reaction. I could just give up and tell him everytime how to do it but if he can remember where every hidden gem or clue is in a video game he can remember how to cook the beans when I say "pan fried beans." That whole situation could be considered an argument but it usually lasts less than 30 seconds and neither of us cares by the time it's over. Or is an argument bigger than that? When does it become a fight? Bah! Either way, we agreed on a definition and will hope for the best.
In the end, I know there is nothing that can count against either of us that would stop the province from approving us as adoptive parents. I just wish we could do all of the surveys at once and hurry it up!
I also drew up our fire escape plan (see Tori, we were in the norm for having done these with our family as kids!) and our letter of guardianship for Kid if anything should happen to us. The latter was a reality check. Poor Kid will have to move again if something happened and we couldn't give the proper care! It was good knowing that we have wonderful options and are pleased knowing our choice is similar to Mike and me and would be great at keeping Kid in touch with both sets of grandfolk.
Speaking of grandparents (wait for it, the transition will make sense, I promise)... there have been some fantastic kid reactions to our situation. Some are inquisitive to the point of catching their parents in some of those 'white lies' that can be told - "I don't understand how there can be kids whose parents don't want them, I thought you said only if a Mum and Dad love each other a lot then a baby be made." There have been questions as to why Mike and I in particular are in this situation - "why do you have to go to Russia, why can't you buy a kid here?" and - "how come you can't have a baby? Maybe if you were more girly..." I have adored all of the kid questions and stories from my friends about their kids' reactions. It's a different situation and their questions or suggestions can help me think about how I will help Kid know where he came from and how he ended up with me and Mike! They have all been wonderful but my favourite has come from back home and was just told to me two days ago. My cousin Chaundra has been wonderfully helpful from the start of our troubles and she has twin girls whom we both get a huge kick out of. It was just recently that Chaundra and my sister were discussing this adoption and the girls approached them with some questions. In summary: "Jessa and Mike will be a mum and dad, right? So, that means Mary will be a grandma? And Jim will be a grandpa? Well, Mary doesn't look like a grandma but Jim looks like a grandpa!" I LOVE this!!! I miss you girls! I cannot wait to have fun anecdotes from my own Kid!
I was discussing with a friend how I dislike surveys because you can easily tell which are the 'good' answers and the 'bad' ones. For example, a bad answer to the above disagreement situation would be 'throwing things, pushing, or hitting.' My friend talked about how surrveys like this often will relate to one another and they are really looking to see if there are inconsistancies over the different surveys within similar situations. I guess that would show if I was actually reading the questions or just checking off the positive descriptors. That would be a red flag for sure.
It would also be a red flag if Mike and I had very different answers... but any smart couple would discuss things and would want to establish common understanding of ambiguous phrases. I made sure Mike and I sat down and read through them together before filling them out. I hate when ambiguous questions could count against you if we each had answered according to a different understanding. Another example: the question 'how frequently do you have arguments with our spouse' really needs to have 'argument' clarified. Do they mean every time I get exasperated by having to repeat myself and then Mike getting defensive is an argument? Because that happens every time we cook together hahaha! He will ask how to cook something and I will say, "the same way I told you to do it last week," and that will cause a defensive reaction. I could just give up and tell him everytime how to do it but if he can remember where every hidden gem or clue is in a video game he can remember how to cook the beans when I say "pan fried beans." That whole situation could be considered an argument but it usually lasts less than 30 seconds and neither of us cares by the time it's over. Or is an argument bigger than that? When does it become a fight? Bah! Either way, we agreed on a definition and will hope for the best.
In the end, I know there is nothing that can count against either of us that would stop the province from approving us as adoptive parents. I just wish we could do all of the surveys at once and hurry it up!
I also drew up our fire escape plan (see Tori, we were in the norm for having done these with our family as kids!) and our letter of guardianship for Kid if anything should happen to us. The latter was a reality check. Poor Kid will have to move again if something happened and we couldn't give the proper care! It was good knowing that we have wonderful options and are pleased knowing our choice is similar to Mike and me and would be great at keeping Kid in touch with both sets of grandfolk.
Speaking of grandparents (wait for it, the transition will make sense, I promise)... there have been some fantastic kid reactions to our situation. Some are inquisitive to the point of catching their parents in some of those 'white lies' that can be told - "I don't understand how there can be kids whose parents don't want them, I thought you said only if a Mum and Dad love each other a lot then a baby be made." There have been questions as to why Mike and I in particular are in this situation - "why do you have to go to Russia, why can't you buy a kid here?" and - "how come you can't have a baby? Maybe if you were more girly..." I have adored all of the kid questions and stories from my friends about their kids' reactions. It's a different situation and their questions or suggestions can help me think about how I will help Kid know where he came from and how he ended up with me and Mike! They have all been wonderful but my favourite has come from back home and was just told to me two days ago. My cousin Chaundra has been wonderfully helpful from the start of our troubles and she has twin girls whom we both get a huge kick out of. It was just recently that Chaundra and my sister were discussing this adoption and the girls approached them with some questions. In summary: "Jessa and Mike will be a mum and dad, right? So, that means Mary will be a grandma? And Jim will be a grandpa? Well, Mary doesn't look like a grandma but Jim looks like a grandpa!" I LOVE this!!! I miss you girls! I cannot wait to have fun anecdotes from my own Kid!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Reflections
I realize that I am missing out on many aspects of the whole 'bringing a child into the world' experience. I just ask that you don't remind me... especially with a head tilt and the raised tone of voice; "You'll never get to feel the baby move inside of you!"
I know. Trust me.
So, I have chosen to look at the positive aspects of having Kid and NOT being pregnant. I am also assuming that Kid will be at least a year old because most of the adopted Russians are, and with that being said, here are the top ten reasons why having my kid this way rocks:
10) Right away Kid is going to be able to indicate what hurts or what is wrong. Even with a language barrier there is still pointing.
9) Speaking of language, Kid is going to understand two different alphabets... Kid may not know he can do this, but he be able to for a small while. If Kid is older he may be able to maintain his awesome double alphabetic knowledge! Genius in the making?
8) I will not get a big belly and worry about losing the 'baby weight' afterwards.
7) I can play tackle football right up until the moment Kid becomes ours... and immediately after too.
6) More than likely I won't have to worry about sleep training or having a child not sleep through the night. I imagine it will be scary sleeping away from the orphanage but eventually Kid will realize he's here to stay.
5) I can continue to enjoy my wine nights.
4) I will not have the discomfort or swelling that comes with carrying a baby for 40 weeks.
3) I will always have a winning hockey team whether it is Russia or Canada. Ok, maybe not always, but you have to admit, my odds are pretty darn good.
2) If I wanted to take up smoking or cocaine I wouldn't have a guilty conscience.
and the number one reason:
1) Kid will be able to hug me right from the start. There's nothing better than being hugged back and I imagine Kid's hugs will be the best!
Another awesome aspect, although I don't know if this is necessarily an advantage, is that Kid will have three birthdays in my eyes. The first will be Kid's actual day of birth. The second will be the day we meet him. The last will be the day we land in Canada! Fantastic reasons to celebrate but does that mean more presents???
I know. Trust me.
So, I have chosen to look at the positive aspects of having Kid and NOT being pregnant. I am also assuming that Kid will be at least a year old because most of the adopted Russians are, and with that being said, here are the top ten reasons why having my kid this way rocks:
10) Right away Kid is going to be able to indicate what hurts or what is wrong. Even with a language barrier there is still pointing.
9) Speaking of language, Kid is going to understand two different alphabets... Kid may not know he can do this, but he be able to for a small while. If Kid is older he may be able to maintain his awesome double alphabetic knowledge! Genius in the making?
8) I will not get a big belly and worry about losing the 'baby weight' afterwards.
7) I can play tackle football right up until the moment Kid becomes ours... and immediately after too.
6) More than likely I won't have to worry about sleep training or having a child not sleep through the night. I imagine it will be scary sleeping away from the orphanage but eventually Kid will realize he's here to stay.
5) I can continue to enjoy my wine nights.
4) I will not have the discomfort or swelling that comes with carrying a baby for 40 weeks.
3) I will always have a winning hockey team whether it is Russia or Canada. Ok, maybe not always, but you have to admit, my odds are pretty darn good.
2) If I wanted to take up smoking or cocaine I wouldn't have a guilty conscience.
and the number one reason:
1) Kid will be able to hug me right from the start. There's nothing better than being hugged back and I imagine Kid's hugs will be the best!
Another awesome aspect, although I don't know if this is necessarily an advantage, is that Kid will have three birthdays in my eyes. The first will be Kid's actual day of birth. The second will be the day we meet him. The last will be the day we land in Canada! Fantastic reasons to celebrate but does that mean more presents???
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Medical Madness
Phew! Finally finished all my tests for the medical portion of the home study. I will finalize the final document on Tuesday with my family doctor. I have felt relief at the amount of needles being FAR less than when I was doing the hormones! Today should be the last for a looooong time. Now I have two more documents to draw up tomorrow and then we should be done our initial needs for the study. I just have to get in contact with the social worker and schedule a next appointment (home safety inspection) and find out what is up with the surveys we are supposed to be filling out.
In the meantime, I've been dreaming about Kid's bedroom decor... *big smiles*
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Positive Feedback
Last night I was fortunate to be able to speak with the friend of my cousin who is in the process of working with CHOC! I was curious as to how the whole Russian end of this journey will play out because CHOC keeps saying I'm jumping the gun and we'll get to that info when it's time - I admit I am jumping the gun a little.
Gena told me the whole Russian end was remarkably smooth and everyone there was so polite! She said it was easier dealing with the government officials at that end, using a translator, than it was working with our government to get visas, etc. She said all of the people there were extremely nice and understanding. She stayed with a host family instead of in a hotel so wonderful homecooked meals everyday. They had a driver set up through CHOC to take them where they needed to go and these drivers and translators depend on this type of country exchange work so they are all really reliable and not likely to pull a fast one...or they'd be out of a job! She said even with a hiccup here and there with their documents the Russians were still nice and understanding and she is very much looking forward to going back for a month when they pick up their little girl!
I was very curious about the orphanages and asked many questions. She only saw the one where her child is but she said it was a lot different than they both had expected. She said the place was really well run with a great full time staff (including a doctor) that gave the children a chance to really bond with people and form relationships. They got to participate in meal times and said the food was what we would eat and nothing out of the norm for when she came over here. She sounded so excited to go back and finally bring home her child. I loved the picture she painted in my mind of the orphanage and the city. She said they really enjoyed their time in Russia.
In the whole process she said the most frustrating was just communicating with the people at CHOC. Because English is not their first language there can be miscommunications when questions are asked. Her best advice was to ask everything three times to ensure consistant responses. In her particular case, they were coached to choose a specific gender, boy, to ensure a quicker process and the likelihood of a healthier child. They chose that and submitted their forms and were told they'd definately get a boy... somewhere in there something was mixed up! They didn't care either way but I think she feels that might have been the result of a miscommunication between them and CHOC. Now she just has to repaint the nursery!
Listening to Gena gave me such a good feeling and she believes we have a strong chance of getting siblings since we said we'd be open to that. While she was there a couple were taking home three boys all under the age of 5! She said the orphanages do all they can to keep siblings together. Instant family! We don't want more than two at this time but it would be amazing to have siblings!
For now, we will keep concnetrating on what we can do: homestudy! And wait for photos and news from Gena's second trip! So exciting!
Gena told me the whole Russian end was remarkably smooth and everyone there was so polite! She said it was easier dealing with the government officials at that end, using a translator, than it was working with our government to get visas, etc. She said all of the people there were extremely nice and understanding. She stayed with a host family instead of in a hotel so wonderful homecooked meals everyday. They had a driver set up through CHOC to take them where they needed to go and these drivers and translators depend on this type of country exchange work so they are all really reliable and not likely to pull a fast one...or they'd be out of a job! She said even with a hiccup here and there with their documents the Russians were still nice and understanding and she is very much looking forward to going back for a month when they pick up their little girl!
I was very curious about the orphanages and asked many questions. She only saw the one where her child is but she said it was a lot different than they both had expected. She said the place was really well run with a great full time staff (including a doctor) that gave the children a chance to really bond with people and form relationships. They got to participate in meal times and said the food was what we would eat and nothing out of the norm for when she came over here. She sounded so excited to go back and finally bring home her child. I loved the picture she painted in my mind of the orphanage and the city. She said they really enjoyed their time in Russia.
In the whole process she said the most frustrating was just communicating with the people at CHOC. Because English is not their first language there can be miscommunications when questions are asked. Her best advice was to ask everything three times to ensure consistant responses. In her particular case, they were coached to choose a specific gender, boy, to ensure a quicker process and the likelihood of a healthier child. They chose that and submitted their forms and were told they'd definately get a boy... somewhere in there something was mixed up! They didn't care either way but I think she feels that might have been the result of a miscommunication between them and CHOC. Now she just has to repaint the nursery!
Listening to Gena gave me such a good feeling and she believes we have a strong chance of getting siblings since we said we'd be open to that. While she was there a couple were taking home three boys all under the age of 5! She said the orphanages do all they can to keep siblings together. Instant family! We don't want more than two at this time but it would be amazing to have siblings!
For now, we will keep concnetrating on what we can do: homestudy! And wait for photos and news from Gena's second trip! So exciting!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Home Study step one - revisited
Yeah! We finally got the second ball rolling!
We met with the social worker this morning to sign contracts and go over what the process will entail and what the final document will look like. We checked off many items today (reference lists, copies of documents/identification, signing of disciplinary statement) and will be able to check off more in the next few weeks. She said she will visit with us four or five times and that in combination with all the surveys we will fill out (and the ones our references will fill out - thanks in advance!) will allow her to draft a picture of how we would function as a family. She has a very extensive grading document that is standard with all adoptions. Everything from our values, beliefs, habits, diet, sexual compatibility, all get a grade. And we get graded individually for the most part... I hope I win hahaha! Seriously though, the whole thing not filled out was several pages long. I will do my best to post a copy of it when I get it electronically from her.
I liked her and I like this process. She is going to be bringing up many things that a lot of parents don't think to think of before they have kids. She said feels all international adoptions are special needs children and will be looking at our ability to handle the problems that arrive with genetics, how we will tell Kid where he's from, how we will handle language barriers, etc. I feel like my training as a teacher has given me an advantage here. Maybe that's why I went to teachers college - to become a better understanding adoptive parent?
I look forward to the surveys and questionaires we will fill out and it should provide some good discussion between us. I am interested to see if there is anything we haven't discussed in regards to children! I also like filling out surveys - NERD! When it comes to kids, I have a lot to say. I very much hope this process goes quickly so our dossier can be sent to Russia as soon as possible.
Next week the medical exam and questionaires! For the time being... 9 more shows where I get to be a pirate! ARRRRR!
We met with the social worker this morning to sign contracts and go over what the process will entail and what the final document will look like. We checked off many items today (reference lists, copies of documents/identification, signing of disciplinary statement) and will be able to check off more in the next few weeks. She said she will visit with us four or five times and that in combination with all the surveys we will fill out (and the ones our references will fill out - thanks in advance!) will allow her to draft a picture of how we would function as a family. She has a very extensive grading document that is standard with all adoptions. Everything from our values, beliefs, habits, diet, sexual compatibility, all get a grade. And we get graded individually for the most part... I hope I win hahaha! Seriously though, the whole thing not filled out was several pages long. I will do my best to post a copy of it when I get it electronically from her.
I liked her and I like this process. She is going to be bringing up many things that a lot of parents don't think to think of before they have kids. She said feels all international adoptions are special needs children and will be looking at our ability to handle the problems that arrive with genetics, how we will tell Kid where he's from, how we will handle language barriers, etc. I feel like my training as a teacher has given me an advantage here. Maybe that's why I went to teachers college - to become a better understanding adoptive parent?
I look forward to the surveys and questionaires we will fill out and it should provide some good discussion between us. I am interested to see if there is anything we haven't discussed in regards to children! I also like filling out surveys - NERD! When it comes to kids, I have a lot to say. I very much hope this process goes quickly so our dossier can be sent to Russia as soon as possible.
Next week the medical exam and questionaires! For the time being... 9 more shows where I get to be a pirate! ARRRRR!
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