I really don't know what has changed. Nothing, as far as I can see, is different. I picked up my chest x-ray today, so that is ready to go but, somehow, all of the determination I had has been pushed aside and been replaced with this fear, and feeling of dread, that this isn't going to work for us.
Maybe this is a self-protection mode that I have forced myself into... I never really thought it wouldn't work the first time. Maybe it is intuition of some sort. Maybe it is completely irrational. It doesn't matter - it's there. I sincerely don't think I have ever been so frightened in my life. And, if this first trip actually happens, this fear will seem like child's play compared to what will be felt before the court date and for the ENTIRE 30 day appeal period.
I'm not afraid of being a mom (please don't confuse this statement with the sentiment that I think I am entirely ready to be a mom - I don't think anyone could be). I'm not afraid of waiting. I'm afraid of us getting hurt - worse than the first time.
I still have hope. It's there deep down. I still picture her here in our house, backyard, and lives. I just worry about the flip-side to that hope. I worry about the stamina and heart to try a third time if this falls through like the first time; especially if we make it to custody and then have someone come out of the woodwork afterwards.
I don't see myself sleeping until autumn.
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