I find my time is passing from Wednesday to Wednesday because the original offer came to us on a Wednesday morning. I wake up and automatically think of what day it is and how many more sleeps until Wednesday. When Wednesday comes and I don't get a phone call from "unknown caller" I sigh and start the countdown again.
I guess that's hope...
Monday, February 25, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Feeling Better
Well, I do feel better now. I'm still sad and I get angry easily, but it isn't as all-consuming as it was last month. I now sing and dance around like normal. I have gained the weight I lost at the end of last year (boo!) but I'm not as lethargic so I feel I will turn it around again soon.
I do feel very self-conscious about any decision I make. I think it is all stemming from whether, or not, this adoption was the correct path for Mike and me. It has been quite hard but my worry over what I can't control with this is leaking into even simple decisions, like which kind of cheese to buy?
I still haven't began my artsy endeavours but I hope to soon. In the meantime I am hoping my soon-to-expire travel visa means I WILL get the call to go just after.
I hope...
I do feel very self-conscious about any decision I make. I think it is all stemming from whether, or not, this adoption was the correct path for Mike and me. It has been quite hard but my worry over what I can't control with this is leaking into even simple decisions, like which kind of cheese to buy?
I still haven't began my artsy endeavours but I hope to soon. In the meantime I am hoping my soon-to-expire travel visa means I WILL get the call to go just after.
I hope...
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Getting My Groove Back
I have forced myself to sing and dance around the kitchen everyday. It feels good. I can't believe how I had stopped singing! I had even stopped in the backroom at work... it is so obvious now that I am forcing it. It will become natural soon enough though.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
I still get angry at least once a day. It is becoming anger at things beyond what just happened. I am getting angry at things that our attempt to have a kid had created ages ago. I am starting to feel more anger at the fact that I couldn't get pregnant and what that means now. If I go off the pill I essentially go into a menopausal state. I didn't ovulate naturally for 11 months before forcing it with hormones. Why? No one can tell me. Tell me I don't have a uterus but tell me something! And now, after the months and months of hormones and the most painful, and fascinatingly disgusting, cycles I have not had a day where my ovaries haven't hurt. I feel like I have noticed it more since I've been more sullen and still. I can normally ignore things like this because I am moving around but I often feel sharp stabs of pain where my ovaries are. I think it's the ovaries because that specific area was heated up by the radioactive liquid in one of my many tests. It is the same place inside of me. I can't sleep on my stomach anymore because that is when they really hurt; it's like the weight of my body presses down on them and hurts. I never experienced this before all the tests and hormones. Again, why do I have to live with it now? What is wrong with my insides?
Ok, I could really go on and on. Needless to say, I have spiraled in my "poor me" outlook - and that makes me mad too. Keep forcing the normalcy from before and it WILL return.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Counciling Homework
I was told to find a project. My first instinct was to find something that had to do with Kid - so I felt progress towards the adoption. I had been shown the adoption maternity photos and enlisted the help of Paul Clarke Photography and created some beautiful images.
Thank you so much Paul.
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.
They have given me something to look at and to focus. I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through. I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy. Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on. I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.
My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me. I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work. I will see how I feel. I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!
I had excitement from a project for the home. I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
It is now done and I feel I did it too fast. sigh.
I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.
The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things. She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough. Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page. She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing. I agree. Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about. I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me. I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak! I wrote about the stupid customers at work. I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently. I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do. Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders. It felt good. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
The councilor also asked me to start singing again. She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped. I don't sing in the shower. I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities. I don't sing along with the radio. She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced. She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.
Well, that's it now. Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do. Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense. It will. That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week. It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.
In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing. LOL!
This is not a "normal" subject matter and hope to create more in the future.
They have given me something to look at and to focus. I honestly haven't been able to do yoga since this fell through. I can't quiet my mind (also why I can't sleep) thus making yoga near impossible to enjoy. Now I can hopefully make a focal point in my room to concentrate on. I'm still scared to try so it might take another week.
My councilor also told me I had to do at least two days with a physical activity to start physically working my anger out of me. I will hopefully jump on the elliptical tomorrow after work. I will see how I feel. I miss the stretching and "sinking in" from yoga and hope to work towards it. I would love to go outside and run but the stupid snow won't stop!
I had excitement from a project for the home. I made a rolling spice rack for the kitchen.
It is now done and I feel I did it too fast. sigh.I look forward to learning how to knit and crochet.
The councilor tried some art therapy with me since she knew I liked arty things. She wanted me to go with my gut instinct and I blacked out an entire page and couldn't do it fast enough. Then wrote a bunch of angry words on the next page. She said we had to pull those feelings through the blackness in order to make the blackness less all-encompassing. I agree. Part of it is admitting what I'm angry about. I took the journal I had started for Mak and turned it into a journal for me. I wrote about how I was angry that I felt forced to celebrate on Christmas when I didn't feel like it - it was, after all, the first day we were supposed to spend with Mak! I wrote about the stupid customers at work. I wrote about the rudeness and inconsiderateness of the agency recently. I don't want to go into details of what happened this week because I feel like there is a chance this blog could bite us in the ass if I do. Needless to say it had me in the basement at work crying and screaming obscenities and throwing around metal sign holders. It felt good. I wrote and wrote and wrote.
The councilor also asked me to start singing again. She had asked if I enjoyed singing and I said yes but that I didn't realize until that moment that I had stopped. I don't sing in the shower. I stopped playing my music while cooking or doing other activities. I don't sing along with the radio. She told me to start even if it feels stupid and forced. She said eventually it will feel normal again and it's another physical activity that will help me surmount this grief mountain.
Well, that's it now. Even writing on here feels like something I SHOULD be doing instead of WANTing to do. Life doesn't feel natural - if that makes any sense. It will. That was part of the reason I sent out the Christmas cards this week. It was something I would normally do; it was something I had planned on doing; I felt the need to complete that task.
In the meantime, I will start singing, run twice a week and work up to yoga, learn to knit/crochet, and continue to be a bitch because all of that feels like a good thing. LOL!
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