Dear Universe...

I have changed the way I think a lot in the last few years.  I still need to change greatly in one manner: stop trying to payback all those who offer help.  I know if I can help someone I do so without expecting payment in any way so I need to learn to accept that help as well.

I know Mike and I are helping Kid and will continue to do so as he grows.  I have had a safety net under me woven with so much love and support that I need to realize it makes me feel so much need to pay it forward - not back.  I also have just had a safety net built beneath my already existent one.  I know that if it came down to not splitting up siblings we would be given the means necessary to ensure those kids would never be parted.  My first thought was not, "how can I ever pay that back," it was an immediate and tearful, "thank you."  I liked that thought almost more than I liked the offer.  I love you!

Alas...

I heard back from CHOC and she confimed pretty much everything I thought it was going to be.  All of the Canadian fees would be the same because whether they check the 1 kid or 2 kids box their prep work has no change.  I would only need to double the immigration and documents.  Furthermore, she did say the fees in USD would be double - and that is all of the Russian fees.  Sigh.  As much as I would love to take home two kids doubling the largest expense is just too much.

To go back to my daydream post from early on in this blog- I do only see myself and Mike on a plane with one kid.  Long term though, I always see me with two... we shall see if I am one of the cases where the couple gets pregnant once they've adopted!  Maybe those mom hormones will fix whatever needs fixing!

Safety Inspection

We had our third social worker visit this past Friday.  She did our home safety inspection and concluded we have a safe home (excepting the sword hanging in mike's office).  She was impressed with the waterline in Kid's room too!

After the inspection we discussed parenting strategies and how we would like to raise our child and how we think it will be difficult with the language barrier and the special needs of an orphan.  We tossed around a lot of hypotheticals and we will go over more at the international adoption schooling in April.  She mentioned that the school is especially beneficial because we don't think of things like nipples for bottles being a different shape in North America and therefore making it hard for a baby to eat.  Makes perfect sense but I never would have thought of that!

We also went over our finances and I am just waiting for one tax assessment reprint and then all of our paperwork is in place!  I went and got a letter written from my psychiatrist saying that I don't have a trigger for my depression (ie stress) and that I was always a functional member of society and sought out help to get better whenever my episodes got bad.  The social worker said that with that letter and her observations from my stories and surveys the depression will not be an issue.  She said as of right now the only hold up for processing our home study would be if we needed another piece of paperwork for proof of something... so we should be good once she calls all of our references.

She's received three and an email saying the longest distance reference is on its way!  Once she has them all she will call all of the people (wow, that was a lot of double ls)  and discuss their responses to compile another part of her report.  Probably only one more visit but this one will have a big wait because of calling everyone.

I'm hoping that our report is submitted to the NS government by the end of April and then we should be approved by the end of June and our name in Russia by the end of summer!  We also have realized we don't know what the breakdown of the "russian fees" are and therefore don't know how much of it will be doubled if we get two kids!  That may put a kink in the hope for siblings and a quicker adoption... I have written CHOC and await their response.  I don't think their fees will have any difference because all of the work they do is before we have an invitation and a name, or two.  It will be everything overseas and then the immigration documents that need doubling... I hope it's not completely doubled! Eep!

We got our first home made clothing.  Gramma Lolly knit the cutest cardigan and hat set.  She made it bigger so I hope we get a child young enough to fit it, but it will look cute on a teddy if not!  Bright primary colour stripes on a cream background makes it great for boy or girl.  Where ever you are Kid, you are so loved already!

Spoke too soon...

Ummmm, so ALMOST completely normal feeling.  I have not stopped crying since I woke up today.  This must be my hormones finally fixing themselves.  Every cute photo of kids' valentine's to their folks has me bawling.  I watch SMASH and she reads a letter to the mother of her adoptive child and I'm a blubbering fool.  We get the phone call that our adoptive training is booked and I can hardly speak on the phone.  I go to the store to buy a small gift for Steve and Shelly's new baby and I weep at every single item in there.  The only thing that didn't make me cry was the drilling at the dentist (too nervous).  There's a lot of love being expressed today and it's hitting me to the core.

I wrote a letter to Mike... my home made valentine, if you will.   I cried while composing it (of course)

Happy Valentine’s Day.

I cannot thank you enough for your love.  Seriously, I never could finish giving you the proper gratitude for your understanding and compromising – especially over the last year.  I have a lot of love to give and share but so do you and we both deserve to share it with kids.  Unlike me, you have the ability to naturally carry and process challenges and change and that is the best gift you have given me.

If I didn’t have someone like you I wouldn’t have been able to handle my diagnosis.  I wouldn’t have been able to speak my mind, despite my gut wrenching fear of scaring you away.  I wouldn’t have the strength or means to pursue the path I want to in order to build my family.  If I didn’t have someone like you… I wouldn’t have YOU. 

I truly believe that the moment we decided to adopt our child was chosen for us – similar to the moment of conception.  Every move we make now is just leading us to that child.  Every hiccup or delay has a reason.  Every seemingly unfair situation or lack of an option is just a detour heading in his direction.  I am sorry you will not watch him grow from the beginning, but we will have more anniversaries with him and so many momentous “birthdays” to romanticize and celebrate. 

I am so grateful to have you. 

I love you. 

Overshares...

First cycle since being back on the pill.  There was a constant ache from day one of this cycle, the odd pinch, whatever, nothing like it was... and then it stopped when I was done this round of pills!  Open heavenly clouds and let the choir sing!  No more pain!  This is the first time in almost a year I haven't had to fill myself with analgesics in order to function.

BETTER YET!  I have felt so NORMAL!  It's been two months since stopping the hormones and then three weeks back on the pill.  I feel so much like I used to that I could cry with gratitude everytime I don't forget a word!  I haven't felt clumsier than normal, and those who know me know that I don't beed to be anymore clumsy than usual! HA!  I also don't get angry when I drop things and I don't jump out of my skin when the phone rings or I hear the 'click' of the PA turning on at work!

I hate that my body didn't work the way I wanted it to, but I am so thankful that with a little help I know I can feel "normal."

I am also pleased to announce, with blurry eyes, that my friend Steve and his beautiful Shelley have welcomed their son Frankie to the world this weekend!  I am so happy for them and so jealous in the best possible way!  I can't wait to meet him when I can see through the tears!!! hehehe  Yeah babies!