Allow me to Elaborate

Allow me to try and better explain how amazing I feel:

It's like we've been trying for three years to get pregnant and just found out I am!  I never doubted that we would be recommended for approval for adoptive parents, but there was always the possibility that something mundane or crazy would delay it or create an obstacle.  After so much proving that we would be good parents it's an affirmative that a respected social worker declares us just so!  This is literally the last thing we can do to create that possibility of Kid.  I see it the same way as conception, after months and months of trying, it is your moment where you say, "it worked!"  Yes, there is still tonnes of prep work before you meet your baby, but the point is that your baby is there.

Kid is now more of a reality than before because we have the recommendation that will allow us to eventually meet him.

So, our next steps are to await the province's stamp of approval so we can forward the homestudy to CHOC.  Then CHOC compiles our dossier and sends it to Russia.  We fill our Immigration sponsorship forms out and wait... and wait... and wait...  but at least now the waiting has a point because we know once our province stamps the approval there's nothing stopping us!

Feels so Good!

When I held the small packet of photographs in my hand I teared up because that was the last thing we needed for our homestudy.

After our meeting with our social worker today I can't stop tearing up because it's done now!  Our homestudy is a few short edits from being completed and will be submitted by the end of the month.  She is recommending our approval and has enjoyed getting to know us.  I can't thank her enough or all of our references.  She has been so assuring and positive and has made this homestudy an unstressful process.

Holy moly!  It feels so good to be done this step!

Triggers

This is a hard one to wrap my head around because it can be so unexpected.  This whole adoption process can trigger hard feelings in Kid, Mike and me, and others around us.  The night terrors in all the kids of our co-students were all result of a trigger.  One was going to daycare for the first time, one was after a surgery, all were seemingly normal things to the parents but all triggered an unsafe feeling in the kids.  These possible triggers are carried forever too.  There was an adoptee who, in her late 20's, went back to visit her orphanage to find out about herself and was instantly brought back to it all by the smell of the orphanage.  Amazing.

For my own possible triggers I have to look into the future and see how Kid might possibly grow.  I have to realize that when Kid has a kid it might be even harder for me since I couldn't now.  There were stories of how the adoptive mum couldn't even listen to her kid talk about her growing pregnancy because of how it would trigger her own feelings of inadequacies.  Another thing I never thought of but I can see me having troubles with that as I hate 'failure' and no matter what not being able to get pregnant has me feeling like I've failed someone.  I feel better being forewarned about this possibility so I can hopefully not struggle so much when and if this situation occurs. 

The triggers in those around us was nothing Mike or I had considered and now we are quite worried.  We have someone close to us who was adopted and it never once crossed our minds that this process could trigger problems for her.  We were both shaking after watching the video about Jenny's struggle to deal with who she was before she was a Fero.  She had so much supressed anger since her adoptive parents didn't want to talk about her adoption or who could possibly be her biological parents.  She felt a constant need to succeed and please others because she didn't want to not fit in or be seen as a failure.  She clearly did a lot of things that she thought she should do but things that didn't make her happy.  Without the honesty between her and her parents, Jenny kept that anger repressed and acted out through substance abuse, promiscuity and spending lots of money on clothes.  Mike and I are both scared that as this person close to us watches Kid go through a similar situation it could either trigger more problems or make her want to stay at a distance.  If anything does happen we hope it's that this person will help our kid understand how to better handle not-knowing.  I hope we cause more good than harm with the whole adoption... it's just another part of the big picture which we did not consider and we don't want to hurt anyone.

On a more positive note, we have our last meeting for our home study this Thursday morning!  It's so exciting to think we are just that much closer to having our name in Russia!

Grey's Anatomy

There is no denying that Grey's is one of my favourite shows.  In the past it has been referred to as a "crygasm" and I totally agree.  I always look forward to discussing it with my select group of friends and family (mainly, 2 of you hahahah) and the episode tonight has mega inspired me to relate my learnings to everyone.  The next post I was working on had nothing to do with this but plans change... as I know very well.

Tonight's episode had the cast evaluating a girl who had been found after a fall in the woods.  X-rays and scans prove that the injuries she has sustained are resulted from long term abuse or torture.  It is revealed that she is the long-time missing/abducted child after finally escaping her captor.  She bonds with the first doctor to ask her what she wants/needs, rejects her parents because it's been ten-ish years even though she recognizes that they are who she should want to be with - despite her gut instincts after being 'brainwashed' and forced into a particular way of life for many years.

The parents wanted to rush in and hug her but she had to look to a doctor to see if that was something 'normal' or not.  She says she knows that she should want to be with them but that she misses her captor because he wasn't always mean.  When her situation was being referred to, Grey said, "someone who's been in your situation," and the girl immediately responded:

[Why do you do that?  What I've been through is kicked and raped and slapped and starved.  I get it... but it was my life.  I didn't get to talk to him about my life with my parents and now I don't get to talk to anyone about him.  I should be happy that I'm here and not there...]

The shame she was obviously feeling was so reminiscent of what was trying to be explained to Mike and me in our classes this week.  What an obvious way (even though it's an awful way) to convey what we learned.  The shame the adoptees felt when where they came from or what losses they sustained wasn't acknowledged sounded so much the same as what the girl from this episode was saying.  Yes, the show was a fictional drama... but would anyone doubt that a trama like that would make someone's mind fight with itself in such a confrontational manner?  Why would the trama a kid suffers and represses from being given up by their biological parents and living the beginnings of their lives in an orphanage not create a parallel type of confict???

Damn you Grey's Anatomy for evoking another crygasm.  Mum, thank you for discussing it with me immediately, and Candy, I can't wait to talk to you tomorrow hahahaha!

Identity

The issue of identity is something every person goes through... usually starting with puberty in adolesense.  The struggle of identity is harder for an adoptee and even more so for an international adoptee.  It is especially hard when the child doesn't resemble the parents.  The parents don't see colour as being an issue but it's that constant underlying daily reminder that "I don't fit in here 100%."  We may luck out with doing a Russian adoption because there is a chance Kid could be blonde haired and blue eyed just like if we had a natural born kid.  This may help with attachment in the long run because he will be getting that daily validation that he belongs and not being surprised when he looks in the mirror. Physical appearance is just a small part.

The documentaries we watched all had international kids saying the same thing:  "I am but I'm not."  Kid will be Russian but he's not.  He's Canadian but he's not.  He's a Miklos but he's not.  He's a Bathurst but he's not.  He has a birth mum but he doesn't... He will always not quite belong.  Some people struggle with this more than others but I can see how this could eat away at Kid if the differences aren't acknowledged.  More often than not, being different is misconstrued as being not good enough, and for someone with attachment issues they do not want to be seen as bad or different in case someone else will leave them.  Most of the cases we studied were Chinese or Korean adoptees growing up in all white communtities so there was an immense amount of room for feeling different and being slandered by other kids.  None of the adoptees ever wanted to bring this up with their parents for fear of letting them down.  Instead they would lose self confidence, become ashamed, and eventually depressed or angry.

No matter what country the adoptees came from, or where they grew up, they all told of similar feelings of shame and confusion as to who they really are.  Even if the parents were 'colour blind' the kids never fully saw themselves through their parents' eyes.  The differences were always there.

Mike and I learned that even if we don't have prejudices we do know of certain stereotypes towards Russians (but lets face it, almost everyone has made comments about communism or vodka).  We have to recognize that for someone struggling to figure out who they really are and where they really belong even small comments like that could hurt.  If Kid does come to us with concerns over comments made about them being Russian or being adopted we have to not brush it off and say something like 'it doesn't matter because we love you,' because Kid could easily hear an 'anyway' tacked on to the end of that sentiment.  And being told that you are loved despite being something that you are can be taken as pity or feeling like you aren't as good.  We have to convey the idea that it's ok if Kid gets upset/angry/sad/confused about being different and that we are willing to talk about it with him and we won't see him differently because of the talk.  Just like we have to convey it's okay to be sad about losing a birth Mum or no one wanting him in Russia... none of that will make us not want him.

We have already started learning about Russian culture and the language.  We want to be ready if Kid ever wants to know about it.  We also learned that we must be careful to not present Kid with a "museum culture" of traditions and ceremonies from long ago but more show him how other Russian-Canadians celebrate their culture.  That will be more difficult here but we will keep learning as much as we can.  I'm lucky that Mike is good with history so he can talk about the history of Russia if Kid ever wants to know about that too.

It all boils down to us knowing more and being open.  Even if Kid doesn't face taunting or prejudice in school we still have to know that the stereotypes are out there and he may encounter them from tv or internet.  We have to be open to sharing as much or as little as Kid wants about his Russian culture.  We have to be open and acknowledge that as much as Kid is ours he was someone else's first and we have to not take it as rejection if Kid wants to explore any of this!  Just as easy as it is for Kid to feel like he's disappointing us if he talks of being different, we can feel like he's pushing us away or not wanting to be part of our family...

...when it all funnels down to one kid figuring out who he is.

Video excerpts!

School: Part 1

I say part one because it will probably take me weeks to write about all my feelings and thoughts from our International Adoption Training.  I wasn't quite sure what we would do at this international training but it was wonderful to be part of so much discussion and hear about what to expect and, above all, to feel validated in our choice to do this! Intention was discussed on the first day and there are many reasons that adoption can be chosen but not everyone has thought about the fact that an adoptee is automatically a child with special needs.   Mike and I adopt Kid and Kid adapts to us.  That's not easy and it all stems from loss.

Every instance we heard this weekend showed us that if you don't recognize the loss on both sides the feelings of happiness from this process will never be complete.  Kid loses his parents.  Kid loses a beginning: a birth story, a chance for direct love and attention, more than likely, Kid loses micronutrition and security that comes with living in a home.  The more studies being done show that even the youngest minds internalize the trauma associated with all of this.  It may be represented immediately with an inability to attach or bond with us, or it may crop up out of nowhere, later on, from something that triggers these internalized feelings.  Mike and I also have loss that needs grieving.  It was this step that lead to me feeling more secure in our decision.  We have lost the idea of a biological child.  I have dealt with and accepted this.  Mike had continued to express his preference to the thought of our 'own' kid.  It was in the car on the way home last night that Mike said "I have to grieve that loss, accept it and move on."  Well, that did it for me.  I was shaking and told him that that was the first I have felt secure in our decision because it was the first time he even made mention that he COULD move past the idea of not having a biological child.  It was his hesitance that scared me.  He could be in love with Kid as much as me but I would always be thinking that something could trigger him to realize this situation isn't fulfilling to him.  Now I'm not afraid of that because of what he said.  This bloomed into a discussion that had us both in tears and me wondering if we should really be doing this while driving!  I love that moment and it will be one in this process that will mean so much to me that I can't even properly put it in writing.

That was revelation number one.

Number two what that I need to start considering the special needs that Kid will have on top of the needs stemming from adoption.  Kid will be coming from an institutional orphanage.  Kids from institutions have a whole other set of needs and delays.  I had honestly not thought of this.  There will be attachment issues due to the lack of one-on-one time, developmental delays due to the amount of time spent in a crib, possible inability to express need because they are intrinsically used to not being immediately responded to, fine motor skill delays because of the toys available, lack of vitamin d and experience beyond the orphanage walls... so much to consider that stems from the institutional setting.  And one triggered feeling tends to lead to the triggering of others because everything is jumbled together inside.  It was so amazing to hear the psychological side of these issues as well as the side of the adoptee and of the adoptive parents.  We had three couples in our class that were doing international adoption for a second time and all three had kids experience night terrors as a result of being adopted from an institution.  They all said the terrors started at different stages but all had them after some sort of trigger that clearly reminded the kids of being abandoned or feeling unsafe.

I also learned so much more about the difference between attachment and bonding.  Both are necessary for a deep relationship.  Kid may bond with us fairly quickly and we think everything is ok but he might not be attached to us.  It will take a lot of work to show that we are dependable, trusting, and permanent figures on which Kid can rely.  It was fortunate for us to have the three couples in our class and to hear again that all three had similar cases of quick bonding but no attachment.  It took months before it was apparent that their kids wanted to only go home with them and not just feel like it's the right thing to go with whomever is with them. 

This lead Mike and I to discuss how we wanted to handle the family meeting Kid.  Just think of how a 'normal' kid gets shy in new settings or when there is a large group of people around... this can all be magnified for an adopted kid.  It's obvious that people will be excited but it was recommended to not have an entourage waiting at the airport, don't hand off Kid to other people to hold and hug like we do with newborns born to us,  don't have people visiting the house right away.  This will be hard because I will want to show Kid off to everyone and I know grandparents will want to meet their grandchild but we realized that this has to be put on hold because it's the needs of Kid that are the most important.  We, as adults, can control our needs and put our wants on the back burner but Kid won't know how to do that.  Mike and I haven't come up with a final plan for introducing Kid but I'm afraid you all will have to deal with photos and verbal updates for the first little while.  Even the family and friends that live right here with us are going to have to realize that Kid needs to attach to something stable after going through something so jarring and, more than likely, scarey!  It doesn't matter how old, this is something that has to be done for Kid.  We will be researching and discussing this idea more but it's important to start now grasping that if you are someone who would have the want to come over right away you are going to have to wait - no matter the relation - until Mike and I feel Kid can handle it.  And that's not anything we can possibly know until Kid is here.

That is just a small taste of what was touched on at the training.  I will keep writing when I know I will have long chances to fully explore what we explored.  It had a lot of scary but a whole lot of amazing too.