Emotional One.

I wanted this one to be separate from the previous post because it means a lot to me.

First, and mostly because it won't make me cry as much (...as much!), I have a friend who is moving away; and I mean moving away... like, to another country away, and this is her first time moving out.  That coupled with this time of year - Back to School - always makes me remember when I moved out.  I was insecure, depressed even though I didn't know it then, and very guarded.  I had to tell S that I am looking at her moving from my remembered perspective and from a mum perspective.  Seemingly everything now has me flashing forward to when it could happen to Dania instead of when it happened to me.  I had to tell S that if Dania is similar in the self-assuredness, strength, and character S has (and I don't mean as a knight!), then I honestly don't think I would worry so much about her moving out.  I remember that I found 'me' in university and I was quite self-conscious at the end of high school.  It was with a lot of friends and familial support in second and third year that I figured stuff out.  (This is also not inspired in anyway by the recent news of Robin Williams, either... ya, right).  I worry that Dania will have trouble finding 'her' when she doesn't necessarily have the knowledge of her past that she might want.  Oh, goodness, the worry spiral... I thought it was bad before... now, I'm a Mom.  This is the type of content that was touched on in adoption training but can never be properly addressed because it is so individually tailored.  It was great that they gave the info about finding international adoption-specific psychiatrists.  I feel like that wasn't something that was given out in the past because being adopted and different wasn't addressed as readily as it is now - seriously, who isn't different?  Anyway, I have a few people that I look to and hope that Dania can one day embody some of their greatness.  I look at my cousin and my good friend who each raised 2 girls who are about to hit the decade mark and are wonderful to be around and hope Dania is as well adjusted as these girls.  I hope Dania finds role models in her personal life like I have!  And to my friend about to embark on a new adventure, bravo!  I don't feel a shred of friend worry for you... it's only mom worry hahaha.

The moment in Ontario that took me by complete surprise was with my own mum.  Now, I have mentioned many times and to many people that Dania can throw fits.  I have had one group of friends see an 'almost-there' level of fit (even Mike hasn't seen the worst!) but I had one overheard in Ontario.  I don't know what the trigger was for this and she literally screamed-inhaled-screamed-inhaled on repeat for I don't know how long.  She was exhausted, she was given food, she had bed and stories and Elmo... who knows?  When she finally stopped and fell asleep (a loooooooong time later), I was reading and Mum came in and asked if that was what I meant by a tantrum.  You bet.  She then asked if I was ok.  That was not what I expected.  I don't know why exactly, maybe because no one has really witnessed one of her huge fits and maybe because I feel inadequate, but I felt like I was bound to be told what to do instead of what I had done as opposed to questioned that I was okay.  Ten days later... I'm hugging Mum goodbye and about to get into the car to go to the airport when she tells me I'm a good mum and she doesn't know where I got my patience from.  Woah.  That struck me hard being told by my own mum, who I respect hugely for a gajillion reasons, that I'm a good mum when I don't feel that way in situations like that.  It's true, I don't have a lot of patience usually; I'm quick to jump to worse case scenario and conclude the 'only' way a situation can turn out but when it comes to Dania?  Anything goes.  I don't know what's going on in that head of hers, so I have to just go with my gut and do what I do.  Thanks Mum.  Thanks for the upraising and the complement.