And Then She Was There...

...and nothing else mattered.

REWIND 48 HOURS

After hanging up with my sister just before boarding the plane, I was thinking about how she said Mum said I seemed too calm.  I was an internal wreck... just had to maintain sanity so they would let me out of the country and into two others!  Seriously, it has been such a roller coaster that I feel exhasted.  I was excited to leave.  I was beyond ecstatic to see Dania again. I was nervous about connections.  I cried myself to sleep the night before because I was so happy to be going finally!

In JFK I started crying because I was thinking about the future and how to announce it was 'official' once the appeal period was over.  It makes me so happy to think I could do that one day next month!  Then, on the plain to Moscow (which was delayed and making me nervous because our connection was going to be quite close) the fear took over.  What if this was court didn't go well?  What if someone from her family appealed the custody?  What if this was the last trip we would ever make to see her?  I cannot begin to explain the gut-wrenching, heart-draining sorrow at the thought of saying good bye to her for the last time EVER on Thursday.  It is so unknown that I couldn't stop dwelling on it and I cried for a good three hours straight on the plane.  Oh, dear.  I didn't sleep hardly, I felt like vomiting almost constantly, I had just unearthed this all-consuming fear and it was awful.

We landed in Moscow and made the connection with only a little time to spare.  We made up an hour in the air, thankfully.  We landed in Ufa and as soon as I saw our driver, A, waiting for us I began to smile.  As I stepped out into the Ufa air I started crying again because it felt like returning to a place as familiar and comfortable as home.  I pretended to sleep from the airport to Sterlitimak, but I was really watching the countryside through my sunglasses while silently weeping from expectation.

I did sleep - from sheer exhaustion - but when I woke up the butterflies were back and so were the tears in the car on the way to the orphanage.  There was no one in the office to answer our doorbell rings and just knowing she was in the building and we were unknown and outside made my heart hurt.  Shortly, someone answered.  I didn't recognize her and didn't understand her.  The doctor came out and recognized us and directed us upstairs and we realized this is the moment we were waiting for.

And then she was there and nothing else mattered.

Damn, I'm crying now too!  But because I can't stop smiling and I'm so happy I can share this finally!

She was clearly overwhelmed once in my arms.  She wasn't as stressed as last time but the change in routine had upset her and the crocodile tears started.  We knew we would have to take it slow and hope that she would eventually remember us.  We set her down with some toys and the lack of head rubbing was glaringly apparent.  She was obviously more comfortable.  When she was on the ground, and a little more distanced, she stopped the tears and began to play hesitantly.  I sang the whole time and within the hour she was smiling at us, handing us toys, inviting us to play with her, crawling a little, reaching out to be held, and just being wonderful.  Sigh.  I love her so much.

She looks a little more solid.  She isn't walking on her own but can hold just one hand and walk with much steadier legs.  Her hair is a bit longer, fuller, lighter, and she looks a tiny bit tanned.

She was definitely way more relaxed on this first day than she was by the end of day 2 last trip.  She was cooing very quietly and clearly enjoying the one-on-one time.  She spent a looooong time staring at my teeth! LOL!  I think she remembers those more than anything else ha ha ha!

So, now it is lunch break (and probably nap time for both of us).  I didn't take a lot of photos because we didn't want to overwhelm her, but I HAD to, of course.  For your viewing pleasure...

The big tears and small bit of fear.

Then the smile we know and love was being flashed at us very soon... and I know mine is probably just as big!