Training session number two happened last night. It was WONDERFUL! I really like this and think it applies to many more than just institutionalized kids, but it is practically a guarantee with an orphan from an institution.
We learned from NS training sessions that all adoptions begin with loss. Russia sees their loss and ups it with suspicion. There is suspicion of us as we chose this path and they didn't. The kids encounter this forced immersion and see us, as parents, as the guilty party because it was US that came and took THEM. Even if we are taking them from pain and squalor, we are still taking them from their normal and natural beginnings without their choosing us. SIDE NOTE: For these reasons, young international adoptees can have trouble with fantastial stories like Alice in Wonderland and Harry Potter because of the kids being forced into an entire new environment that is scary! I will have to ensure there is no fear of Harry in this house. I have secretly already planned to order the wand that corresponds with Kid's birthday... whenever that may be! So, adoptions begin with suspicion and they are forced to cope.
We learned about coping behaviours and what to expect our reactions to be for each type. We were also told that these behaviours are to be expected for the first 6 months. If it persists longer than that, we are encouraged to seek help of an adoption specialist therapist. By 6 months, Kid should have shifted into adjustment behaviours (mind you, this still isn't comfort, it is just acceptance and adapting and the knowledge that Mike and I are the "go to" people because we are here to protect Kid).
Oh, another side note: We are encouraged to think of Kid with a family age as well as the actual age. The family age can often coincide with developmental age because the family is a new day zero. To further illustrate this: if we are privileged enough to adopt Dania, she will be about 18 months, but when she turns 2, her family age is only 6 months. Man different stages to overlap and restart. So fascinating!
On to the classic coping behaviours. These are coping behaviours for many situations, but, as I understand, an orphan will fit one type more than the others, so it will seem like an adjustment, because some of these behaviours involve interaction and cooperation, but until Kid begins to exhibit different types of behaviour it is probably a coping behaviour.
Before I get into the types, I want to relay the metaphor we were given last night. It is like a kid being suddenly pushed into a pool while fully clothed. There is instant shock and panic. Sometimes the kid is old enough to know how to swim, which will change the way he thinks, but either way, the kid feels weighed down and a sinking sensation from the soaked clothing and lack of air. There is a point where they can decide to take control of the situation, orient themselves and find the surface, and then, if they know how, they can swim towards it. If they don't know how they still know that's the way to go but will flail and desperately reach for it. I loved this. I know how to swim and am very confident in the water but it is a suffocating atmosphere. I can hold my breath for well over a minute but as soon as I am submersed I have a sense of panic so I can't function as well as I know how to. It makes soooo much sense. Our instructor also relayed that kids as young as 9 months will exhibit these behaviours, because even if they won't necessarily remember the orphanage, they are still currently aware that a HUGE upset has occurred in their life! She also relayed that she knows a girl who was adopted at 3, it has been 6 years and she can descriptively describe her memories of the change from one home to another. It was the biggest CHANGE in her life and therefore the most ingrained. We were told to use words like "change" because that is easier for a child to understand instead of "adoption." Eventually, the child will understand adoption, but emphasize the change aspect as this will be the part that they understand the most.
OK, There are five classic coping types:
1. The Rock Response - This is a child who is in complete denial over their current situation. They feel rejected and question why everything happened - but question it in silence. This is an "acting in" behaviour. They will sit solemn and curled around themselves, refusing to interact with games, conversations, meals, etc. Completely turned inside. It is important for parents not to feel rejected and ignored. They child is coping! We just have to work extra hard to get any response from Kid and constantly assure them it is ok and we are there for them.
2. Ragdoll Response - This is another "acting in" behaviour. The child is in acceptance of their change of circumstance, but in total shock from it. They have no control over their body and just flop over wherever they are sat down. (Think of picking up a kid who is asleep). It is often not a continuous behaviour but will be lapsed into unexpectedly. Characteristic "deer in the headlight" vacant stare. This behaviour can illicit more frustration from the parents as there seems to be no focus. The kid will interact but then suddenly lose interest and 'ragdoll.'
3. Dizzy Performer - This child is also in denial and tries to avoid the present situation by being so busy and random. He is often charming, with a smile or act, but doesn't make a connection to anyone. It doesn't matter who comes into the room, there is no shyness or caution. These are kids who don't sleep well and can literally drop to sleep at random times. They are seen as hyperactive and don't feel immediate pain. The parents take pride in the seeming independence and interaction from the child but will be puzzled by the risk taking and non-stop action. These kids don't learn from mistakes or lessons about bad behaviour. This also leads to frustration.
4. The Royal Boss - This is the "my way or the high way" attitude. These kids feel out of control and want security and try to get it themselves. When they don't get what they want they throw tantrums. These kids don't understand consequences and don't understand boundaries. Parents feel unable to control these kids and feel forced to start using punishments (that aren't understood because they are just trying to gain a security that they just lost!) and can find themselves feeling angry or unable.
5. The Unwilling Guest - These are usually kids who are 2 or older. They feel rejected but are full of hope they can return to their normal world if they behave. These kids usually had a connection with someone before, whether it was a relative or caregiver, but they have lost this connection and act 'perfect' in order to get the reward of that person coming back. Parents of these kids often feel like they have a stranger living in their house as there is no connection made (the kid wants the previous connection), and it is difficult to feel compassion for these kids. They don't act out but they don't convey their hurt.
OK, these behaviours are to be expected - but not consistently longer than 6 months. The best way to help encourage the transition from coping to adjustment is STRUCTURE!
We were told that with all of these coping behaviours we have to keep ensuring that we are there to help and we love them, but by showing consistency in routine and structuring our days and weeks, we are showing security.
Everything is overstimulating for an institutionalized child who has just been forced into immersion in a new world! Unlike a child who grows with a family from birth and gets to know the routine in their house, if we bring home Kid one day and then go out to the grocery store the next day, this new change can induce fear of a second big change. Only introduce one new activity each day, from setting the table, to laundry, to preparing food. ONLY ONE! Endure any meltdowns that occur and judge whether or not you can do a different one the next day or whether it is necessary to repeat the same. Keep meal times, nap times, bath times, etc all the same at first. Wait until they show they are adjusted before shifting things. If it is necessary to go to appointments, only schedule one a week to help avoid over stimulation. You have to limit the number of new daily activities because the child may also display delayed reactions to these changes. Say we go to the drug store week 2, she may be fine and on perfect behaviour (because of fear that we are giving her away) and not react until much later out of relief from the fear. It was emphasized that we must move slow, slow, slow. No parties for the first bit (kids are often given a goodbye party at the orphanage), definitely no planes or hotels for the first year, if possible. This child had grown accustomed to a routine (at the orphanage) and then is suddenly forced into what we see is normal and mundane but, to them, it is foreign and scary.
It was so fascinating. If I could type it all out, I totally would. She couldn't emphasize enough how the littlest thing may cause major stress. No matter how young we are adopting.
I am so glad we are both planning on taking the maximum time off. Mike will be officially on parental leave and I will just be leaving my position. We really want to assure Kid we are here for her and love her! We want to facilitate trust and the feeling of security.
