Day 2 of Round 2

This time feels different.  Maybe it's because we already have done this once.  Maybe it's because we want it that much more.  Maybe it's because it's spring(ish) so we are a little lighter at heart anyway.  Maybe it's because the first time obviously wasn't right.

I don't know why but she feels different.  I swear to gods that when I first received Mak's pic I immediately looked for signs of FAS. I was happy and surprised and all of the good feelings, but I even mentioned that it took a few days for him to feel like ours.  It took three days before I could picture him living with us.  If I'm completely honest, I was upset about how long it took to sink in.  I'd been expecting it so why wasn't it nothing but joy?  Maybe because life is never ONLY joy... Unlike receiving Mak's photo and proposal, when she told me girl my heart clicked (probably because we went into this whole parenting gig wanting a girl - it really doesn't matter but we had both been more familiar with baby girls).  I was then told about the cleft pallet and the near-sightedness.  As soon as that photo came through on my email my 'world' clicked.  I didn't even look for the hint of the cleft pallet or for signs of FAS; I looked at those eyes and cheeks and cried.

I don't want to sound like I'm setting myself up for a bigger hurt since I want this more.  I'm just being honest here.  Maybe it's because she's looking into the camera and 'at me.'  Maybe it's because I REALLY wanted to add fairies and mermaids to the nursery and to buy ruby slippers for fancy occasions.  Maybe it's because this time really DOES feel different.  I mean, of course it's going to feel different, but it's not producing the hesitation and fear I expected.  I am the worrier and always have been.  But this feels different.

I have even worried less about the Russian part.  I don't care what the doctors say about me when I'm there.  I'm not concerned about where we stay.  The first time I felt like I wasn't getting enough support from CHOC but this time I'm thinking that I'm going to make my itinerary and then TELL CHOC when we need rides and from where.  We will make the appointments and stay with the proper host family, but I'm not going to ask as many questions as opposed to stating what we need.

I also want to add a few coincidences.  I found the fun coincidences with Mak too, but people who believe in fate will always look for those 'meant-to-be' circumstances.

My "niece," S, drew me a photo two Christmases ago.  The caption that explained what the drawing was said: This is a picture of your little girl.  She is happy.  Thank you for my pickle.  This is officially the first prediction! LOL!
My friend H, she was in the play with me and saw me when I brought the news of Mak, said to me that night that she "didn't know" about him; that she saw us with a girl.  She has been right about all the pregnancies she's predicted to me...

The only other circumstance I can explain is that we had a girl name picked out.  One that took A LOT of debating.  We had chosen Clara in honour of Canadian olympian Clara Hughes and of the lead role in the Nutcracker (Russian Ballet shout out!).  Last month, my 'brother' here had the chance to see Clara speak.  I flipped when I saw this!  I started banging the table and yelling in my protest and jealousy.  Then he had the nerve to say, "who is that?"  (When I relayed this comment to my sister she subsequently responded with 'kick him out of Canada').  I broke our vow of silence about the names.  To me and Mike, it's a jinx to say what we want to name Kid until Kid is actually ours.  I told P that Clara Hughes is SUCH a big deal that we were naming a possible daughter after her!  Well, as soon as I said it I felt like the name was now used.  Although, the dream of the girl who liked math and video games was named Clara.  Anywho, one of the other names we had discussed was Daenerys.  She is a character from Game of Thrones and I adore her!  We loved the thought of the nicknames Dany, or even Khaleesi.  Well... Dania... ya...

Ok.  The other big difference I have to state is my lack of hesitation to share.  We knew about Mak for a few days before we made it public.  I (even before I told Mike since he was MIA for 4 hours!) waited about 30 minutes before telling people and calling long distance!  I had such great support when the first one fell through that I wanted to share it ALL this time.

I also want to give a great shout out to cousin C who had NO idea what was going on since her iPhone doesn't accept the photos I messaged her!  That was one of the best reactions!

Thanks to all who have phoned or messaged their well-wishes.  This time is different.  This time the good thoughts are fueling it from the very beginning.  This time, if it falls through, we will all keep up the hope and remember that '3rd time's the charm!'

xoxo

ps.  Visa applications are short of 4 Mike signatures before they are ready to go!

pps.  here is our other photo of her!