I know, I know, I know... what are ya gonna do?

It has been recently pointed out to me by someone, who apparently checks EVERY work shift, that I haven't posted since June.  I KNOW!  LIFE HAPPENS!  Forgive me.  The blog is entitled my path to parenthood... or something clandestine like that... not my life living day-to-day and hoping I don't throw her out the window while my husband's golfing and accepting duties in Spain because he's been there before... seriously.

LOL!

I make that sound bitter.. because I'm fortunate enough to be able to!  I am bitter about the Spain thing.  I just WISH I could be fortunate enough to have visited a foreign place enough to feel satisfied enough to say, "nope, I don't need to go ashore and tour.  You go ahead!"  Instead?  I'm saying, 'nope, I don't need to poop in peace.  You keep slamming on that door while screaming at the top of your lungs no matter what threats I utter..."  Get why I've been busy?

Seriously, it is unfathomable what this deployment has thrown at me.  I did 6 months alone while he circumnavigated Africa.  This is "only" 10 weeks.  It's been 2.  My sister was here for one.  I feel like it's been 32 weeks... ugh!  This kid pushes every button in my existence because she knows MAMA is here - no matter what!  It is sad to me sometimes how she overlooks Dada in situations. I have now observed leading up to her first deployment that she 'understood' Dada was going away.   That in itself broke my heart; then the nightmares started.  LITERALLY!

This kid has been having nightmares since she understood Dada has been leaving for a long time (we've been working on the calendar together, to my own detriment).  I had no idea until one of her teachers approached me before she switched to 3 days a week.  Goodness gracious.  I have to admit that since that revelation, I've been watching the webcams at daycare (because I can and work from home 3 days a week) and mostly just look in around nap time, and every 15 mins or so following that.  I've now witnessed my daughter in body-wracking sobs, in silence on my behalf, sitting on the knee/in the arms of her teachers for a minimum of 60 minutes!!!!!  This killed me the first time I "saw" it.  It's HORRIBLE to recognize that your kid is shoulder-shaking sobbing and you can't comfort them.  I have now stopped watching the cameras.  I don't get it!  She sleeps okay at home (wakes up crying IF she does nap, but is easy to soothe once she has peed or has something in hand to eat) but all I get from school is "inconsolable."  I feel like they see me as uncaring when I say "it has to be because her father is away..."  Sounds like a cop out even to my ears.  For the first time, she awoke from a bad dream during nap at home (normally she fights it with ever fibre of her being and then is awful for the rest of the day onward!).  I usually only get "it's a monster" out of her as a description.

Mike called home!  Yay!  She was so excited to hear him.  First 3 questions she asked:  1.  Are you on the boat?  2.  Why you on the boat?  3.  Can the sharks bite you?  Interesting to me since she has never mentioned sharks with Dada before.  I wondered the moment she started watching Frozen if she would put together Daddy going away on ships and the ship with Anna and Elsa's parents... For those who haven't seen it?  *spoiler alert* it sinks.  I was surprised to hear her ask about the sharks - it was the closest to monster and Dada that I could get... Can't figure out if that is the 'monster' from her dreams at school or not... probably never will, so frustrating.

Only time will tell.

On every other moment since June (as I've been informed by my sister is the last time I typed) up to THIS moment though... here we go!   Soccer started!  This kid wanted NOTHING to do with team sports.  She wanted to log roll down the hill beside us.  Fine.  Also makes me wonder about what to sign her up for in the future.  I feel like she will be more of an individual competitor.  People say it's too early to tell and then at the same time tell me she is destined for gymnastics!  Okay!  You know nothing!  HA!  We are still waiting on the appointment for genetics about her possible Stickler's-like syndrome.  I don't want her in gymnastics or hard, joint-pounding activities if she is destined for arthritis at 20.  Not cool.  That being said... I just started 'creative movement' classes with her today and she was SO into those.  Clearly, at least I feel, my instincts were on about the individual competitor aspect - IF she wants to compete.  We will keep going REC instead of a discipline-focused facility programs, until she is "diagnosed" and falls in love with anything.  Man, that appointment can't come soon enough because the tests for Stickler's (and anything else) will take months for processing.  Damn the fascinating and blessedly-cruel "art" that is genetics... I say art, only because we create so much out of the genetic foundations that are building us.  SO freaking fascinating!

On a definite note, got her new glasses last week.  Her prescription is the same, yay!  We just needed bigger glasses (and I desperately didn't want ones with nose pieces because we were going in every-other week getting hers fixed!).  She is so FREAKING cute.  I didn't think her glasses could get cuter and I was WAY wrong!

Wow!  I was told I had nothing to worry about with her looking over her glasses so much, it was just hat she had figured out her 'normal' distance for good vision.  It will actually take a bit more effort to look through the glasses to see that distance  while simultaneously being granted faster focus at other  points of focus.  There has been no major revelation like when she first got her glasses... just 

 less looking over her glasses at us!

To touch on almost-explored topics from earlier...I feel exhausted and like I want to throw her out the window when she pushes it to the max.  (Scene set:  Kid KNOWS if she wants to help in the kitchen she has to keep her hands out of the bowls or she has to get down from her step stool.  She is also smart enough to know what cupboards/drawers she can go in...).  She moved her stool and stuck her hands in the raw chicken 3 times while I prepped other parts of dinner and calmly told her she wasn't aloud in the kitchen anymore.   This was not received well.  This resulted in more bowl-hand plunging, more forced hicupping and screeching that she knows I cannot stand - but also can''t do much about when I'm in the middle of prepping/cooking dinner.  GAH!  She is smart.   She KNOWS what will set me off (mainly screeching and spitting and hitting) and she does it as soon as she gets angry with being told 'no.'  Hence, it leads to me feeling defeated and like I don't know how I'm going to do 8 more weeks of this.  I've resorted to bribes now.  Chocolate, sweet, task-specific bribes.  IE.  If she eats her dinner without fuss and eats it all, she gets a peanut butter cup.  That is the only time she can get one so she knows what she has to do.  Glow-in-the-dark stickers in her room for going to sleep and staying in bed instead of running around the room, bouncing off the walls, banging the doors, and screaming.   She just does not take me seriously when I use a stern/loud voice and tell no or else she loses a toy/privileges the next day - and I carry through with any 'threats' like that!  I just don't scare her the way our friend with the loud voice or Dada's loud voice does.  She laughs when I do it.  Sigh.  Makes me feel useless.  Good thing she's cute when she's asleep.  Only 8 more weeks, right?  Only...

I Guess Everything Happens to her Mouth!

It's been a long time; I apologize.  It's been very busy with Mike in and out to sea on an unknown schedule.  Sheesh!  Can't wait for that to end.  Plus, the warmer weather has us outdoors more.  Dania seems to be into the gardening more this year.  I mean, she always loved dirt but she seems to appreciate the flowers that are growing.

Her speech is coming along fantastically.  She has been working SO hard at speech pathology.  Still gets to angry at me at home if I try to get her to say something the correct way.  She doesn't get near as mad at the actual lessons.  She is working on the F sound without expelling any air through the nose.  Sounds easy for a normal kid, but a kid with a cleft who had the muscles at the back of her throat running in complicated directions has more trouble than you'd think!  Once the F is mastered, we can start with the S and then I predict she will be nearly fully 'normalized.'

We've had some fun with doctors too.  She bit her toenail off (that's how she says she did it) and had to get that checked out.  I've noticed she picks at her big toenails too.  She also fell on the May long weekend and bumped the side of her face on the ground.  She developed quite a bruise and a big lump at the joint.  She wasn't hindered with eating or talking, but if I touched the spot she definitely would cringe.  It started to get better.  Three weeks later the bruise reappeared and the lump was bigger!  This is when I started to worry.  We went to a walk-in clinic as we couldn't get to our GP until next week.  They referred us to x-rays at the kid's hospital.  The x-ray department referred us to Dentistry because they could get a better panoramic x-ray.  Now, we are quite familiar with Dentistry so she was right at home in that waiting room!  She was definitely nervous getting the x-ray (wouldn't let go of my hand to hold the handle on the machine) which was unexpected to me.  My heart went out to that little girl standing in the lead apron with the machine circling around her head.  She doesn't like asking for help or showing vulnerability but it was there - and so was I.  After the x-ray was taken, we were referred back to X-rays to get it read.  No broken or chipped bones.  Yay!  Now we go to the followup with our GP next week and he will have the full report and assess the lump to see if he thinks it is anything more than just a tendon or ligament injury.  Poor kiddo is so used to people poking her in the mouth now!

We had our first dentist appointment too - which went swimmingly, a visit from Gramma, birthday parties for friends, and lots of fun overall.  She's becoming obsessed with dinosaurs.   Mother's day was special as it will always be around the anniversary of when we first met her!!!

She has a fan club of a few little kids (they are at school and in the neighbourhood) who like to watch her be 'Dania.'  She still doesn't initially just play when kids approach or she is in a new situation.  She will act like a cartoon character (I'm told that comparison a lot!).  She will fall down and shake her head, she always looks with shifty eyes, freezes her stance to look around or listen, and then will start acting like an animal or dinosaur.  It's hilarious to watch.  Kids will come up to her and just bark or roar to try and get her to do it.

She is still very difficult in the home when I ask her to do something and starts to act angry now too.  Brow furrowed, deepens the voice, crosses the arms.  It's obvious she isn't actually angry, just acting that way.  It's cute, very cute, but also frustrating.   The full moon this month had her prowling her room like a caged animal, as per usual, but I swear she has not stopped eating since!  I told Mike that she asks to eat nonstop all day and when he finally had a morning with her on a weekend he told me I was right!  It's kind of funny since she had just fought us screaming at the top of her lungs just the night before to not eat dinner.  Growth spurt for my little werewolf.

My favourite thing though?  Car rides hahahaha!  After the random unprompted screaming that lasted at least 6 months, I now can drive and listen to her sing to herself or play with the little figurines we keep in the back seat for her.  She has such an imagination.  It is impressive to me how she will create and recreate stories and scenarios.  Some I recognize from things we did, books we read, or a cartoon she watched, but most of the time she is just making things up.  And the soft singing melts my heart completely.  Such a sweet little voice.

This is probably my favourite picture of her ever!

Ear Doctor and Fever

The snow is driving us all mad!  We are both stir crazy and starting to get on each others' nerves.  Appointments keep having to be cancelled and rescheduled but we did make it to the ear doctor last week.  A long visit in short, her tubes are still in place and we just need to wait until they fall out to see if she needs new ones.  He said cleft palate repairs usually have tubes until age 4 or 5.

Then the tubes came in handy this weekend as she had a fever for 4 days straight and whenever she woke up, she kept saying her right ear hurt.  After 4 days, I finally gave in and went to the walk-in clinic.  The ear was red but didn't look infected yet.  She said that the tubes probably prevented the accumulation of fluid from this viral cold.  She finally woke up yesterday without a fever!  She's still a little lethargic, but obviously felt better as she wouldn't go to sleep last night because she had 4 days of energy pent up.  It's good to know that my kid isn't any more contagious than all the other snotty, drooly, coughy, sneezy little kids out there!  Hahaha!

I think we have earned a Chapters date today!

Eye Doctor

We had our followup with the ophthalmologist today.  All is great.  This kid was such a trooper during the initial wait, then she was so good to cooperate with the optician and her tests (all of which she had just done 2 weeks ago!).  Even when she was getting bored and just guessing at the shapes on the eye chart - she wasn't even looking in the right direction! - she was still well behaved.  They confirmed she was seeing depth perception, which was the only test before she wasn't too sure about.  it involves putting on the 3D glasses and looking at a big bug picture (seeing if they try to grab at it or are startled by it's appearance of being off the page), and also by being shown a group of buttons with 1 that pops out and asking her to push the button that needs to go down.  She even sat good for the ocular pressure test again.  Then we had to get the dilating drops put in.  She laughs as these go in!  The optician was a bit taken aback.  She said that they actually sting a little and I did try them once so they do burn a little initially.  Dania knew she got to go get a muffin in the cafeteria once she had the drops though!

We then waited an hour to go back in and see the actual ophthalmologist who did a few more tests and then let us know they had no concerns and that her prescription was still correct.  We go back in 6 months and if nothing has changed and genetics are normal, just annual followup after that.  She will need correction for life, but we just want to ensure there isn't a fast progression in her myopia.  I inquired further about the genetics appointment and she said that they must have a bigger wait than she initially thought.  She is still taking the precautions as if she is genetically positive for something like Stickler syndrome (the ocular pressure testing) but all is okay now and we just have to wait and see if we need to follow closely or not.  They were definitely impressed with her speech improvement and could understand almost all of her answers without having to look at me for confirmation.  

We were at the hospital for almost 3 hours in total.  She, thank goodness, was better behaved than she normally is when it's just me.  I think she likes it in the Eye Clinic waiting room.  Fish, lots of fish, and the promise of muffins... if only I could apply that everywhere...

She's 3!

Yesterday marked Dania's 3rd birthday and about 18 months with us!  I checked her height on her growth chart and she's only grown about an inch in height since August, and I think it was all in the legs since all her pants are flood pants now.  I only officially record weight after the doctor's and we haven't needed to go in a while.  She has changed so much, and even just in the last few weeks her development in speech is crazy apparent.

She now officially is a preschooler!  She attends on Mondays and Fridays and her transition time was apparently not a problem at all (which totally makes me feel better about putting her in to daycare 1 day a week to ease her into school since she had a bit of difficulty transitioning into that big group situation) and has already made a best friend.  I guess her and a another girl, S, are just inseparable and I did meet her the other day and she continued to tell me how Dania is a big girl now that she is in the same room as her and that "she can even talk and everything!"  It was cute.  Dania was a little overstimulated come nap time, apparently she was running laps around the room, but she did calm down and didn't have trouble after the first day.  She is telling me stories as soon as she is in the car when I pick her up and I can even understand most of them!  This is getting fun now!  She is also more willing to sing herself instead of just asking me to sing and I catch her singing to herself all the time now and can always tell what song it is (although, last night at midnight it was a made up song, "I love CAAAAAAKE!").  She also sat and watched a different movie with me, well, most of it until she head butted me for putting the empty popcorn bowl on the table instead of letting her put it on her head.  It was Cinderella, and now she talks about her as well as Elsa and Anna... sweet, sweet variety!

She has been to the speech pathologist again and did well.  She went to the optometrist who was able to confirm this time that she does use both eyes equally despite the different strengths of prescriptions.  It's good that she isn't relying on one more than the other.  She even let them do the glaucoma 'puff-of-air' test.  When Mike told me that I was impressed.  Even my sister refuses that test LOL!  We have followup with the ophthalmologist next week.

Mike has been in and out to sea and that's clearly taking a toll on her (and me!).  It's hard to explain how many days until he comes back... she doesn't get beyond tomorrow.  It is also hard on both of us when I can't do one thing while Mike plays with her/watches her and she gets frustrated at lack of attention sometimes - and having to be good by herself while not getting that attention ie. not diving off the couch onto hardwood repeatedly.   I try to always give her a logical reason as to why I'm saying 'no' but it will still be time before she understands the 'why,' hahaha.

She is just so stinkin' cute sometimes!

birthday dinner out

Ontario

Holy moly, it's been a while since I posted but we've been super busy.   Mike is in and out to sea and it makes life that bit more difficult.   Dania and I did just go to Ontario and had a wonderful time.  We had a hell of a ride there though.  Delayed 5 hours so that we landed after 10 pm when we were supposed to land at 5.  I had planned it so she would hopefully nap on the plane and then be in a good mood when we got to Gramma's house.  Nope!  She didn't get to bed (without nap) until what would have been 1:30 am AST.  We both crashed hard that first night.

She played in the snow with Aunt Kitty, went to the butterfly conservatory, let me catch up with great friends and played with their kids, saw all of her great-grandparents on my side of the family, jumped a lot on a trampoline, and had a 3rd birthday party!  I'm so glad I did do it there because Mike now won't be here on a weekend when I would have a party at home and therefore, I don't want to!   Too much work for just me!  She had a rocking good time at the early birthday party though!  She had tonnes of cousins to run around with, pizza, a Frozen DQ cake, and lots of people fawning all over her.  I loved it too because I got to see so many people and have a huge catch-up/show off period.  Dania sang Happy Birthday to herself with everyone, blew out the candle (twas not possible last year!), and entertained people by singing Let it Go.

She's not going to remember the birthday anyway... but we have lots of people who will!   It was also a party that was a breeding ground for germs.  A whole bunch of us got sick, starting with 1 person vomiting at the end of the night (you know it's a good party when...) and the result has been sick days from work, rescheduled appointments, and me and Dania sitting around like lumps on a log not wanting to move much.  We just eat a lot of oatmeal.   She seems to be getting a bit of her energy back today though.  I am still fatigued and it's in my throat and chest now but it keeps moving around so I'm hoping it will move on soon!  I just realized that this is my first big sickness since she's been with us.  I am now synonymous with the Nyquil/Dayquil commercial parents...  guh.

Good thing she's been singing along to songs a lot more and singing them on her own so that she keeps me entertained!

Potty Trained

It's been a week in underwear and I think I can now say that she is potty trained.  We had two bad days and the rest were great!  Only 1 accident in the last 3 days, and that was when she got excited with Aunt Candy, so, how can you blame her?!  She also spent the day at daycare and when I picked her up she was still dry!  We put a diaper on her for nap, but it is more often dry than wet when she wakes up.  She also wears one overnight, but that's it!  She now needs to be weaned off of getting Reese's Pieces when she tells us she has to pee and goes in the toilet!  HA!

I have also given up on trying to understand the eating habits.  After 6 days in a row of absolute screaming, she ate dinner no problem the next 3 nights.  Sigh.  As long as she tries it, I'm okay... but come on, just try it without it taking an hour!  Keep it up kiddo!  

She is also singing so much now that it warms my heart and makes me long to get her into some sort of music class.  She watches little nursery rhyme videos on the tablet and I can now recognize her requests, "Mama sing Old McGonna?" and recognize her tunes when she sings in her room.   I just have to remember these sweet moments when she tests my patience - which she is starting to blatantly do.  A new phase now where she points out that she is doing something she knows she isn't allowed to do, like running up to me with something small in her mouth and showing me just the corner of it sticking out while pointing at it!   At least every morning when she says "hi Mama!" I forget all that happened the day before... usually.

New Years Resolution

Well, Dania must have made a resolution to lose weight because she suddenly  has decided not to eat.  UGH!  It is absolutely painful.  I know most kids do this, but she's tiny and needs to eat.  She is potty training and her tights already don't stay up without a diaper!  Seriously!  She cries, screams, fights, throws herself around in the chair, won't be bartered with or bribed.  She won't swallow!  She holds a bite of food in her mouth and just lets it turn to liquid (48 minutes was the longest!).  I just want her to have 1 bite, always try something, but she isn't even taking 1 bite of her fav foods at supper.  I know it's not a painful reason because I broke down after day 6 and got her a Happy Meal and she scarfed that thing down in less than 10 minutes!  Oh, my!  It's just a crappy dinner hour and a half.  Mike and I can't talk over her yelling and we are constantly trying to reassure her and remind her that if she just has 1 bite and swallows that's okay.  She is so smart though that I honestly think she is waiting for us to break down and just let her get away from the dinner table without a bite and demand crackers.  If she has a bite of something new and she doesn't like it, fine, no problem, we will find you something else.  But I keep making stuff I know she has eaten before and she just screams.  I tell our friends this and then she goes and eats all her food and her friends' food at our weekly Sunday dinner.  What the heck!?  Well, if I thought it was over, I was wrong.  It's been 2 days since that and both nights have been:

And then she is fine once her feet hit the floor!  Even when she looks like this she does cute things that make us try not to laugh!  HA!

On the plus side, no accidents today and we were even in and out of the bitter, windy outdoors several times!  

Wow,  I just noticed that this probably has the most exclamation points in any of my other posts.